I've struggled for several years with a severe depression. I took anti-depressants for a while, but after about 6 months they stopped working, and I didn't want to take more than I already was. After some intense spiritual experiences, I was able to get a hold of my depression and beat it. Or so I thought. I've recently learned that depression never really goes away. It's always there, at least a little bit, whether it tries to pull you down or not.
I've had quite a lot of trouble with my depression since coming back from Mexico. There are so many people that I met in Mexico that I miss dearly, and I would love to see again. I also miss how un-secular the Base is. And how people aren't so shallow and judgemental, and how everyone is focussing on God. My town is very secular, and most of the teens spend their free time partying, getting wasted and high. Or spending every penny they have on useless material things. Going to Mexico changed the way I look at almost everything. It's a crazy thing, that I don't really know how to explain. I miss Mexico a lot.
I miss Mexico so much that I really don't want to be here, where I have lived my entire life. My brother doesn't help at all though. He's a year younger than me, but is quite verbally abusive towards me. It doesn't help that I already have many insecurities, and I lack self esteem, and still suffer from depression whenever I let my guard down. I've gotten away from my house every chance I get, to get a break from him, because I don't want to fall back into the depression I spent two and a half years in. I really don't want to go back. Last night, however reminded me that I am not alone, no matter what I go through.
Last night was our final youth meeting of the summer. Normal youth starts up again in September, shortly after we go back to school. We were going to play kickball, but the smoke from the near by forest fires forced us to stay inside for health reasons, so we had a game night, with everything from Dutch Blitz to Rockband and Risk. It was the most fun I've had since I got back from Mexico. I hadn't been having a very good day, so on the way, I stopped and picked up a Beaver Buzz, (Which is a Canadian made energy drink, if you didn't know). I had downed it within the first ten minutes of being at youth, and was ready to forget my problems with my brother, and have some fun. I'm usually the kind of person to sit and watch everyone play, and sometimes play the odd board game. But my friends got me playing on Rockband, which I haven't done in forever, but I did pretty good. Just before I left, while my mum was trying to get me to leave, they got me to sing on Rockband. Which I've never done before, because I am very self concious about my singing voice.
The fact that none of my friends care about the things I am insecure about reminded me that God doesn't care either. And when I do what He wants me to do, and ask for help when I need it, I am perfect in His eyes. And that God will pull me through every single trial I face in my life, no matter how big or how small it is. It was kind of a random place to be reminded of this, but it worked for me. God is working at tearing down walls that I built up many years ago, that I forgot still existed. But He knows they need to come down, and I am finally ready to see some of them fall. But they will only fall by God's hand. And only when He wills them to.
No comments:
Post a Comment