Everywhere I look lately, I see people who seem to be searching for something. A lot of these people seem to know what they're searching for, or at least they act like they know what they're looking for. I don't know about everyone, but some of the people I know who seem to be searching for something don't seem to be looking in the right places. Or at least that's how it seems to me.
My school is very secular, and my town is a "party-hardy" type town, where about half, maybe more, of the teenage population goes out and parties until they vomit every weekend. They do this because there's nothing to do, or they need to forget their problems, or because it's the "cool" thing to do. It really breaks my heart to see this happening. Some of these teens are looking for something to fill an empty feeling inside of them. I've heard them say that. Hearing them say that, but knowing they don't know Christ breaks my heart even more than the fact that they drink because they don't think they have anything better to do.
I've gotten a chance to talk about God with a few of my friends from school, and even though they act like they don't want to hear what I say, there are moments when I see genuine interest in their eyes. I see the same look in the eyes of the younger girls who attend the girls bible study I lead with some friends, and at the girls night events I host. I don't understand why it seems so obvious to me what they are searching for, but they don't seem to know what it is. I find it even harder to understand when it feels like they know what they're looking for, but they're in complete denial of it and act like they don't want anything to do with God. I guess this is one of those things that we'll come across many times in our lives as Christians, and we need to rely on God for guidance.
I pray that the people who are out there searching for answers, for God, that they wouldn't give up and they'd open their hearts and their minds to anything God may be trying to show them or say to them. I want God to use me as a light for these people, if that's what they need. I pray that God will give me the right words to say to reach these people, and that He will give me the courage to talk to them. I pray that everyone who is out there searching will have someone in their life who can help them learn about God. I believe that the only way they'll be able to fill the emptiness inside is by filling it with God, His love, and His Holy Spirit.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
When Life Gets To You
I'm sure we've all had those days where it just seems like the whole world is crashing down on our shoulders, and it feels like nothing is ever going to work out, even though you know it eventually will. You feel stuck, trapped, alone and confused. You don't know how to deal with things, which way to go, or even who to talk about it to. Well, my last month has been like that.
I've been sick, stressed, confused and not sleeping. I had a bunch of little problems in my life that I didn't want to deal with when they came up, because I was "too busy". Well, when you've got 5 weeks to put on a play, and that's memorize lines, make costumes, build the set, and not kill anyone in the process, it can get pretty chaotic. I was in the senior play at my school, which ended two days ago. Our theatre teacher who chose the play randomly disappeared, and we have no idea what happened to her. She left us at the worst possible time, and it did not seem like our play was going to get done. But, a substitute teacher jumped in, 5 weeks before the performance date, and saved us. She worked hard with us to get the set built, to make costumes, and to make sure every one of us got our lines and cues down. It was nothing short of a miracle that this play went as well as it did. I hadn't paid attention to it before hand, but looking back at it now, I can say that God helped us with our play. He sent Miss Desbiens to help us get done what we needed to get done, and He helped us get along with each other.
There are a lot of very different people in my theatre class, and most of us have very different beliefs, but we didn't argue about them. Sure, the topic of beliefs was brought up, but we just stated what we believed in and moved on, partly because no one wanted to start an arguement and partly because our play was so crunched on time. Looking back, I did have some interesting conversations with a few of the well known athiests in my class, which I just thought of as casual conversation, but my friends pointed out that it was, in a way, witnessing.
Now my chance to witness to some of the most stubborn athiests I know astounded some of my friends. I've one friend who gets in a religious debate with these girls at least every other day. She was amazed that I had gotten a chance to talk to these girls without starting WW3. I went home from school that day thinking about it. Sure, I had managed to witness to these girls a little bit, but that was not my intention at all when I was talking to them. With the first girl, I was merely telling her about the World Vision Christmas Gift Catalogue and how cool I thought it was that just a little bit of money could go so far in a foreign country. The second girl had asked me if I hated gays because I'm religious. Well, she put it as a statement, rather than a question. I simply told her I don't agree with homosexuality, but that doesn't mean I hate gays. I've had friends who are gay, and I still stand up for them the same way I do for my straight friends. We talked a little more about that and she was quite surprised about what I had to say. But I never thought of how that could be witnessing, until I had a few friends point it out. To me, I was just talking.
The worst part of the last couple weeks was the fact that I was starting to get sick just before opening night for my play. That's a big stress when there's no one who can take your place. I pushed myself to get out of bed each morning and go to school so I could go to play practice or work at lunch, and then more practice after school, until 5-6 pm. Having stress at home, and at school, and trying not to get sick on top of that is not very fun. I over worked myself with theis play, and I'm paying for it now. I've gotten pretty sick and it sucks, but I can tell you that missing my play would've been worse. The other thing that's been bothering me is I've picked up some habits at school that I'd rather not have. You see, my theatre class has some very mouthy people in it. I started swearing at school, which made me feel miserable about myself, because I want people to see me as a Christian, not somebody who claims to be a Christian but acts just like everyone else at school. I stopped reading my devotions because I was exhausted by the time I got home, and I wasn't praying as much as I normally do. This hurt me more than I could see at the time. I see it now, though. I was having a hard time with almost everything in my life, and the reason why I was having such trouble is I wasn't giving it all to God. I was trying to do it all on my own. And I can't do that.
I spent some extra time praying and reading my bible yesterday, and then listening to praise music as I cleaned up my bedroom, and it helped me get back on my feet. I had to be reminded that God is still with me, whether I can feel Him or not, He never leaves me. All I have to do is ask for His help, and He'll help me. It may not be how I want Him to help me, it may not be when I want Him to help me, but He will help me. I've still got some things I've got to sort out, but I know I'm not on my own. I've got friends who want to help me, and I've got God who wants to help me. So when life gets to you, just remember, you're never in it alone. God is always there
I've been sick, stressed, confused and not sleeping. I had a bunch of little problems in my life that I didn't want to deal with when they came up, because I was "too busy". Well, when you've got 5 weeks to put on a play, and that's memorize lines, make costumes, build the set, and not kill anyone in the process, it can get pretty chaotic. I was in the senior play at my school, which ended two days ago. Our theatre teacher who chose the play randomly disappeared, and we have no idea what happened to her. She left us at the worst possible time, and it did not seem like our play was going to get done. But, a substitute teacher jumped in, 5 weeks before the performance date, and saved us. She worked hard with us to get the set built, to make costumes, and to make sure every one of us got our lines and cues down. It was nothing short of a miracle that this play went as well as it did. I hadn't paid attention to it before hand, but looking back at it now, I can say that God helped us with our play. He sent Miss Desbiens to help us get done what we needed to get done, and He helped us get along with each other.
There are a lot of very different people in my theatre class, and most of us have very different beliefs, but we didn't argue about them. Sure, the topic of beliefs was brought up, but we just stated what we believed in and moved on, partly because no one wanted to start an arguement and partly because our play was so crunched on time. Looking back, I did have some interesting conversations with a few of the well known athiests in my class, which I just thought of as casual conversation, but my friends pointed out that it was, in a way, witnessing.
Now my chance to witness to some of the most stubborn athiests I know astounded some of my friends. I've one friend who gets in a religious debate with these girls at least every other day. She was amazed that I had gotten a chance to talk to these girls without starting WW3. I went home from school that day thinking about it. Sure, I had managed to witness to these girls a little bit, but that was not my intention at all when I was talking to them. With the first girl, I was merely telling her about the World Vision Christmas Gift Catalogue and how cool I thought it was that just a little bit of money could go so far in a foreign country. The second girl had asked me if I hated gays because I'm religious. Well, she put it as a statement, rather than a question. I simply told her I don't agree with homosexuality, but that doesn't mean I hate gays. I've had friends who are gay, and I still stand up for them the same way I do for my straight friends. We talked a little more about that and she was quite surprised about what I had to say. But I never thought of how that could be witnessing, until I had a few friends point it out. To me, I was just talking.
The worst part of the last couple weeks was the fact that I was starting to get sick just before opening night for my play. That's a big stress when there's no one who can take your place. I pushed myself to get out of bed each morning and go to school so I could go to play practice or work at lunch, and then more practice after school, until 5-6 pm. Having stress at home, and at school, and trying not to get sick on top of that is not very fun. I over worked myself with theis play, and I'm paying for it now. I've gotten pretty sick and it sucks, but I can tell you that missing my play would've been worse. The other thing that's been bothering me is I've picked up some habits at school that I'd rather not have. You see, my theatre class has some very mouthy people in it. I started swearing at school, which made me feel miserable about myself, because I want people to see me as a Christian, not somebody who claims to be a Christian but acts just like everyone else at school. I stopped reading my devotions because I was exhausted by the time I got home, and I wasn't praying as much as I normally do. This hurt me more than I could see at the time. I see it now, though. I was having a hard time with almost everything in my life, and the reason why I was having such trouble is I wasn't giving it all to God. I was trying to do it all on my own. And I can't do that.
I spent some extra time praying and reading my bible yesterday, and then listening to praise music as I cleaned up my bedroom, and it helped me get back on my feet. I had to be reminded that God is still with me, whether I can feel Him or not, He never leaves me. All I have to do is ask for His help, and He'll help me. It may not be how I want Him to help me, it may not be when I want Him to help me, but He will help me. I've still got some things I've got to sort out, but I know I'm not on my own. I've got friends who want to help me, and I've got God who wants to help me. So when life gets to you, just remember, you're never in it alone. God is always there
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Thanksgiving
It's been a while since the last time I posted anything, but I have been pretty busy with school, family, and trying to earn money to go backto Mexico, as well as running a girls bible study for my youth group girls. My thoughts now are, of course, focussed on this holiday of Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving. I mean, you get great food, family and friends. What could be better? But I do know that that is not the point of Thanksgiving. Most of us have heard enough about the origins of Thanksgiving to know thatit was started by the pilgrims in the US however many years ago. They stop teaching you that in school after about the third grade, so I don't recall all the details. There's a poem that someone showed my that truely sums up the real meaning of Thanksgiving, and it kind of makes you see things differently.
I am thankful for...
...the taxes I pay...
...because it means I'm employed.
...the clothes that fit a little too snug...
...because it means I have enough to eat.
...my shadow who watches me work...
...because it means I am out in the sunshine.
...a lawn that need mowing, windows that need cleaning...
...and gutters that need fixing...
...because it means I have a home.
...the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot...
...because it means I am capable of walking.
...my huge heating bill...
...because it meansI am warm.
...all the complaining I hear about our government...
...because it means we have freedom of speech.
...the lady behind me in church who sings off key...
...because it means that I can hear.
...the piles of laundry and ironing...
...because it means my loved ones are nearby.
...the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours...
...because it means I'm alive.
...weariness and aching muscles at the end of day...
...because it means I have been productive.
The art of thanksliving. It is gratitude in action. It is thanking God for the gift of life by living it triumphantly. It is thanking God for your talents and abilities by accepting them as obligations to be invested for the common good. It is thanking God for all that men and women have done for you by doing things for others. It is thanking God for beauty by helping to make the world more beautiful. It is thanking God for inspiration by trying to be an inspiration to others.
I don't know who wrote this, but it puts things in such a simple and clear way, that you just can't ignore the truth of it. It blows my mind, knowing how much I have to be thankful for. Sure, my life hasn't been easy, and I don't get to go out and buy whatever I want like my friends, but I have been blessed far beyond anything I deserve. My life could be a dream come true to many children in this world. This Thanksgiving, I am going to thank everyone I know, my friends and family, for just being a part of my life, because whether I like them or not, or whether I see it or not, they are a part of my life for a reason. And God doesn't start things that won't work out. I'm going to thank everyone who has made a difference in my life. It may take me a while, but I will. I have a lot of family to thank, and a group of friends too. But above all of them, the person I need to thank the most is God. And I shouldn't only give Him thanks on Thanksgiving. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving all!
Love always <3
I am thankful for...
...the taxes I pay...
...because it means I'm employed.
...the clothes that fit a little too snug...
...because it means I have enough to eat.
...my shadow who watches me work...
...because it means I am out in the sunshine.
...a lawn that need mowing, windows that need cleaning...
...and gutters that need fixing...
...because it means I have a home.
...the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot...
...because it means I am capable of walking.
...my huge heating bill...
...because it meansI am warm.
...all the complaining I hear about our government...
...because it means we have freedom of speech.
...the lady behind me in church who sings off key...
...because it means that I can hear.
...the piles of laundry and ironing...
...because it means my loved ones are nearby.
...the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours...
...because it means I'm alive.
...weariness and aching muscles at the end of day...
...because it means I have been productive.
The art of thanksliving. It is gratitude in action. It is thanking God for the gift of life by living it triumphantly. It is thanking God for your talents and abilities by accepting them as obligations to be invested for the common good. It is thanking God for all that men and women have done for you by doing things for others. It is thanking God for beauty by helping to make the world more beautiful. It is thanking God for inspiration by trying to be an inspiration to others.
I don't know who wrote this, but it puts things in such a simple and clear way, that you just can't ignore the truth of it. It blows my mind, knowing how much I have to be thankful for. Sure, my life hasn't been easy, and I don't get to go out and buy whatever I want like my friends, but I have been blessed far beyond anything I deserve. My life could be a dream come true to many children in this world. This Thanksgiving, I am going to thank everyone I know, my friends and family, for just being a part of my life, because whether I like them or not, or whether I see it or not, they are a part of my life for a reason. And God doesn't start things that won't work out. I'm going to thank everyone who has made a difference in my life. It may take me a while, but I will. I have a lot of family to thank, and a group of friends too. But above all of them, the person I need to thank the most is God. And I shouldn't only give Him thanks on Thanksgiving. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving all!
Love always <3
Monday, September 20, 2010
To Write Love on Her Arms
I've been hearing for the past few years about To Write Love on Her Arms, as I've seen kids at my school show their support, and I've even seen bands in concerts where tee shirts with it plastered across their chests. I didn't really know what it was though. Once I looked into what it was, I gave it my complete support. To Write Love on Her Arms is a non profit movement that is dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. They work to encourage, inform, inspire and to invest directly into treatment and recovery.
Now, a lot of people support organizations like this because they think it's a good idea, but I support this cause because I know how the peoplw who they help feel. Looking back on my life so far, I've struggled with depression for a long time. I started showing signs of depression at a very young age, and by the time I hit high school, depression hit me as hard as it possibly could. At first, it just seemed like I was sad all the time for no reason. After I while I started thinking about what it would be like if I just disappeared. I starting cutting myself my first year of high school. It was my way of venting my anger, frustration and hurt. I didn't see the point in hurting others, so I hurt myself. I didn't want to hurt others. But other people hurt me on a daily basis, whether it was verbal or physical. I figured I must have been doing something wrong. My cutting started out as a form of venting and punishing myself.
It didn't stay as that for long. I didn't realize it at the time, but I developed an addiction to self harm. By the end of grade eight, I don't think a day went by when I didn't cut myself. I had some friends who would check my wrists everyday for new cuts. So I started cutting around my ankles. They made me feel ashamed for what I was doing, so I hid it. My family had no idea what was going on in my life, but they rarely did. My mom found out about my cutting twice in the almost three years where I cut myself on almost a daily basis. And she thinks it only happened those two times. She didn't do anything but get mad at me when she found out.
My cutting got to the point where I felt like I needed it to get through the day. I can't explain it in a way that wouldn't make me sound insane to anyone who hasn't dealt first hand with addiction. I remember talking with one of my teachers about it one day. He was my best friend through my depression, and my councellor. He helped me out a lot. His wife had been watching a program on suicide on night, and got him to watch it with her because she was worried about me, and he knew more about my situation than most people did. According to this program, there are seven steps in which one takes before taking their life. He told me the next day that he had seen me in various stages, and had seen me as close to one step away from actually taking my life. This kind of freaked me out. I mean, I'd attempted suicide many times, but after I failed, I never really thought I'd be able to do it. I still tried though. The choking game, cutting deeper, thinking about jumping off a bridge, taking too many pills.
I would've taken that last step had I not found support in my friends. I got so close a few times, that it terrifies me. I would've missed out on so much. After I decided to stop cutting, (Which took several tries before I was successful), I went for more than a year without cutting, or even thinking of cutting. I've relasped a few times, but I've managed to overcome my addiction. Sometimes when I get depressed, I start thinking that I want it, but than I remind myself of how far I've come, and all the people who worked so hard to support me that I'd be letting down.
I guess my point is, without people supporting them, very few people would be able to overcome their addictions. I know this from experience. I've struggled with addiction, and had no one to help me. And then I found friends who wanted to help me, and I am only alive because of them. Movements like To Write Love on Her Arms are essential if we really want to help those who are hurt, lost, broken and struggling for their lives. If you haven't heard of TWLOHA, I would reccommend that you look up their website.
http://www.twloha.com/vision/
Now, a lot of people support organizations like this because they think it's a good idea, but I support this cause because I know how the peoplw who they help feel. Looking back on my life so far, I've struggled with depression for a long time. I started showing signs of depression at a very young age, and by the time I hit high school, depression hit me as hard as it possibly could. At first, it just seemed like I was sad all the time for no reason. After I while I started thinking about what it would be like if I just disappeared. I starting cutting myself my first year of high school. It was my way of venting my anger, frustration and hurt. I didn't see the point in hurting others, so I hurt myself. I didn't want to hurt others. But other people hurt me on a daily basis, whether it was verbal or physical. I figured I must have been doing something wrong. My cutting started out as a form of venting and punishing myself.
It didn't stay as that for long. I didn't realize it at the time, but I developed an addiction to self harm. By the end of grade eight, I don't think a day went by when I didn't cut myself. I had some friends who would check my wrists everyday for new cuts. So I started cutting around my ankles. They made me feel ashamed for what I was doing, so I hid it. My family had no idea what was going on in my life, but they rarely did. My mom found out about my cutting twice in the almost three years where I cut myself on almost a daily basis. And she thinks it only happened those two times. She didn't do anything but get mad at me when she found out.
My cutting got to the point where I felt like I needed it to get through the day. I can't explain it in a way that wouldn't make me sound insane to anyone who hasn't dealt first hand with addiction. I remember talking with one of my teachers about it one day. He was my best friend through my depression, and my councellor. He helped me out a lot. His wife had been watching a program on suicide on night, and got him to watch it with her because she was worried about me, and he knew more about my situation than most people did. According to this program, there are seven steps in which one takes before taking their life. He told me the next day that he had seen me in various stages, and had seen me as close to one step away from actually taking my life. This kind of freaked me out. I mean, I'd attempted suicide many times, but after I failed, I never really thought I'd be able to do it. I still tried though. The choking game, cutting deeper, thinking about jumping off a bridge, taking too many pills.
I would've taken that last step had I not found support in my friends. I got so close a few times, that it terrifies me. I would've missed out on so much. After I decided to stop cutting, (Which took several tries before I was successful), I went for more than a year without cutting, or even thinking of cutting. I've relasped a few times, but I've managed to overcome my addiction. Sometimes when I get depressed, I start thinking that I want it, but than I remind myself of how far I've come, and all the people who worked so hard to support me that I'd be letting down.
I guess my point is, without people supporting them, very few people would be able to overcome their addictions. I know this from experience. I've struggled with addiction, and had no one to help me. And then I found friends who wanted to help me, and I am only alive because of them. Movements like To Write Love on Her Arms are essential if we really want to help those who are hurt, lost, broken and struggling for their lives. If you haven't heard of TWLOHA, I would reccommend that you look up their website.
http://www.twloha.com/vision/
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Changes
Change is all around us, and it's always happening. We change a little everyday, whether we realize it or not. Everything we do, and every choice we make changes us a little bit more. If you were to look at a photo of me from grades 8-12, you wouldn't think they were of the same person, I've changed so much. I've changed for the worse at times, and also for the better. In my English class, there are tons of posters on the walls, with various pictures and sayings. One of them caught my attention. It reads as follows:
I am me.
A declaration of self esteem.
In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me
Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine
Because I alone choose it -- I own everything about me
My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions
Whether they be to others or to myself -- I own all my fantasies
My dreams, my hopes, my fears --I own all my triumphs and
Successes, all my failures and mistakes, because I own all of me
I can become intimately aquainted with me -- By so doing
I can love meand be friendly with me in all my parts --I know
There are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other
Aspects I do not know -- But as long as I am
Friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously
And hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles
And for ways to find out more about me -- However I
look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever
I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically
look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever
I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically
Me -- If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought
And felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is
Unfitting, keeping the rest, and inventing something new for that
Which I discarded -- I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive
And to make sense and order out of the world of
People and things outside of me -- I own me, and therefore
I can engineer me -- I am me and
I can engineer me -- I am me and
I am okay.
--Virginia Satir
Now, the past few months I've been having a lot of trouble with the changes happening in my life. It pretty much started with a hair cut. A hair cut I didn't want. You know when you go to the hair dresser's and they say they'll only cut off an inch, but they end up cutting off like 3 or 4 inches? It was one of those haircuts. I was not expecting it, and I hated it. It took me a while to get over it, but eventually I learned to like it. A few days later, my boyfriend (Now ex), of ten months broke up with me. That was hard because we hung out with the same people, but didn't want to be anywhere near each other. It's a big thing when you go from talking to someone everyday to not at all. Within a month of this, I went on the biggest, most life changing trip I've experienced so far.
Yes, I'm talking yet again about my trip to Mexico. That trip changed me in many ways that I never could have imagined before now, and I'm sure it will continue to change me until I've learned all I can from it, and have a new life changing experience. Now, at fist the changes were along the lines of trying not to judge people, and trying to love everyone I met with God's love.
However, now I've been home for about two months. At first, I felt like I was wasting my life at home when I knew I could be out in the world somewhere, making a difference in someone's life.
Looking back, I realize now that I needed to change my ways, before I'd be able to help anyone anymore. I used to never leave the house without wearing makeup, straightening my hair, and only wearing certain clothes. I was extremely self conscious about how I looked. I hung out with some good people, and some bad people. I let a lot of people just walk all over me. But after coming home from Mexico, and having the time to sit and think about all the things I had learned there, I slowly began to change. I used to want to cover myself in piercings and tattoos.
Now, I've learned to be happy with how I look. I don't dye my hair all the time, I don't wear makeup (It's really bad for your eyes anyway), I wear whatever I feel comfortable, and I just really don't care what other people think of me. I don't want anymore piercings, in fact, I've taken out most of my earrings, and I'm not sure I still want to get a tattoo. From learning to be comfortable with myself, I'm finding it a lot easier to open up to people, be more outgoing, and make new friends, which is something I've never been able to do easily before.
Before going to Mexico, I was so used to having a boyfriend, that I didn't look at guys as anything more than a friend. That helped me a lot, because when I was first in high school, I would wonder what it would be like to date different guys I knew. Weird, I know. Meeting guys who want to be my friend for the sake of being my friend, rather than for the sake of trying to get with me has also helped me a lot lately. One of the things, however, that has come up because of things like this, is the fact that I'm now unsure about whether or not it is okay for me to like a guy as more than a friend. All my friends tell me I like one of my guy friends, but I'm not sure if it's okay for me to. I've been having trouble with that lately. I'm still trying to figure this one out. I've been thinking this may be another change I need to make in my life. Maybe I need to be comfortable with having feelings for someone.
Life's little quirks, it's ups and downs can teach you a lot about things you may need to change in your life, but you have to be listening. I wasn't listening for the longest time, but I am now, and I'm changing for the better. A lot better =)
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Walls
When I entered high school, putting up walls to protect myself seemed to be the thing to do. I didn't know many people, and I didn't really fit in with my friends. I was the black sheep of the group, please excuse the cliche. I had a rough childhood. I was bullied a lot, and pushed around. I had been abused in a few different ways. I didn't trust very many people, and it took a while for someone to earn my trust. In order to avoid more abuse when I entered high school, I put up many walls around myself. No body got throught them. Some people think they didn't, but they really didn't.
Those walls worked for me for a while, but after a time it seemed that I was only making things worse for me. I had no real friends, and I needed someone. Because of this I fell into a bad depression, where I suffered for a long time, and struggled with the addiction of self harm. I've been clean from self harm for about a year now, but it doesn't make it any easier sometimes. Lately, with the stress of going back to school, and dealing with my monster of a brother, I've found old feelings are resurfacing. I've begun to think how I used to, and I don't know how to change it. I feel like I'm hanging off the edge of a cliff, but there's no one around to help me.
Most of my friends and family have no idea that this is going on. Heck, most of my family didn't see it the first time it was happening. They knew I was depressed, but they figured it was just teenage angst. I suppose for a time it could've been. But not the whole time. During the darkest part of my depression, I was possessed by a demon. Not like in the movies, where someone would talk in a creepy voice and bend over backwards, or spin their head around. But there was something evil controlling my, because I had let it into my life. Somehow, whether it be through the cutting, the insecurity, or something else, this thing managed to find its way through my maze of walls. I struggled with this things for probably a year. It was miserable. I had made some new friends, and they, along with some of my older friends, managed to help me get rid of the thing.
For the first time in my life, I felt free, like I didn't need the walls. But that didn't last long. Once school started up again, and life got back into its "normal" routine, the walls went right up again. And I've been struggling to knock them down ever since. Not many people have met the real me, and most of who have, haven't met the real me the first time they've met me. Most people have just seen the mask, and not the girl behind the mask. At this particular moment in time, I think there only may be one person who has seen beyond the mask in recent months, but sometimes I wonder if they really see me at all.
I managed to take down my walls for about a week this summer, but soon after that, they started to go back up. I feel like I'm trapped in a prison I built around myself, and there's no way out. These walls that started out as such a good idea have just screwed me over in the end. I'm still working on pulling them down, but it seems like everytime I get one down, another goes up, and it's out of my control.
Those walls worked for me for a while, but after a time it seemed that I was only making things worse for me. I had no real friends, and I needed someone. Because of this I fell into a bad depression, where I suffered for a long time, and struggled with the addiction of self harm. I've been clean from self harm for about a year now, but it doesn't make it any easier sometimes. Lately, with the stress of going back to school, and dealing with my monster of a brother, I've found old feelings are resurfacing. I've begun to think how I used to, and I don't know how to change it. I feel like I'm hanging off the edge of a cliff, but there's no one around to help me.
Most of my friends and family have no idea that this is going on. Heck, most of my family didn't see it the first time it was happening. They knew I was depressed, but they figured it was just teenage angst. I suppose for a time it could've been. But not the whole time. During the darkest part of my depression, I was possessed by a demon. Not like in the movies, where someone would talk in a creepy voice and bend over backwards, or spin their head around. But there was something evil controlling my, because I had let it into my life. Somehow, whether it be through the cutting, the insecurity, or something else, this thing managed to find its way through my maze of walls. I struggled with this things for probably a year. It was miserable. I had made some new friends, and they, along with some of my older friends, managed to help me get rid of the thing.
For the first time in my life, I felt free, like I didn't need the walls. But that didn't last long. Once school started up again, and life got back into its "normal" routine, the walls went right up again. And I've been struggling to knock them down ever since. Not many people have met the real me, and most of who have, haven't met the real me the first time they've met me. Most people have just seen the mask, and not the girl behind the mask. At this particular moment in time, I think there only may be one person who has seen beyond the mask in recent months, but sometimes I wonder if they really see me at all.
I managed to take down my walls for about a week this summer, but soon after that, they started to go back up. I feel like I'm trapped in a prison I built around myself, and there's no way out. These walls that started out as such a good idea have just screwed me over in the end. I'm still working on pulling them down, but it seems like everytime I get one down, another goes up, and it's out of my control.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Pondering...
Today I got the chance to spend some time with a friend I haven't seen all summer. I enjoyed it a lot. We had lunch together, and then walked around town and talked for almost three hours. We both went in different directions at the beginning of summer, her focus being bible camp and my focus being my trip to Mexico. Since then we've both been pondering many ideas we've had in the past. I found it interesting that we had both thoguh about the same things and come to the same conclusions even though we hadn't spoken to each other in two months.
One of the things I've had problems with since returning to Canada was the way people dress here. Normally it isn't a terrible thing, but after going to a country that is extremely conscious about how much skin their ladies show, and coming home to find girls walking around town in bikini tops and short shorts, or other scanty outfits, really makes one think. The conclusion I've come to is, if I wouldn't wear it in Mexico, what makes it okay for me to wear it here? Wearing revealing clothing will still do the same things to the boys here as it would there. The only difference is it's culturally exceptable here.
I am an ambitious girl who loves to dream big. One of my older dreams was to become a clothing designer and design clothing that was stylish and modest. Modest clothing isn't always easy to come by when you want something that you actually like. I mean, I love lounging around in my man jeans and a tee, but sometimes I feel like making myself look more like a lady. It's just how girls are made. I had abandoned this dream, because my father told me it wasn't practical and other people thought it was stupid. Talking with my friend today, she told me she had the same ideas, yet had also abandoned them. Her boyfriend spent the summer telling her that maybe she should go for it.
After talking with my friend about the various other ideas we'd had over the last few years and abandoned, we both started to wonder. Were they really worth abandoning? Or were we on to something? Who knows. Until we figure it all out, we'll be relying on God to direct our paths. That's all I have time for tonight.
One of the things I've had problems with since returning to Canada was the way people dress here. Normally it isn't a terrible thing, but after going to a country that is extremely conscious about how much skin their ladies show, and coming home to find girls walking around town in bikini tops and short shorts, or other scanty outfits, really makes one think. The conclusion I've come to is, if I wouldn't wear it in Mexico, what makes it okay for me to wear it here? Wearing revealing clothing will still do the same things to the boys here as it would there. The only difference is it's culturally exceptable here.
I am an ambitious girl who loves to dream big. One of my older dreams was to become a clothing designer and design clothing that was stylish and modest. Modest clothing isn't always easy to come by when you want something that you actually like. I mean, I love lounging around in my man jeans and a tee, but sometimes I feel like making myself look more like a lady. It's just how girls are made. I had abandoned this dream, because my father told me it wasn't practical and other people thought it was stupid. Talking with my friend today, she told me she had the same ideas, yet had also abandoned them. Her boyfriend spent the summer telling her that maybe she should go for it.
After talking with my friend about the various other ideas we'd had over the last few years and abandoned, we both started to wonder. Were they really worth abandoning? Or were we on to something? Who knows. Until we figure it all out, we'll be relying on God to direct our paths. That's all I have time for tonight.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Christian Denominations... ???
Denominations have always confused me, and seemed quite pointless to me. I mean, if we're all Christian, and we all believe that God sent His son, Jesus Christ, to die for our sins, and that Christ rose again three days after His crucifiction, what's the point in dividing ourselves? Why should we put more labels into the world? Especially if they don't need to be there? I've attended a Baptist- Fellowship church all my life, but if you asked me to define a baptist church, I wouldn't be able to go much farther than saying Christians. I've attended other churches on occasion, and have regularily attended youth groups at churches of otehr denominations, but I still don't understand the differences, or the point.
Now, I don't know a lot about the technicalities of the denominations, but I know there are differences. From what I've heard, however, these differences seem meaningless to me. I've read that some denoms don't allow their people to outwardly worship God in ways like dance, loud singing, etc. Some don't believe you should eat certain foods, some believe you should only dress a certain way, and so on. My main problem with denoms is not the rules or restrictions they place on people. It is the fact that we are dividing ourselves from each other.
I'm writing about this today, because of a passage I came across while reading my bible. 1 Corinthians 10:17 reads as follows:
"I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose. For some members of Chloe's household have told me about your quarrels, my dear brothers and sisters, Some of you are saying, "I am a follower of Paul." Others are saying, "I follow Apollos," or "I follow Peter," or "I only follow Christ." Has Christ been divided into fractions? Was I, Paul, crucified for you? Were any of you baptized in the name of Paul? Of course not! I thank God that I did not baptize any of you except Crispus and Gaius, for now no one can say they were baptized in my name. (Oh yes, I also baptized the household of Stephanas, but I don't remember baptizing anyone else.) For Christ didn't send me to baptize, but to praech the Good News - and not with clever speech, for fear that the cross of Christ would lose its power."
Now, I don't know how you interpret this. But when I read this passage, the first part in particular, I start wondering if denominations are really such a good thing. They put up walls between believers, and separate friends. I don't think it's that great to give this world more labels to put on people. I personally think labels suck. I guess what I'm trying to say is, should our denomination really matter? Should we place extra labels on ourselves, or just call ourselves believers of Christ? Should Christians be Baptist Christians, Adventist, Alliance, etc. Or, if we all believe in the same thing, shouldn't we just be Christians?
Now, I don't know a lot about the technicalities of the denominations, but I know there are differences. From what I've heard, however, these differences seem meaningless to me. I've read that some denoms don't allow their people to outwardly worship God in ways like dance, loud singing, etc. Some don't believe you should eat certain foods, some believe you should only dress a certain way, and so on. My main problem with denoms is not the rules or restrictions they place on people. It is the fact that we are dividing ourselves from each other.
I'm writing about this today, because of a passage I came across while reading my bible. 1 Corinthians 10:17 reads as follows:
"I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose. For some members of Chloe's household have told me about your quarrels, my dear brothers and sisters, Some of you are saying, "I am a follower of Paul." Others are saying, "I follow Apollos," or "I follow Peter," or "I only follow Christ." Has Christ been divided into fractions? Was I, Paul, crucified for you? Were any of you baptized in the name of Paul? Of course not! I thank God that I did not baptize any of you except Crispus and Gaius, for now no one can say they were baptized in my name. (Oh yes, I also baptized the household of Stephanas, but I don't remember baptizing anyone else.) For Christ didn't send me to baptize, but to praech the Good News - and not with clever speech, for fear that the cross of Christ would lose its power."
Now, I don't know how you interpret this. But when I read this passage, the first part in particular, I start wondering if denominations are really such a good thing. They put up walls between believers, and separate friends. I don't think it's that great to give this world more labels to put on people. I personally think labels suck. I guess what I'm trying to say is, should our denomination really matter? Should we place extra labels on ourselves, or just call ourselves believers of Christ? Should Christians be Baptist Christians, Adventist, Alliance, etc. Or, if we all believe in the same thing, shouldn't we just be Christians?
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Diving Into the Past
As I was searching my room for my guitar tuner (Which I still haven't found... ), I found the old notebook I wrote in during grade nine. It was given to my then best friend, for my fourteenth birthday, and I always carried it with me. I wrote letters to people, drew and doodled in it all the time. I always had it with me to capture my thoughts. I decided to sit down and flip through it, seen as I couldn't remember what all was in it. I came across many things that completely shocked me, and one thing that caught me eye. This is a free verse poem I wrote when I was fourteen, and going through a severe depression.
She
She struggles to hold on.
She fights to stay alive.
She has to force herself to eat.
She hates how she looks.
She hates herself.
She can't sleep,
Because he haunts her dreams.
She has to hide her true emotions from the world.
She believes she has no talents,
And she's worthless.
She fights to breathe,
To not let go and give up.
She tries to ignore everything they say about her.
She tries to hide the pain.
She feels invisible.
She feels anger, hatred, regret.
She suffers from her own doings,
As well as those of others.
She wishes she could disappear.
She tries to not let it get to her,
Overwhelm her,
Suffocate her.
She gasps for air.
She grasps for acceptance.
She deals with this her own way.
Don't hate her for who she is.
She lives in all of us.
I barely remember writing this. But I can tell you that at the time I kept this notebook, I was losing friends left, right and center. I was being abandoned by everyone i had come to trust. I had made some big mistakes, but my "friends" couldn't look past my wrong doings. All I wanted was someone to forgive, to love me, to tell me it would all be alright. I find it kind of funny that all the people I thought were my friends left me when I needed friends the most. But, that happens in life. At that time, I was a complete loner, because none of my friends could even look at me, they were so mad at me and disappointed in me. No one else wanted to befriend the "Loner Emo" kid. I was on my own, to try to figure life out. None of my family knew what was going on, aside from my friends all ditching me. They still don't know most of what happened, but as far as I'm concerned, it's the past.
God has given me the forgiveness and love that I need, and I see Him telling me that it will be alright everyday. God has blessed me with friends who won't leave me now when I mess up, and they stand beside me when I need them. God pulled me out of the darkest days of my life. And He can do the same for you. All you have to do is ask.
At the time I wrote this poem, I never thought I'd live to be sixteen. I thought that if I didn't do myself in, the pain I was feeling or my mistakes would. But God pulled me through. Looking back, the only reason I felt hopeless, was because I wasn't looking in the right place for hope, love, and comfort. I was trying to find those things here on earth, in people, rather than in the Eternal Father, Almighty God.
She
She struggles to hold on.
She fights to stay alive.
She has to force herself to eat.
She hates how she looks.
She hates herself.
She can't sleep,
Because he haunts her dreams.
She has to hide her true emotions from the world.
She believes she has no talents,
And she's worthless.
She fights to breathe,
To not let go and give up.
She tries to ignore everything they say about her.
She tries to hide the pain.
She feels invisible.
She feels anger, hatred, regret.
She suffers from her own doings,
As well as those of others.
She wishes she could disappear.
She tries to not let it get to her,
Overwhelm her,
Suffocate her.
She gasps for air.
She grasps for acceptance.
She deals with this her own way.
Don't hate her for who she is.
She lives in all of us.
I barely remember writing this. But I can tell you that at the time I kept this notebook, I was losing friends left, right and center. I was being abandoned by everyone i had come to trust. I had made some big mistakes, but my "friends" couldn't look past my wrong doings. All I wanted was someone to forgive, to love me, to tell me it would all be alright. I find it kind of funny that all the people I thought were my friends left me when I needed friends the most. But, that happens in life. At that time, I was a complete loner, because none of my friends could even look at me, they were so mad at me and disappointed in me. No one else wanted to befriend the "Loner Emo" kid. I was on my own, to try to figure life out. None of my family knew what was going on, aside from my friends all ditching me. They still don't know most of what happened, but as far as I'm concerned, it's the past.
God has given me the forgiveness and love that I need, and I see Him telling me that it will be alright everyday. God has blessed me with friends who won't leave me now when I mess up, and they stand beside me when I need them. God pulled me out of the darkest days of my life. And He can do the same for you. All you have to do is ask.
At the time I wrote this poem, I never thought I'd live to be sixteen. I thought that if I didn't do myself in, the pain I was feeling or my mistakes would. But God pulled me through. Looking back, the only reason I felt hopeless, was because I wasn't looking in the right place for hope, love, and comfort. I was trying to find those things here on earth, in people, rather than in the Eternal Father, Almighty God.
A Life Changing Week
Since coming home from Mexico, Mexico has never been very far from my thoughts. My friends know this very well. I've even had dreams about Mexico and the people I met there. Mexico changed my life in ways I never had imagined.
The weekend before we left, one of my aunts walked up to me at church and told me I was going to have so much fun, and come back as a changed person. I wasn't having a very good day, as I was nervous about the upcoming trip, and this aunt never usually talked to me. I was offended that she was telling me how much I would be changed when she didn't even know me. I didn't realize until I left Mexico that I needed to change, and the fact that I was angry at her for telling me I would change proved that. I've been on life changing trips before, but Mexico was the most impacting by far.
I have organized girls nights in my youth group, to help bring the girls together and to teach the younger girls more about God, and to offer them help through hard times. We may be having on in September, so I've been working on a bible study talk. I got inspiration for the talk while at a lake, for our youth finale before summer. A friend and I were walking along the shore talking, when this little log in the water caught my eye. I video taped it on my camera. It was caught on a smaller rock, and was rocking back and forth because of the waves. For some reason, that was exactly how I felt at that moment. I felt like there were things in my life pushing me forward, but there were also things pushing me back, and I was just caught in the middle, not knowing what to do or where to go. Just a few feet away from this log was a bigger rock protruding from the water. I also video taped this rock. This rock was firmly rooted in to ground, so the waves just went around it. I thoguht to myself, "Do I want to be the log that just gets pushed around and doesn't know where to go or what to do? Or, do I want to be the rock, firmly rooted and able to withstand the troubles this world will throw my way?"
I hadn't gotten very far in writing the bible study, because I had no idea where to go with it. So I figured I would wait until I got back from Mexico. When I got back from Mexico, and looked at my original notes, things started making sense. Like my aunt, telling me I would be changed. I didn't expect I would be changed. But I was perhaps one of the most affected people on that trip. The biggest change in me was that I was able to let go of all the things in my life that were pushing me back. I had a pretty rough childhood, and I had a lot of anger, self pity, and sadness pent up. There were people in my life I needed to forgive, and people I needed to reach out to, but I could not see past myself, and my own problems. Mexico and the people I met there helped me out a lot with these things and so much more. And I am reminded of everything in me that has changed on a daily basis, several times a day.
I used to try very hard to change how I look, because I wasn't beautiful by my peers' standards. I wasn't one of the "cool" kids, because my parents couldn't afford to put me in sports or dance or music classes when I was younger, and a lot of my clothes are second hand. I would hide my Christian faith, because they would make fun of me for it. I tried everything to fit in. But it never worked. I know now, that that is because I was not meant to fit in with most of the people at my school. There are bigger plans for my life than going and getting drunk every weekend. My trip to Mexico, and the people I met there helped me to see that God made me beautiful in my own way, and that I don't really need to try to fit in the the "cool" kids at my school, because fitting in here isn't part of God's plan for me. God made me to be different.
The weekend before we left, one of my aunts walked up to me at church and told me I was going to have so much fun, and come back as a changed person. I wasn't having a very good day, as I was nervous about the upcoming trip, and this aunt never usually talked to me. I was offended that she was telling me how much I would be changed when she didn't even know me. I didn't realize until I left Mexico that I needed to change, and the fact that I was angry at her for telling me I would change proved that. I've been on life changing trips before, but Mexico was the most impacting by far.
I have organized girls nights in my youth group, to help bring the girls together and to teach the younger girls more about God, and to offer them help through hard times. We may be having on in September, so I've been working on a bible study talk. I got inspiration for the talk while at a lake, for our youth finale before summer. A friend and I were walking along the shore talking, when this little log in the water caught my eye. I video taped it on my camera. It was caught on a smaller rock, and was rocking back and forth because of the waves. For some reason, that was exactly how I felt at that moment. I felt like there were things in my life pushing me forward, but there were also things pushing me back, and I was just caught in the middle, not knowing what to do or where to go. Just a few feet away from this log was a bigger rock protruding from the water. I also video taped this rock. This rock was firmly rooted in to ground, so the waves just went around it. I thoguht to myself, "Do I want to be the log that just gets pushed around and doesn't know where to go or what to do? Or, do I want to be the rock, firmly rooted and able to withstand the troubles this world will throw my way?"
I hadn't gotten very far in writing the bible study, because I had no idea where to go with it. So I figured I would wait until I got back from Mexico. When I got back from Mexico, and looked at my original notes, things started making sense. Like my aunt, telling me I would be changed. I didn't expect I would be changed. But I was perhaps one of the most affected people on that trip. The biggest change in me was that I was able to let go of all the things in my life that were pushing me back. I had a pretty rough childhood, and I had a lot of anger, self pity, and sadness pent up. There were people in my life I needed to forgive, and people I needed to reach out to, but I could not see past myself, and my own problems. Mexico and the people I met there helped me out a lot with these things and so much more. And I am reminded of everything in me that has changed on a daily basis, several times a day.
I used to try very hard to change how I look, because I wasn't beautiful by my peers' standards. I wasn't one of the "cool" kids, because my parents couldn't afford to put me in sports or dance or music classes when I was younger, and a lot of my clothes are second hand. I would hide my Christian faith, because they would make fun of me for it. I tried everything to fit in. But it never worked. I know now, that that is because I was not meant to fit in with most of the people at my school. There are bigger plans for my life than going and getting drunk every weekend. My trip to Mexico, and the people I met there helped me to see that God made me beautiful in my own way, and that I don't really need to try to fit in the the "cool" kids at my school, because fitting in here isn't part of God's plan for me. God made me to be different.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Love
Love is something everyone thinks about. How can they not? It's everywhere. But do we really know what love is? I'm not so sure aboutmost people now.
1 Corinthians, chapter 13 reads:
"If I could speak in any language in heaven or on earth, but didn't love others, I would only be making meaningless noise like a loud gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I knew all the mysteries of the future and knew everything about everything, but didn't love others, what good would I be? And if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move, without love I would be no good to anybody. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn't love others, I would be of no value whatsoever.
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
Love will last forever, but prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will all disappear. Now we know only a little, and even the gift of prophecy reveals little! But when the end comes, these special gifts will all disappear.
It's like this: When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child does. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly as in a poor mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me now.
There are three things that will endure-faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love"
I had a conversation wiht a friend last nigh about love. How love comes from God, because God is love. How if you truely love someone, you love God too, because love comes from God. I had never thought of it that way, but once I did, it made so much sense. I guess it was one of those things that I had heard so many times, I just thought I knew all about it. And yet again, it turns out I was wrong! But, I was wrong about love because I'm a teenager, and I get caught up in the "I've heard a little about it, I know everything about it" thing every once in a while. And this was one of those things.
It seems that the thing I've learned the most about in the last two years is love, and more specifically, God's love. God's love amazes me. Last night and this morning, I looked up "love" in the concordance of my study bible, and read most of the passages that had to do with love. And I was blown away. God's love is just so incredible. It is strong, and faithful, it never backs down, or goes away, it lasts forever and ever, no matter what you say or do, God loves you. This blows my mind away. God loves us, no matter how many times we mess up in life. And no matter what it is that we mess up. He still loves us. He's loved us since the beginning of time. And He will continue to love us for eternity. Unconditionally. No matter what. He loves us.
The song "How He Loves" by David Crowder Band has been going through my head this week. I love that song. And after the conversation I had with my friend about love, and reading what's written in the bible concerning love, listening to this song makes me appreciate God's love so much more than I ever have before. It's one of those little things, that a lot of us take forgranted, but it can change our lives, if we accept His love, and learn just how much He really loves us.
Last night I asked God to fill my heart with His love, and I asked that He would help me to express that love to everyone I meet. I've noticed that I've started to change, yet again. I'm seeing people in a different way, and I can feel the love of God inside me, reaching out toward them. It is the most incredible thing I've ever felt. I can't really explain it. But it is mind-blowing.
Verse 13 of 1 Corinthians 13 reads: There are three things that will endure forever- faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love. That's the thought I will leave you with today. The greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians, chapter 13 reads:
"If I could speak in any language in heaven or on earth, but didn't love others, I would only be making meaningless noise like a loud gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I knew all the mysteries of the future and knew everything about everything, but didn't love others, what good would I be? And if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move, without love I would be no good to anybody. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn't love others, I would be of no value whatsoever.
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
Love will last forever, but prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will all disappear. Now we know only a little, and even the gift of prophecy reveals little! But when the end comes, these special gifts will all disappear.
It's like this: When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child does. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly as in a poor mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me now.
There are three things that will endure-faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love"
I had a conversation wiht a friend last nigh about love. How love comes from God, because God is love. How if you truely love someone, you love God too, because love comes from God. I had never thought of it that way, but once I did, it made so much sense. I guess it was one of those things that I had heard so many times, I just thought I knew all about it. And yet again, it turns out I was wrong! But, I was wrong about love because I'm a teenager, and I get caught up in the "I've heard a little about it, I know everything about it" thing every once in a while. And this was one of those things.
It seems that the thing I've learned the most about in the last two years is love, and more specifically, God's love. God's love amazes me. Last night and this morning, I looked up "love" in the concordance of my study bible, and read most of the passages that had to do with love. And I was blown away. God's love is just so incredible. It is strong, and faithful, it never backs down, or goes away, it lasts forever and ever, no matter what you say or do, God loves you. This blows my mind away. God loves us, no matter how many times we mess up in life. And no matter what it is that we mess up. He still loves us. He's loved us since the beginning of time. And He will continue to love us for eternity. Unconditionally. No matter what. He loves us.
The song "How He Loves" by David Crowder Band has been going through my head this week. I love that song. And after the conversation I had with my friend about love, and reading what's written in the bible concerning love, listening to this song makes me appreciate God's love so much more than I ever have before. It's one of those little things, that a lot of us take forgranted, but it can change our lives, if we accept His love, and learn just how much He really loves us.
Last night I asked God to fill my heart with His love, and I asked that He would help me to express that love to everyone I meet. I've noticed that I've started to change, yet again. I'm seeing people in a different way, and I can feel the love of God inside me, reaching out toward them. It is the most incredible thing I've ever felt. I can't really explain it. But it is mind-blowing.
Verse 13 of 1 Corinthians 13 reads: There are three things that will endure forever- faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love. That's the thought I will leave you with today. The greatest of these is love.
Friday, August 20, 2010
It's The Little Things...
Sometimes, life can suck. Sometimes it sucks a lot. And there's usually nothing you can do about it. But, then, when you least expect it, life can be good. Sometimes it's a big thing, and sometimes it's little. I personally love the little things in life that make it worth living.
I've been having a pretty rough time lately, with family situations. I've decided to take the step I didn't want to, and work towards setting up a place and time, where my family can try to talk out their problems, together, and with a mediator, since we don't seem to be getting anywhere on our own. I've been pretty stressed out, with all the fights, stress and tension going through the house, and messing with everyone. It isn't a fun thing.
But, when I'm going through times like this, I have learned that it's the little things in life that make every trial so worth facing. Despite all the troubles I've faced this summer, I've gone to a different country, changed the lives of many of the people I met there, and made one of the best friends I've ever had, as well as figuring out where God wants me to be. I came home to two little brothers who missed me dearly, and one that probably would've rathered me stay in Mexico, but I love him anyway. I've been able to work and save a little money, in hopes to start a fund for me to return to Mexico next summer for six weeks.
I've been writing letters with one of the friends I made in Mexico, and we've been able to help each other, and learn from each other with almost every letter. I have to say, God has blessed me far beyond anything I could ever deserve. And even though I have been blessed with big things, I see more in the little things that we take forgranted everyday.
Things like a house, a hot shower, running water, a fridge full of food that we can prepare whenever we are hungry, a computer to keep in contact with friends and family, and to play games on. A crazy family that drives me absolutely crazy sometimes, but when it comes down to it, I love them very dearly, and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, (Although I have considered trading the eldest of my younger brothers for a tiger, thinking it would be easier to deal with). Crazy, awesome friends, the best anyone could ever ask for. My ability to read, write, and express myself through creativity. The love and mercy God has shown me every single day of my life.
Sure, I like seeing the big blessings in my life, but it's the little things that seem to have the biggest impact. I love the little things <3
I've been having a pretty rough time lately, with family situations. I've decided to take the step I didn't want to, and work towards setting up a place and time, where my family can try to talk out their problems, together, and with a mediator, since we don't seem to be getting anywhere on our own. I've been pretty stressed out, with all the fights, stress and tension going through the house, and messing with everyone. It isn't a fun thing.
But, when I'm going through times like this, I have learned that it's the little things in life that make every trial so worth facing. Despite all the troubles I've faced this summer, I've gone to a different country, changed the lives of many of the people I met there, and made one of the best friends I've ever had, as well as figuring out where God wants me to be. I came home to two little brothers who missed me dearly, and one that probably would've rathered me stay in Mexico, but I love him anyway. I've been able to work and save a little money, in hopes to start a fund for me to return to Mexico next summer for six weeks.
I've been writing letters with one of the friends I made in Mexico, and we've been able to help each other, and learn from each other with almost every letter. I have to say, God has blessed me far beyond anything I could ever deserve. And even though I have been blessed with big things, I see more in the little things that we take forgranted everyday.
Things like a house, a hot shower, running water, a fridge full of food that we can prepare whenever we are hungry, a computer to keep in contact with friends and family, and to play games on. A crazy family that drives me absolutely crazy sometimes, but when it comes down to it, I love them very dearly, and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, (Although I have considered trading the eldest of my younger brothers for a tiger, thinking it would be easier to deal with). Crazy, awesome friends, the best anyone could ever ask for. My ability to read, write, and express myself through creativity. The love and mercy God has shown me every single day of my life.
Sure, I like seeing the big blessings in my life, but it's the little things that seem to have the biggest impact. I love the little things <3
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
He will pull you through
I've struggled for several years with a severe depression. I took anti-depressants for a while, but after about 6 months they stopped working, and I didn't want to take more than I already was. After some intense spiritual experiences, I was able to get a hold of my depression and beat it. Or so I thought. I've recently learned that depression never really goes away. It's always there, at least a little bit, whether it tries to pull you down or not.
I've had quite a lot of trouble with my depression since coming back from Mexico. There are so many people that I met in Mexico that I miss dearly, and I would love to see again. I also miss how un-secular the Base is. And how people aren't so shallow and judgemental, and how everyone is focussing on God. My town is very secular, and most of the teens spend their free time partying, getting wasted and high. Or spending every penny they have on useless material things. Going to Mexico changed the way I look at almost everything. It's a crazy thing, that I don't really know how to explain. I miss Mexico a lot.
I miss Mexico so much that I really don't want to be here, where I have lived my entire life. My brother doesn't help at all though. He's a year younger than me, but is quite verbally abusive towards me. It doesn't help that I already have many insecurities, and I lack self esteem, and still suffer from depression whenever I let my guard down. I've gotten away from my house every chance I get, to get a break from him, because I don't want to fall back into the depression I spent two and a half years in. I really don't want to go back. Last night, however reminded me that I am not alone, no matter what I go through.
Last night was our final youth meeting of the summer. Normal youth starts up again in September, shortly after we go back to school. We were going to play kickball, but the smoke from the near by forest fires forced us to stay inside for health reasons, so we had a game night, with everything from Dutch Blitz to Rockband and Risk. It was the most fun I've had since I got back from Mexico. I hadn't been having a very good day, so on the way, I stopped and picked up a Beaver Buzz, (Which is a Canadian made energy drink, if you didn't know). I had downed it within the first ten minutes of being at youth, and was ready to forget my problems with my brother, and have some fun. I'm usually the kind of person to sit and watch everyone play, and sometimes play the odd board game. But my friends got me playing on Rockband, which I haven't done in forever, but I did pretty good. Just before I left, while my mum was trying to get me to leave, they got me to sing on Rockband. Which I've never done before, because I am very self concious about my singing voice.
The fact that none of my friends care about the things I am insecure about reminded me that God doesn't care either. And when I do what He wants me to do, and ask for help when I need it, I am perfect in His eyes. And that God will pull me through every single trial I face in my life, no matter how big or how small it is. It was kind of a random place to be reminded of this, but it worked for me. God is working at tearing down walls that I built up many years ago, that I forgot still existed. But He knows they need to come down, and I am finally ready to see some of them fall. But they will only fall by God's hand. And only when He wills them to.
I've had quite a lot of trouble with my depression since coming back from Mexico. There are so many people that I met in Mexico that I miss dearly, and I would love to see again. I also miss how un-secular the Base is. And how people aren't so shallow and judgemental, and how everyone is focussing on God. My town is very secular, and most of the teens spend their free time partying, getting wasted and high. Or spending every penny they have on useless material things. Going to Mexico changed the way I look at almost everything. It's a crazy thing, that I don't really know how to explain. I miss Mexico a lot.
I miss Mexico so much that I really don't want to be here, where I have lived my entire life. My brother doesn't help at all though. He's a year younger than me, but is quite verbally abusive towards me. It doesn't help that I already have many insecurities, and I lack self esteem, and still suffer from depression whenever I let my guard down. I've gotten away from my house every chance I get, to get a break from him, because I don't want to fall back into the depression I spent two and a half years in. I really don't want to go back. Last night, however reminded me that I am not alone, no matter what I go through.
Last night was our final youth meeting of the summer. Normal youth starts up again in September, shortly after we go back to school. We were going to play kickball, but the smoke from the near by forest fires forced us to stay inside for health reasons, so we had a game night, with everything from Dutch Blitz to Rockband and Risk. It was the most fun I've had since I got back from Mexico. I hadn't been having a very good day, so on the way, I stopped and picked up a Beaver Buzz, (Which is a Canadian made energy drink, if you didn't know). I had downed it within the first ten minutes of being at youth, and was ready to forget my problems with my brother, and have some fun. I'm usually the kind of person to sit and watch everyone play, and sometimes play the odd board game. But my friends got me playing on Rockband, which I haven't done in forever, but I did pretty good. Just before I left, while my mum was trying to get me to leave, they got me to sing on Rockband. Which I've never done before, because I am very self concious about my singing voice.
The fact that none of my friends care about the things I am insecure about reminded me that God doesn't care either. And when I do what He wants me to do, and ask for help when I need it, I am perfect in His eyes. And that God will pull me through every single trial I face in my life, no matter how big or how small it is. It was kind of a random place to be reminded of this, but it worked for me. God is working at tearing down walls that I built up many years ago, that I forgot still existed. But He knows they need to come down, and I am finally ready to see some of them fall. But they will only fall by God's hand. And only when He wills them to.
Monday, August 16, 2010
What Is Contentment?
Contentment. That a big thing. But what does it really mean?
Dictionaries define it as the following:
- happiness in one's situation in life
- the experience of satifaction, and being at ease in one's situation
- a form of fulfillment
- a state of mind in which one's desires are confined to his belongings
Contentment was something that always baffled me. Why should I be happy with what I have, when there are so many things I don't have? Things that would make life easier, better, thigns that could make me beautiful and popular. Why should I be happy with my life situation, when my life pretty much sucks? This was how I used to think.
I was raised in a wealthy country, where consumerism is huge. Everywhere you look, you are being told that you don't have something you need. But, why do we "need" these things? Here in Canada, and in the US, many of us have much more than we actually need. Yet we still want more. And usually, we get what we want, whether we have the money to get it or not. TV, magazines, posters, bill boards, music, everything tells you that you need to spend your money on something. Anything. A new computer, or phone. A bigger, better TV. A new, faster car. The lastest fashions. Where ever you look, you are being bombarded with things screaming "Buy me! You need me! I'll make your life so much better!"
Do we really need these things? No, of course not. We have so much more than what we need in order to survive. Most of us, however, don't pay attention to what we need, but what we want. We always want something more. New clothes, a bigger TV, the latest gaming system. There's always something. This is normal for us.
I never knew the true meaning of contentment until I went to Mexico. While I was there, I spent a lot of time playing with the children that lived in the areas we visited. These children knew contentment, on an extreme level. Now, if you think about kids here, they always want something, and it's usually pretty expensive. Everything they see on TV, they want. My little brothers are a prime example of this. The kids in Mexico, however, are completely different.
You could make a little Mexican kid's day, just by giving them a hug, and a tiny little sticker. Their faces would light up, and they would be filled with complete joy, by something as tiny as a sticker, or a bouncy ball. Now, how many kids do you know that get hyped up over a sticker, and a bouncy ball? How long does their excitment last, if it exists at all? Most kids I know would get bored really fast, if they got excited at all about a sticker or a bouncy ball. I learned so much from the kids I met in Mexico. I will never forget how excited they would get about a sticker, or making a bracelet.
True contentment is more than just being happy with what you have. It's living life to the fullest, no matter what you have. And enjoying every moment God has blessed you with. It doesn't matter whether you have a little, or a lot. True contentment lies within your heart. If your heart is focussed on wanting more material things, you will never be content. The only thing I believe we should want more and more of is love, and God. With that thought, I end this entry, mostly because I have to leave, but it's also a good thing to think about.
Are you truely content with what you have been blessed with? Or do you want more? Do you want to be content? Or do you want to always want more?
Dictionaries define it as the following:
- happiness in one's situation in life
- the experience of satifaction, and being at ease in one's situation
- a form of fulfillment
- a state of mind in which one's desires are confined to his belongings
Contentment was something that always baffled me. Why should I be happy with what I have, when there are so many things I don't have? Things that would make life easier, better, thigns that could make me beautiful and popular. Why should I be happy with my life situation, when my life pretty much sucks? This was how I used to think.
I was raised in a wealthy country, where consumerism is huge. Everywhere you look, you are being told that you don't have something you need. But, why do we "need" these things? Here in Canada, and in the US, many of us have much more than we actually need. Yet we still want more. And usually, we get what we want, whether we have the money to get it or not. TV, magazines, posters, bill boards, music, everything tells you that you need to spend your money on something. Anything. A new computer, or phone. A bigger, better TV. A new, faster car. The lastest fashions. Where ever you look, you are being bombarded with things screaming "Buy me! You need me! I'll make your life so much better!"
Do we really need these things? No, of course not. We have so much more than what we need in order to survive. Most of us, however, don't pay attention to what we need, but what we want. We always want something more. New clothes, a bigger TV, the latest gaming system. There's always something. This is normal for us.
I never knew the true meaning of contentment until I went to Mexico. While I was there, I spent a lot of time playing with the children that lived in the areas we visited. These children knew contentment, on an extreme level. Now, if you think about kids here, they always want something, and it's usually pretty expensive. Everything they see on TV, they want. My little brothers are a prime example of this. The kids in Mexico, however, are completely different.
You could make a little Mexican kid's day, just by giving them a hug, and a tiny little sticker. Their faces would light up, and they would be filled with complete joy, by something as tiny as a sticker, or a bouncy ball. Now, how many kids do you know that get hyped up over a sticker, and a bouncy ball? How long does their excitment last, if it exists at all? Most kids I know would get bored really fast, if they got excited at all about a sticker or a bouncy ball. I learned so much from the kids I met in Mexico. I will never forget how excited they would get about a sticker, or making a bracelet.
True contentment is more than just being happy with what you have. It's living life to the fullest, no matter what you have. And enjoying every moment God has blessed you with. It doesn't matter whether you have a little, or a lot. True contentment lies within your heart. If your heart is focussed on wanting more material things, you will never be content. The only thing I believe we should want more and more of is love, and God. With that thought, I end this entry, mostly because I have to leave, but it's also a good thing to think about.
Are you truely content with what you have been blessed with? Or do you want more? Do you want to be content? Or do you want to always want more?
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Sweet Memories
Today, at church, my youth pastor preached. His sermon was basically a recap of our Mexico trip. He called it "Reflections of Mexico". Now, at the beginning, he played a slide show, with some of the pictures people had taken on the trip. I haven't actually gone through all my pictures since just after I got back, and seeing my pictures, and the rest of the teams pictures, brought out a lot of emotions. I was trying my hardest not to cry. Then he called up me and one of the leaders who had been on the trip to talk a little bit about it. I was asked what I learned on the trip, and I was asked to keep it short.
Now, I learned a lot on the trip. It would take a long time to talk about every little thing I learned, and I would probably get side tracked here and there with stories of our adventures. But, since I was asked to keep it short, I summerized perhaps one of the most impacting things I learned.
I've been through quite a lot in my short life. And not all of it was good. Most of the time, when I was going through something pretty bad, I felt trapped. Like I'd never get out, and I wouldn't live to see tomorrow. I struggled with a very bad depression. It practically consumed my life. I dealt with an addiction to self harm, and many frightening anxiety attacks. I lived in misery for more than two years, and later learned that a lot of my troubles were being caused by demons, who had come into my life through my depression and anxiety. I had even seen one of these demons. I never thought any good would come from my experiences.
While we were in Mexico, one of my friends began having awful anxiety attacks, much like the ones I used to get. And there weren't any doctors that could find anythign medically wrong with him. Because of my experiences, I wondered if there was something wrong on a spiritual level. While my friend had these attacks, we would try our best to comfort him, and pray for him, because there was really nothing more we could do. His first attack was on our first night there. It was pretty scary. After he calmed down, however, we were able to talk with him about spiritual battles, and he said that what we talked about had helped him. I shared some of my stories with him, and he found it encouraging that we can make it through these awful things together.
Through out the week, I had many intense conversations with many of the people I met in Mexico, and shared parts of my testimony with them. A lot of them were encouraged by my story, which showed my that every little thing that happens in your life, whether it be big or small, good, bad or in between, happens for a reason, and that reason is all part of God's Eternal Plan.
Now, I learned a lot on the trip. It would take a long time to talk about every little thing I learned, and I would probably get side tracked here and there with stories of our adventures. But, since I was asked to keep it short, I summerized perhaps one of the most impacting things I learned.
I've been through quite a lot in my short life. And not all of it was good. Most of the time, when I was going through something pretty bad, I felt trapped. Like I'd never get out, and I wouldn't live to see tomorrow. I struggled with a very bad depression. It practically consumed my life. I dealt with an addiction to self harm, and many frightening anxiety attacks. I lived in misery for more than two years, and later learned that a lot of my troubles were being caused by demons, who had come into my life through my depression and anxiety. I had even seen one of these demons. I never thought any good would come from my experiences.
While we were in Mexico, one of my friends began having awful anxiety attacks, much like the ones I used to get. And there weren't any doctors that could find anythign medically wrong with him. Because of my experiences, I wondered if there was something wrong on a spiritual level. While my friend had these attacks, we would try our best to comfort him, and pray for him, because there was really nothing more we could do. His first attack was on our first night there. It was pretty scary. After he calmed down, however, we were able to talk with him about spiritual battles, and he said that what we talked about had helped him. I shared some of my stories with him, and he found it encouraging that we can make it through these awful things together.
Through out the week, I had many intense conversations with many of the people I met in Mexico, and shared parts of my testimony with them. A lot of them were encouraged by my story, which showed my that every little thing that happens in your life, whether it be big or small, good, bad or in between, happens for a reason, and that reason is all part of God's Eternal Plan.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Through His Eyes...
It's been a month and four days since I got back from Mexico. I wish I'd though of writing about it on here a lot sooner. I didn't have time nor a computer to update the blog while down there, but I did keep a journal, which I ended writing in multiple times a day, because there was so much going on that I did not want to forget. If you've ever been on a missions trip before, you may know what I'm talking about. It seems that God uses every little thing to open your eyes, and teach you, whether it be something new, or something you've heard a thousand times, but never really understood.
I was a little nervous about this trip, when it came down to the last few days before we left. I'd heard many things about culture shock, and people getting sick that I wasn't sure I still wanted to go. I had recently read a book about a girl, who was my age, who had gone to Mexico on a missions trip. The book encouraged me a lot. I decided to do as the girl in this book had done, and ask that God wouldn't show me Mexico with my eyes, but with His. He did. And boy, did it catch me off guard.
Driving across the USA/Mexico border was the start. There is an instant change in everything, the two countries are so very different, even though they are next to each other. Plus, there is this huge fence with barbed wire rounds (I wouldn't be surprised if it was an electric fence), right on the border, so, if the obvious physical differences weren't enough, you could tell where the border was. Everything was different once you cross the border. Even the richer Mexican cities look very poor by our standards. Many houses are in shambles, there are no fire departments, or any other form of government provided help for the people.
When we were driving through one of the cities, we saw a huge pillar of black smoke. As we got closer, we saw that it was a complex on the side of the road, fully engulfed in flame. And no one was doing anything about it. There were at least four families losing their homes, and all they could do was watch. That was a huge eye opener about how the government is in Mexico. They don't care about the people. At all.
Despite the bad things I saw driving into Mexico, there was something about Mexico that gave me a peace in my heart. I felt like I belonged there, which was a feeling I have never before experienced. It was truely amazing. And the more time I spent there, the more I felt at home. Like I was made to be there, reaching out to God's hurting children. Building houses, helping those who so desperately need help. I was very sad when our short week came to an end, but at the same time, I was grateful for everything God had shown me, and taught me.
When we were at our job site, working on building the house, or playing with the neighborhood kids in the street, I saw the people around me through God's eyes. I had no idea who most of them were, and there was a language barrier, because I speak only a little Spanish, and they spoke no English at all, but I loved each and every person I met, with a love I'd never experienced this strongly before. Before my trip, I asked that God would let me see this trip and the people I met on it through His eyes. And He did. I've come home full of God's love, and I don't intend to ever stop loving people with His love.
I was a little nervous about this trip, when it came down to the last few days before we left. I'd heard many things about culture shock, and people getting sick that I wasn't sure I still wanted to go. I had recently read a book about a girl, who was my age, who had gone to Mexico on a missions trip. The book encouraged me a lot. I decided to do as the girl in this book had done, and ask that God wouldn't show me Mexico with my eyes, but with His. He did. And boy, did it catch me off guard.
Driving across the USA/Mexico border was the start. There is an instant change in everything, the two countries are so very different, even though they are next to each other. Plus, there is this huge fence with barbed wire rounds (I wouldn't be surprised if it was an electric fence), right on the border, so, if the obvious physical differences weren't enough, you could tell where the border was. Everything was different once you cross the border. Even the richer Mexican cities look very poor by our standards. Many houses are in shambles, there are no fire departments, or any other form of government provided help for the people.
When we were driving through one of the cities, we saw a huge pillar of black smoke. As we got closer, we saw that it was a complex on the side of the road, fully engulfed in flame. And no one was doing anything about it. There were at least four families losing their homes, and all they could do was watch. That was a huge eye opener about how the government is in Mexico. They don't care about the people. At all.
Despite the bad things I saw driving into Mexico, there was something about Mexico that gave me a peace in my heart. I felt like I belonged there, which was a feeling I have never before experienced. It was truely amazing. And the more time I spent there, the more I felt at home. Like I was made to be there, reaching out to God's hurting children. Building houses, helping those who so desperately need help. I was very sad when our short week came to an end, but at the same time, I was grateful for everything God had shown me, and taught me.
When we were at our job site, working on building the house, or playing with the neighborhood kids in the street, I saw the people around me through God's eyes. I had no idea who most of them were, and there was a language barrier, because I speak only a little Spanish, and they spoke no English at all, but I loved each and every person I met, with a love I'd never experienced this strongly before. Before my trip, I asked that God would let me see this trip and the people I met on it through His eyes. And He did. I've come home full of God's love, and I don't intend to ever stop loving people with His love.
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