Changes

Change is all around us, and it's always happening. We change a little everyday, whether we realize it or not. Everything we do, and every choice we make changes us a little bit more. If you were to look at a photo of me from grades 8-12, you wouldn't think they were of the same person, I've changed so much. I've changed for the worse at times, and also for the better. In my English class, there are tons of posters on the walls, with various pictures and sayings. One of them caught my attention. It reads as follows:

I am me.

A declaration of self esteem.

In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me

Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine

Because I alone choose it -- I own everything about me

My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions

Whether they be to others or to myself -- I own all my fantasies

My dreams, my hopes, my fears --I own all my triumphs and

Successes, all my failures and mistakes, because I own all of me

I can become intimately aquainted with me -- By so doing

I can love meand be friendly with me in all my parts --I know

There are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other

Aspects I do not know -- But as long as I am

Friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously

And hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles

And for ways to find out more about me -- However I
look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever
I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically

Me -- If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought

And felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is

Unfitting, keeping the rest, and inventing something new for that

Which I discarded -- I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do

I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive

And to make sense and order out of the world of

People and things outside of me -- I own me, and therefore
I can engineer me -- I am me and

I am okay.

--Virginia Satir

Now, the past few months I've been having a lot of trouble with the changes happening in my life. It pretty much started with a hair cut. A hair cut I didn't want. You know when you go to the hair dresser's and they say they'll only cut off an inch, but they end up cutting off like 3 or 4 inches? It was one of those haircuts. I was not expecting it, and I hated it. It took me a while to get over it, but eventually I learned to like it. A few days later, my boyfriend (Now ex), of ten months broke up with me. That was hard because we hung out with the same people, but didn't want to be anywhere near each other. It's a big thing when you go from talking to someone everyday to not at all. Within a month of this, I went on the biggest, most life changing trip I've experienced so far.

Yes, I'm talking yet again about my trip to Mexico. That trip changed me in many ways that I never could have imagined before now, and I'm sure it will continue to change me until I've learned all I can from it, and have a new life changing experience. Now, at fist the changes were along the lines of trying not to judge people, and trying to love everyone I met with God's love.

However, now I've been home for about two months. At first, I felt like I was wasting my life at home when I knew I could be out in the world somewhere, making a difference in someone's life.

Looking back, I realize now that I needed to change my ways, before I'd be able to help anyone anymore. I used to never leave the house without wearing makeup, straightening my hair, and only wearing certain clothes. I was extremely self conscious about how I looked. I hung out with some good people, and some bad people. I let a lot of people just walk all over me. But after coming home from Mexico, and having the time to sit and think about all the things I had learned there, I slowly began to change. I used to want to cover myself in piercings and tattoos.

Now, I've learned to be happy with how I look. I don't dye my hair all the time, I don't wear makeup (It's really bad for your eyes anyway), I wear whatever I feel comfortable, and I just really don't care what other people think of me. I don't want anymore piercings, in fact, I've taken out most of my earrings, and I'm not sure I still want to get a tattoo. From learning to be comfortable with myself, I'm finding it a lot easier to open up to people, be more outgoing, and make new friends, which is something I've never been able to do easily before.

Before going to Mexico, I was so used to having a boyfriend, that I didn't look at guys as anything more than a friend. That helped me a lot, because when I was first in high school, I would wonder what it would be like to date different guys I knew. Weird, I know. Meeting guys who want to be my friend for the sake of being my friend, rather than for the sake of trying to get with me has also helped me a lot lately. One of the things, however, that has come up because of things like this, is the fact that I'm now unsure about whether or not it is okay for me to like a guy as more than a friend. All my friends tell me I like one of my guy friends, but I'm not sure if it's okay for me to. I've been having trouble with that lately. I'm still trying to figure this one out. I've been thinking this may be another change I need to make in my life. Maybe I need to be comfortable with having feelings for someone.

Life's little quirks, it's ups and downs can teach you a lot about things you may need to change in your life, but you have to be listening. I wasn't listening for the longest time, but I am now, and I'm changing for the better. A lot better =)