First Revelation of the New Year

The New Year generally brings New Year's resolutions, which most people manage to cling to for a month, maybe two before those resolutions are tucked into a box and forgotten about until the next year. I have never really been one for resolutions, although I do like the idea of having a new start with some things. I considered making a resolution or two this year: spending more time with God, less time goofing off, spending more time with those I care about, more time on my studies, and the like but now I am fairly content with the fact that I did not follow through with deciding on anything. I have come to realize that I can sit around and talk about changing things, talk about starting to try and live a better life, but if I just sit there, it won't do any good. Instead of looking at what I did not manage to do last year, I took a look at what I did do, and the many things I learned.

In the last year, I graduated high school, worked all summer and began my first year of Bible college, where I learned more in four months than in five years of high school, I'm sure. Maybe not more academically, but most certainly more about life, God, myself and others. I am not sure if I can say I have learned as much as my follow students, because most of the time I feel like they have learned much more than I have, but the things I have learned are not small by any measure, nor were they easy lessons. Facing life threatening health problems, family issues, roommate trouble, and a new relationship with a guy I spent most of the last semester feeling like I was just barely surviving life, struggling to breathe and hold my head above water. While at school and in the midst of everything, I could not see anything I had learned; I felt like a complete failure on every possible front in my life. I had neglected my best friend, was holding grudges against my roommate, not spending as much on my studies as I wanted to, trying to make sense of things I will probably never understand, and much more.

The last four months have been months of change. Graduating, moving out, starting college in a new province, learning to live with a roommate, learning that sometimes a relationship can be a good thing, that relationships don't always have to end at the first sign of trouble, and finding the discretion to figure out what in life is worth holding onto, and what's worth letting go have all played massive roles in my life. When I started college, I found many people telling me that my past was controlling me, and my life would not get much better unless I learned to overcome that. I did not at all believe that my past was controlling me, and I am still not convinced it has that much a hold on me. However, I have come to realize in the last month just how much of an impact the bruises and scars of my past affect my daily life, and the biggest, most important decisions I have made within the last few months.

When it comes to relationships, of any kind, I have a tendency to run at the first possible sign of trouble, to avoid the heartache and pain that comes with losing a loved one. As a result of this, some of the best friendships I have ever had are on the verge of destruction, as well as the first chance I have had at a healthy dating relationship. When I realized that many of the problems I was having were because of this, I knew in my heart that even though I was probably going to get hurt, this needed to change. It hasn't changed yet of course, these things take time, but I have seen some small changes take place, beginning the journey to recovery. If I were to go with the cliche and make a resolution this year, it would be to continue working on letting go of the past, the pain and the bruises, and to make sure I do not let the past hold me back from finding better things in life. God has shown me that He has placed some amazing people in my life for reasons, and I am not about to start doubting that.

Learning to Cope

I have been fighting with depression for years. It didn't get too bad until about five years ago, when I started high school. When my mum took me to the doctor to see if there was anything she could do about it, my doctor said she was not surprised that I was facing depression, as I had been showing signs of it since I was a kid. I was reflecting on this the other day, wondering how my life would be different if there had been something my doctor could have done at that point to end my depression. None of us knew how bad it was going to get.

One of my biggest struggles throughout my depression has been in my attempts to find a way to cope, and more recently, a healthy way to cope. I used to be addicted to self injury and attempted suicide. During that I was involved in a couple unhealthy relationships that involved emotional, and in one case, sexual abuse. This was not a way of coping, it only made my situation worse. The cutting was an attempt at coping, it became like a drug to me. I thought about alcohol and cigarettes the odd time, but never seriously considered it, as I had seen terrible effects of both. More recently I had a "friend" try to get me to start smoking for stress relief. I tried the occasional cigarette, and even though it calmed my head down I knew that if I continued it would become a problem, which would just be added to my pile of problems.

Since coming to Bible College, I have been trying to find a healthy way to cope with my depression and my rampant emotions, but to my disappointment, I have found nothing. In fact, I think I have discovered the complete opposite. I have come to realize, that for myself at least, coping is not the answer; it is not what I need. In my pain, I do not need something to turn to to help me through, but someone, and I already have that someone in my life. He just is not the first person that pops into my mind when I get depressed. In fact, as sad as it makes me to admit this, but God usually is not someone I think of turning to when I start to get depressed, but someone I turn to when I feel there is no one else, and nothing else that can help me.

With this realization, I started to wonder if I need to, rather than trying to find a way to cope, turn instead to God first, and rely on Him completely to carry me through my troubles. When I thought about this, it was blatantly obvious that this is exactly what I need to do. I wondered, and still wonder, why this has never occurred to me before. I feel as if this is something I should have seen years ago. Nonetheless, I am eternally grateful to God for showing me this, and for all the things He has carried me through, never leaving my side nor giving up on me along the way.

In the Image of God

Being raised is a Christian home and going to church most of my life, I have heard it said many times that we are made in the image of God. The Bible even says it, in Genesis 1:26, where God says, "Let us make man in our image..." The Bible also says, "I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." (Psalm 139:14). Even though I grew up memorizing these verses and hearing them all the time, I have never taken the time to consider what they truly mean, what they are actually saying. This kind of hit me this morning at church, as something the pastor said triggered something in my mind that I have been struggling with most of my life, and especially lately.

These are two verses I bring up a lot, especially when I am working with the junior high girls back home, as many of them have self esteem issues and cannot see that God made them beautiful. I have "preached", per se, on this topic many times. The thing that had been bothering me more and more lately is that I, however, do not see myself in this light. Although I know everything God has made is unique and wonderful, and that God loves everything He has created, I cannot see myself as beautiful, talented, of worth, et cetera. I know everything God has made has a purpose, every person on this earth is here for a reason, whether they believe in God or not, He will use their lives in some positive way.

This morning, after an especially hard week of struggling with "self doubt", as my friend calls it, hearing the pastor say "We are made in God's image," a question popped into my head. If I am made in God's image, and I tell myself I am not beautiful, that I am ugly, am I saying that God Himself is also ugly? If I, being made in His image, say I am worthless, am I also saying that God is worthless? I could go on down the list of things I end up telling myself on a regular basis, but there really is no use in that. My point is, if I am made in the image of God, and I see myself in a negative light, does that affect, if not completely distort, my view of God? Am I, in insulting myself, insulting the Almighty Creator of the universe?

I do not have the answers to these questions, but you can bet that I will be searching for these answers, and I will be trying to work in my own life, so that I may eventually come to see myself as God does, and as others here on Earth do. In my Spiritual Formation class, we were given an assignment to write down four or five "goals" for our spiritual growth this year. Being able to learn to see myself as God does is number one on my list, because I know the way I view myself and the way I constantly beat myself up is not good for me, and it has effected my faith at times, because I know I am not at all worthy of being used by God to fulfill His plans, and that makes me back away from opportunities God has placed in my life. I do not want my negative view of myself to get in the way of God using me and my life to see His will done here on earth. So, this is my prayer: That God will continue to be patient and merciful with me, as I seek to learn how to see myself through His eyes, so that I may know if my life have value, that I may know if I am beautiful. I also pray that everyone else out there who is facing the same, or a similar, problem will also have their eyes opened to see themselves as God, our Heaven Father and Glorious Creator sees them.

Why Am I Here?

Why am I here? This is a question I have often asked myself and I have found myself asking God. I have complete faith that God brings me to the place I need to be, but He does not always show me why I am where I am. Recently, there have been numerous things that have brought me to question this once again. I have been at Bible college now for almost two months, and in that time I have received many a phone call telling me of things that are going on at home. A great deal of these things are issues that I would be helping, or trying to help, if I were home, and being in a place where I am unable to go home and help makes things difficult for me at times. I am very much a person who wants to help, especially when it comes to my friends and family. Knowing that there is nothing I can do to help them hurts me sometimes, and lately has been adding to the strenuous amounts of stress that are already present in my life.

I talked about this with a girl in my program earlier this evening. It seems to both of us that as soon as we left home, things fell apart; every bad thing that could possibly happen, that was on the edge of happening, has happened, and there is nothing either of us can do to help. We both feel torn in this situation. My first instinct is to run home to the aide of those I've lived with for the past eighteen years, but in my heart I know that God brought me here for a reason, and I need to seek that reason above all else. I need to trust Him to take care of the messes at home, and to comfort my family and friends in times of trial. But I also need to rely on Him to take care of me, to keep me from becoming overwhelmed with the stresses of life and the desire to help those I cannot help.

I know in time He will reveal His purposes for bringing me here, and I know that all will work out in the end, regardless of what needs to happen in the mean time. However, I also know that these things are happening in the fashion they are to stretch me and to see me grow. It's time I step away from certain things, and assist in the only way I can; I can be with those back home in prayer and in thought, but aside from that, I am here to do His will. Whether I know directly what that is, or whether I need to follow my heart, checking every so often if I'm walking where He wants me to walk, I do not know as of yet. But I trust that in time, I will know. I do not as of yet know why any of this is happening, but I have found comfort in knowing that there is a purpose behind this all, and that I am not alone in any of this.

The "Good" Christian

In one of my classes this past week, we've been discussing apologetics, and it's purpose. Yesterday I had to write a paper on the importance of apologetics in our society. This was an interesting process for me, and before coming to Bible college, I hadn't heard much, if anything really, about apologetics. Now before I get too into this, I'm going to explain my understanding of apologetics, because I sat through two lectures before finally asking someone what it was. Apologetics is simply the defense of faith, particularly the Christian faith. Now, in my experience with this, many unbelievers question the purpose of apologetics because, if God is as powerful and all mighty as Christians claim, why would He need the defense of mere humans?

I believe we need to defend Christianity, because we, as humans, screw up and have, on occasion, given God a bad reputation. I've personal experience with this, even recent personal experience. As I said in my last blog, my ex has started talking to me the last few days, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I do want to help him, but I'm unsure of how to go about doing so. I am one of those people who will try so hard to help someone, who usually is beyond their help, that I make myself sick over it. I'm not intentionally like this, but this tends to be how it happens. Well, a few of my friends from college noticed I was starting to get stressed out, I wasn't as smiley, and I was in more of a downer mood in general, so they confronted me about it. I told them I was kind of struggling with how to help this guy, and they decided to take matters into their own hands. Now, these friends are all very nice people, pretty solid Christians, but when it comes to defending their friends, they can get a little nasty. And that's exactly what happened. I don't intend to go into detail with this, but my ex said some pretty nasty and hurtful things in response. The thing that got me the most, however, was him saying, "If that's how Christians treat each other, I'm losing faith in Christianity."

I can take a hit against myself just fine, but go after my beliefs, friends or family, and there's where it starts to bother me. When he said that, I realized just how much the actions of my friends contradicted what we are currently being taught in class. When defending the Christian faith, as it reads in 1 Peter 3:15, "But in your hearts honour Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect." My understanding of this is when we go to defend our faith, we need to do so in a gentle manner, while respecting the person we are addressing. On top of that, I believe we ought to be living our lives in such a manner that mirrors Christ and His love for humanity. Basically, my thoughts today have been those of regret in regards to witnessing the way my friends spoke to my ex. My ex has had a lot of trouble with his walk in faith, and having Christians who are attending Bible college be so blatantly disrespectful and rude is basically a slap in the face in this scenario.

In the moment, my friends weren't thinking of the possible consequences their actions could have, nor were they thinking of how negatively their words could impact one's view of Christ. I find it interesting how we don't tend to think of these things, when these things are what pushes people to that "make-it-or-break it" place in their decision of whether or not to follow Christ. I mean, if that's what Christians are really like; if that's how they treat each other, and other people, what's the good in being a Christian? Why put faith in something that seems so corrupt? Do you see what I mean? I'm not at all bashing Christianity; I'm a follower of Christ. I'm trying to portray my thoughts on how others may view us and our Lord because of our words and actions. I apologize if I'm being repetitive, or if I'm not making a whole lot of sense, I was up most of the night praying for guidance in how to handle this situation, because I'm really at my wit's end here. I apologized to my ex, because I know that what was said was wrong, and that if it distorted his view of God in any way, than an apology needed to be made. I knew my friends weren't about to apologize, because in their eyes, they were defending me, so I took the step to explain to him that what was said was wrong, and I asked that he not judge Christians based on the way my friends treated him.

If you're reading this, and it makes sense to you and you can relate, I hope that you will take into consideration your words and actions, and those of around you. I hope that you'll also take to heart 1 Peter 3:15, and take a gentle, respectful approach to defending Christianity. Aside from taking a respectful approach to the defense of the Gospel, I pray that you'll take a gentle and respectful approach to people in general, especially ones that are sitting on the proverbial fence post of Christianity. Take caution in the words you use, let Christ's unfailing love shine through all you say and do.

Not Superhuman

I've noticed in my life that I tend to be one of those people who tries to save everyone from destroying themselves. I usually fail, too. I suppose this is because I know in my heart that I can't save these people, I can't change them, even if I want to change them for the better. This has been something I've had a hard time with for a long time, and I'm again finding myself not knowing how to deal with this reality. This came up most recently a few days ago, when my ex decided to start texting me about his problems with his current girlfriend, who used to be one of my closest friends.

I never know how to handle things like this, especially when it comes to him. I like to help people, and especially people that have been a part of my life. And whether I like it or not, he was a big part of my life for a year and a half. The fact that we have "history" together, that I used to care so much about him, makes me want to help him better himself. But I know I can't do that. It actually makes me sick sometimes, because I stress so much over things I cannot possibly change. I was starting to let him get to me again, when a friend noticed, and even though it was hard, I'm very grateful that he did notice, otherwise I'd still probably be trying to talk some sense into someone who doesn't truly listen to a word I say. I've had to have friends intervene in situations where I was trying to help people before, and at least a few of those times involved this guy. The biggest issue is when I try to help someone, I don't notice whether or not my efforts are affecting myself, and this time it was affecting me negatively in quite a significant way.

It's times like these when I find I need to take a step back and remind myself that I can't change a person. Only God can. And it's not my job to change a person, it's my job to plant a seed, one which God will tend to and care for. As hard as it is for me to let go, I hate feeling like I'm giving up on someone, there's only so much I can do, and the rest is up to God. And God doesn't work on my time. He works on His time. It may take years for this person to realize the effects of what they've said these last few days. I don't even know if they'll ever come to realize it, but I hope God will continue to work in his life until he does realize the effects of his words and actions, and that one day he'll find the strength in God to want to change for the better. I can help people when God wants me to help people, and I can help those He shows me how to help, but there are people and there will be people, that I cannot help. These are the people I need to lift up to Him. I can encourage these people so long as it doesn't cause damage to myself, but God is the one who works miracles in their lives, not me. I'm not superhuman. I can only do what God wills me to do.

Weaving the Tapestry

The beginning of September usually marks the beginning of a new school year, which tends to be a big deal when you're attending elementary or high school. But what happens after you've finished with those? Well, like many of my fellow high school graduates, I've moved on to attending college. I've been at my college for about two and a half weeks now, and I love it here. The people are amazing, the courses are interesting, and both present questions and views I have never thought of before. Coming here, one of the main questions I've been asked in these last two and a half weeks is, "What brought you here? Why Prairie?"

Well, I've given the point blank answer of, "Well, God brought me here," but people aren't satisfied with that. They want to know who showed me the school, why I chose the program I did, and why this Bible college over others. First things first I guess, I'm here because my best friend showed me a program he thought, or should I say "knew", I'd love. He encouraged me to apply for it, and later, when I was having doubts as to whether or not this was the place God was calling me to, he still encouraged me. I chose a one year intercultural studies program for a few different reasons. 1. I'm not entirely sure what God's got planned for the rest of my life, and I wasn't ready to commit to a four year degree that I wasn't sure I really wanted to do. 2. Intercultural studies fascinates me. I love travelling, and learning about other peoples. 3. It's a Missions' based program, and I have the opportunity to go on a two month Missions' trip to Guatemala. 4. It incorporates Spanish. I love the Spanish language, and Latin American cultures.

I don't think I chose this school, or this program, it found me, and it chose me. I am truly blessed for the year of opportunity that lies ahead of me.

This may explain the outward reasons why I'm here, but it doesn't answer my questions of why I'm here. I don't know what my purpose is, what I'm going to get out of this, where it'll take me, or even if I'll continue on in this field of study. But, if there's something I have learned in the past few weeks, it's that I do have a purpose here, even if I don't know what it is. God's got reasons for bringing every person on this campus here. We may not know how it all fits together, but God does, and that's what matters. He'll show us in due time.

The closest thing to an answer of my questions as to why I'm here lies within a simple statement I've heard twice since I arrived on campus. I'm not sure who said it the first time, but tonight the father of our host family said it, and it made me realize just how import each person here truly is to our community as students, and as Christians. Threads are weak; they snap easily, they can't take a lot of pressure, and there isn't a whole lot of uses for individual pieces of thread. But, if you take these threads, and weave them together, intertwining them with each other, you can create a beautiful, strong tapestry that tells a life changing story. By ourselves, we are weak, we break, we fall down. But together, we can support each other, lift each other up, help each other out. We've all got different skills, and our combined skills work together to make a rich, lively community, full of diversity and love.

I don't know if you'll see this the same way I do, but I believe I'm here to be a part of this tapestry. I've got a story to tell, and so do you, as does everyone surrounding us. If we work together, forming family and fellowship, we can be made into a tapestry of ageless beauty and strength, providing God be at the center of it. God has placed me here, with the people I'm with, to weave our lives together in a tapestry that paints His story, and brings Him the honour and glory due to Him.

That One Little Thing

Well, here I am. I've survived Orientation weekend at Bible College, running on very low amounts of sleep, lots of caffeine, and a lot of random information being thrown into my lap. It actually not as bad as I thought it would be, but I'm sure that may change once classes actually start. I may need to actually start sleeping at some point. But than again, God can keep me going without that much sleep if He needs to.

There are a few things I've noticed already about Bible College. Number one would probably be that the things I had been most concerned about before coming here were definitely the things I needed to worry about the least. One of the biggest things I was nervous about was whether or not my roommate and I would get along. In all honestly, I was convinced she was going to hate me. When I first arrived at College, I climbed the stairs to the fifth floor to find my room, and when I reached the top, I met my new roommate. There was that awkward "Well.. we're going to be living together for the next year and I know absolutely nothing about you.." moment, but the awkwardness was put to rest when I turned around and said "Oh my lanta." It turns out she says that too. It was an "insta-bond" moment. As it turns out, we have a lot more in common than either of us had imagined.

With that stress off my back, my next biggest worry was what the people in my program were going to think of me. We're pretty like family and it's only been two days. And I don't mean your typical dysfunctional family that secretly hates each other, I mean like hardcore, "you're all my brothers and sisters in Christ, it feels like we've known each other for a long time and I love you all to pieces" type family. I guess the only other thing I was really worried about after that was what the classes were going to be like, but I start classes tomorrow, so I have yet to find that out, and I'm not even worried about it at all now.

I have, however, found that I am having difficultly with something I didn't foresee as a problem. It's just that one little thing that's preventing everything from being unrealistically perfect. But I suppose there needs to be something like that, because life is not at all perfect. I'm just praying that God will show me His will in this, that I won't screw things up by being an idiot and opening my mouth to soon or by just being my loser self in general. (I laugh as I write this, just so you know. I think I'm a loser. But I'm definitely all right with it) I guess this is a lesson in patience, in waiting for the right time to say certain things, waiting for God's time. It is, indeed, a lesson I need to learn. And I'm open to that.

I just don't like that fact that I don't feel like this one little thing is something I can tell my best friend. Because I tell him everything. But I can't tell him this. At least not now. But maybe one day. Maybe soon; maybe in a couple months; maybe at the end of the school year. I am hoping that I will be able to tell him, one day, at least. But for now, I'm waiting for God's go-ahead, and once I have that, that one little thing won't be bothering me anymore.

Finding Me

Who am I? Why am I here? Is there really a purpose for my life, or am I just here for other's entertainment? Is there something I'm supposed to do with my life? Is there a mark I am supposed to leave on this world? If I try, if I take a leap of faith, will I fall? Will there be anyone there to catch me when I do fall?

I can't tell you how many times I've pondered these questions. I've had many people tell me that God has great things in store for my life, that I'll make a difference in people's lives, that I'm going great places. However, I've never really found comfort in any of their words. I'm not sure I truely believe I'll go places, that I'll be able to follow my heart and do what I truely want to do. I'm not sure I'll impact anyone at all within my lifetime, I'm terrified that when my time comes, and I leave this world behind, people will forget me, I will disappear.

I think that I think these things because I believe I'm a nobody. Not that I have anything against myself, I don't really, I just don't think I'm anyone special, or that I could do great things that people will remember me by. I've had people tell me that they think the things I do are great, and there are other people who don't at all understand the things I do or why I do them. I don't see any of what I've done as great, and that may never change, because that's become very much a part of who I am.

A few months ago, a friend told me she thinks I hide behind a facade of humbleness, that I preach and preach, that I act humble, and that I hide my mistakes from people and that I hide the fact that inside I'm broken; I've crumbled to pieces. I was extremely offended by this, because I'm really quite open with people, when the time is right, and I don't see myself as humble, I just don't see my life to be as valuable as that of others. (Please don't take that statement the wrong way, I'm not some manically depressed teenager, I just have no self esteem and I'm prefectly all right with that.) The fact that this was how one of my closest friends saw me hurt, it hurt a lot. I don't even think she knows, to be honest.

However, her saying this made me wonder how other people see me, and why they see what they do. It also made me wonder if anyone saw the real me, the whole thing, rather than just bits and pieces. It also made me wonder if I even knew what the real me is like. I'm sure I've caught glimspes, there've definitely been times where I've let down all my barriers and let people in, but very few people have been let all the way in, and of those who have, I only still talk with one or two. I'm not even sure if my friends and family know the real me anymore. I don't even think I know who I am.

I used to think I knew who I was. I acted like I knew exactly who I was, where I was going, who my friends were, and all that. Now I've no clue about any of it. I can tell you that in four days I start my first year of college. That's about all I know about my life. A few months ago I couldn't wait to leave this town and go to college, but since than, I've managed to find so many reasons to stay. But I know in my heart that it's time for moving on. If I don't get out of here now, even if it's only for a year, I'll never get out of here, I'll never have the chance to see who I'll become. I'm scared out of my wits. I have no idea what lies ahead, I have no idea who will still be a part of my life in six months, in a year. I have no idea what's going to happen in the next year, or where it will take me.

I've honestly never been so terrified in my life. And that's exactly what I am. Terrified. I've walked away from everything I thought I was, everything I thought I knew this summer, and I'm about to walk away from even more. Although, this time, I think this is God's doing, not mine. In my last post, I talked about how I felt like God was calling me to step out of the boat and walk with Him on the water. I believe now that I was feeling Him calling to me, but not in the way I thought He was. He's shown me many things this summer, and as much as I can try to deny it and run away, I know in my heart that He's in control and He's got a plan, even if I can't see it and even if I try to walk away from Him.

In three days I am moving from the town I've lived in my whole life, eighteen years, to a different province, quite far away from friends and family. I know only one person who's attending the same school, and my relationship with him has been a rollercoaster ride in itself. I think that even though I struggle with not knowing who I am, I know that it really doesn't matter who I am in the end, it matters Who's I am. Will I give my life back to Christ and let Him lead me where I need to be? Or will I allow myself to get caught up in the ways of this world? I do hope and pray that God never lets me go. That He'll aways, always guide me back, that He'll never let go of me hand. I may not know who I am, but I've got the rest of my days on Earth to figure that out. Maybe I'll figure it out tomorrow, maybe I won't know until the day I meet Jesus face to face. We'll see how things go I suppose. I'll keep you posted on my journey to finding me.

The Changes Ahead

When you graduate high school, the one thing that people talk about the most is probably the changes that lay ahead of you. You've suddenly got to decide what you're going to do with the rest of your life, and you've got so much more responsibility than you've ever had before. It's quite an interesting feeling when you finally realize you're done with high school, and it's time to move on. I spent the weeks leading up to grad thinking, "Wow, I'm almost done high school!", but it didn't actually hit me until after we had all received our diplomas, and after sitting uncomfortably for two and a half hours, when they said "We now present to you the Grad class of 2011!!". We all jumped out of our seats and flung our caps in the air. I spun around to face my cousin and friend who were sitting behind me, and flung my arms around them in ecstasy, practically screaming "We're done! We're finally done!!"

In the following week, I suddenly realized just what that meant. I had spent most of my life, the last thirteen years, in school. And now I got to choose what I was going to do. Whether I went back to school, or got a job was up to me. Where and how I was going to live was up to me. They tell you that high school is designed to prepare you for the "Real World". I'm not so sure this works as well as they think it does, because my first though upon realizing that they had thrust me out into the real world was, "Oh snap. What now..?" I felt so completely unprepared for the realization that I'd be moving in six short weeks, to another province to go to college, in a town where I didn't know anyone. And with that realization hitting me on top of all the stress that's been going on in my life, I felt so completely lost that I didn't know what to think.

I've lived in the same little town all my life. The people I hang out with, I've known for several years, even though I'm not terribly good friends with most of them. But it's all familiar. And I'm comfortable with that. I'm not comfortable with all the thoughts that com with the realization that it's time to move on to new things, that it's time for change. My life is about to be turned upside down, I'm sure. I'm going to be sharing a dorm room, I'm going to be put outside of my comfort zone, and I'm going to be forced to make new friends, while keeping in contact with my old friends. I'm going to be stretched to my limits, my world is probably going to be rocked.

Now, I'm going to tell you how I feel about this. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with the Bible story in which Jesus' disciple Peter, tells Jesus to tell him to come to Him, walking on water. It's a fairly well known story, even to those who are religious, but if you haven't heard it, I encourage you to read it, whether you believe in God or not. It can be found in Matthew 14:22-33. Now, I feel very much like how I imagine Peter felt in this story. I feel like I'm standing in a lifeboat, with people all around me demanding that I prove my worth, my value, and Jesus is walking towards me on the water, telling me that I don't have to prove anything, that other people's opinions of me really mean nothing. I feel like He's holding out Hid hands, waiting for me to find the faith to take His hand, and take that first step out on the water. Now, I do hope that when I take this step of faith, that I won't lose faith like Peter did, and become intimidated by the waves surrounding me, causing me to cry out in panic as I start sinking from lack of faith.

This may or may not make sense to any of you out there, but I've found comfort in my faith in Jesus that no matter what happens, or where life takes me, that things will work out in the end. Because they always do. There are ups and downs along the way, and I'll get bumped and bruised. I'll fall down at times too, but I've got friends that God's given me to help me up, and help me along my path. There are huge changes ahead of me, some close, some still quite far off. Some of them I'm sure I'll be ready for, others I know I won't. But sometimes things need to change, even if it's hard. We all need to grow, so we can eventually become the person we're meant to become. And I think change, as hard as it is, plays a huge role in forming who we are.

The band Silverline says in their song All Consuming Love, "The time for moving on is now; time to make amends; time for youthful sins to die; it's time I learn to stand."

And with that as a final thought, I leave you tonight, to ponder what changes may need to occur in your life, what you may need to walk away from or towards, and when you're time to stand finally comes.

Love always,

IvylynnFaith

Finding the Right Path

Have you ever wondered where your path in life is going to take you? Where you're supposed to go, what you're supposed to do with your life? I'm sure you've heard the saying, "Life is a journey." But if life's a journey, how do you know which path you're supposed to take? And will you be able to stick to the right path once you've figured it out? Or will you even choose the right path at all?

I was always one of those kids who had some idea of what they wanted to be when they grew up. When I was in kindergarten, I wanted to be a paleontologist. Most kindergartens can't even say that word. As I got older, my ideas of what I wanted to do with my life changed. One day I wanted to be a teacher, the next I wanted to be a radio DJ. At one point, I wanted to work a minimum wage job in a small town, and then the next moment, I was dreaming of becoming a fashion designer in a big city. So, to say my ideas and dreams were varied, is a slight understatement.

When I reached high school, I suddenly had no idea what I wanted to do. I still had ideas kicking around in my head, but nothing really stood out to me, nothing seemed like what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Part of me wanted to be a writer, another part wanted to be an artist. (I'm creative, yes, but artistic...? Not so much.) High school was when people really started paying attention to how I answered the question, "What are you going to do when you're all grown up?" But, high school was when I didn't know what I wanted to do, and more importantly, what God wanted me to do.

I supposed I figured out what I was meant to do this last summer, and I'll explain what I mean by "meant to do". I was thinking about possibly becoming a youth pastor, which is a bit odd to some people, as I'm a girl. But that's what I was thinking about. I wanted to be able to help people, especially teens. I'd experienced a lot of different and hard things throughout high school, and I wanted to do my best to make sure nobody else went through those same things. But there are so many different ways in which one can help others, and I hadn't even realized some of the options.

The thing I probably write about the most is my missions trip to Mexico summer of 2010. And that would be because it changed me drastically, and the things I learned there still affect me today, and I hope they continue to affect me for the rest of my days here on Earth. I learned a lot in Mexico, about people, about myself and about God. Perhaps one of my biggest discoveries was finding God's path for me. After spending a couple days in Mexico, I didn't want to leave. I felt like God had made a special place in my heart just for Mexico and the people I met there. When I got home (I got to my church just as the Sunday service ended), people were making jokes about when I was going to go back, and I surprised many of them by saying I`d hop on a bus right then and there if I had the money to go back.

God made me different, like Veggie Tales say, God made me special, just as He makes all of us. He makes us all to do different jobs. And the thing He made me to do isn't something that`s widely understood by a lot of people. It`s supported by a fair group, but not truly understood. God made my heart a Missionary's heart. All I want to do is help God's people. I want to love them how He loves them. God gave me the heart and will to go out into the world and do His will.

I will be going to college this August, to do a one year missions-based program, where I'll be doing one semester of book work, and then one semester of working in bible camps and going on a two and a half month missions trip to Guatemala. I couldn't imagine a more perfect college program for me. In fact, when I read the overview of the program before applying, I cried because it felt like God had made this program specifically for me. I don't know how I'm going to pay for college, or if I'll even be able to qualify for student loans (complicated stuff, I tell you), but I know that God will provide me with everything I need to follow His path for my life. I'm also hoping to return to Mexico for six weeks this June, but I have to rely on God to provide me with the funds to do that as well.

I don't know where God's going to bring me after that, but I trust Him fully. I know that He knows what He's doing. I just have to follow the right path, the one He's laid out for me.

Searching

Everywhere I look lately, I see people who seem to be searching for something. A lot of these people seem to know what they're searching for, or at least they act like they know what they're looking for. I don't know about everyone, but some of the people I know who seem to be searching for something don't seem to be looking in the right places. Or at least that's how it seems to me.

My school is very secular, and my town is a "party-hardy" type town, where about half, maybe more, of the teenage population goes out and parties until they vomit every weekend. They do this because there's nothing to do, or they need to forget their problems, or because it's the "cool" thing to do. It really breaks my heart to see this happening. Some of these teens are looking for something to fill an empty feeling inside of them. I've heard them say that. Hearing them say that, but knowing they don't know Christ breaks my heart even more than the fact that they drink because they don't think they have anything better to do.

I've gotten a chance to talk about God with a few of my friends from school, and even though they act like they don't want to hear what I say, there are moments when I see genuine interest in their eyes. I see the same look in the eyes of the younger girls who attend the girls bible study I lead with some friends, and at the girls night events I host. I don't understand why it seems so obvious to me what they are searching for, but they don't seem to know what it is. I find it even harder to understand when it feels like they know what they're looking for, but they're in complete denial of it and act like they don't want anything to do with God. I guess this is one of those things that we'll come across many times in our lives as Christians, and we need to rely on God for guidance.

I pray that the people who are out there searching for answers, for God, that they wouldn't give up and they'd open their hearts and their minds to anything God may be trying to show them or say to them. I want God to use me as a light for these people, if that's what they need. I pray that God will give me the right words to say to reach these people, and that He will give me the courage to talk to them. I pray that everyone who is out there searching will have someone in their life who can help them learn about God. I believe that the only way they'll be able to fill the emptiness inside is by filling it with God, His love, and His Holy Spirit.

When Life Gets To You

I'm sure we've all had those days where it just seems like the whole world is crashing down on our shoulders, and it feels like nothing is ever going to work out, even though you know it eventually will. You feel stuck, trapped, alone and confused. You don't know how to deal with things, which way to go, or even who to talk about it to. Well, my last month has been like that.

I've been sick, stressed, confused and not sleeping. I had a bunch of little problems in my life that I didn't want to deal with when they came up, because I was "too busy". Well, when you've got 5 weeks to put on a play, and that's memorize lines, make costumes, build the set, and not kill anyone in the process, it can get pretty chaotic. I was in the senior play at my school, which ended two days ago. Our theatre teacher who chose the play randomly disappeared, and we have no idea what happened to her. She left us at the worst possible time, and it did not seem like our play was going to get done. But, a substitute teacher jumped in, 5 weeks before the performance date, and saved us. She worked hard with us to get the set built, to make costumes, and to make sure every one of us got our lines and cues down. It was nothing short of a miracle that this play went as well as it did. I hadn't paid attention to it before hand, but looking back at it now, I can say that God helped us with our play. He sent Miss Desbiens to help us get done what we needed to get done, and He helped us get along with each other.

There are a lot of very different people in my theatre class, and most of us have very different beliefs, but we didn't argue about them. Sure, the topic of beliefs was brought up, but we just stated what we believed in and moved on, partly because no one wanted to start an arguement and partly because our play was so crunched on time. Looking back, I did have some interesting conversations with a few of the well known athiests in my class, which I just thought of as casual conversation, but my friends pointed out that it was, in a way, witnessing.

Now my chance to witness to some of the most stubborn athiests I know astounded some of my friends. I've one friend who gets in a religious debate with these girls at least every other day. She was amazed that I had gotten a chance to talk to these girls without starting WW3. I went home from school that day thinking about it. Sure, I had managed to witness to these girls a little bit, but that was not my intention at all when I was talking to them. With the first girl, I was merely telling her about the World Vision Christmas Gift Catalogue and how cool I thought it was that just a little bit of money could go so far in a foreign country. The second girl had asked me if I hated gays because I'm religious. Well, she put it as a statement, rather than a question. I simply told her I don't agree with homosexuality, but that doesn't mean I hate gays. I've had friends who are gay, and I still stand up for them the same way I do for my straight friends. We talked a little more about that and she was quite surprised about what I had to say. But I never thought of how that could be witnessing, until I had a few friends point it out. To me, I was just talking.

The worst part of the last couple weeks was the fact that I was starting to get sick just before opening night for my play. That's a big stress when there's no one who can take your place. I pushed myself to get out of bed each morning and go to school so I could go to play practice or work at lunch, and then more practice after school, until 5-6 pm. Having stress at home, and at school, and trying not to get sick on top of that is not very fun. I over worked myself with theis play, and I'm paying for it now. I've gotten pretty sick and it sucks, but I can tell you that missing my play would've been worse. The other thing that's been bothering me is I've picked up some habits at school that I'd rather not have. You see, my theatre class has some very mouthy people in it. I started swearing at school, which made me feel miserable about myself, because I want people to see me as a Christian, not somebody who claims to be a Christian but acts just like everyone else at school. I stopped reading my devotions because I was exhausted by the time I got home, and I wasn't praying as much as I normally do. This hurt me more than I could see at the time. I see it now, though. I was having a hard time with almost everything in my life, and the reason why I was having such trouble is I wasn't giving it all to God. I was trying to do it all on my own. And I can't do that.

I spent some extra time praying and reading my bible yesterday, and then listening to praise music as I cleaned up my bedroom, and it helped me get back on my feet. I had to be reminded that God is still with me, whether I can feel Him or not, He never leaves me. All I have to do is ask for His help, and He'll help me. It may not be how I want Him to help me, it may not be when I want Him to help me, but He will help me. I've still got some things I've got to sort out, but I know I'm not on my own. I've got friends who want to help me, and I've got God who wants to help me. So when life gets to you, just remember, you're never in it alone. God is always there

Thanksgiving

It's been a while since the last time I posted anything, but I have been pretty busy with school, family, and trying to earn money to go backto Mexico, as well as running a girls bible study for my youth group girls. My thoughts now are, of course, focussed on this holiday of Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving. I mean, you get great food, family and friends. What could be better? But I do know that that is not the point of Thanksgiving. Most of us have heard enough about the origins of Thanksgiving to know thatit was started by the pilgrims in the US however many years ago. They stop teaching you that in school after about the third grade, so I don't recall all the details. There's a poem that someone showed my that truely sums up the real meaning of Thanksgiving, and it kind of makes you see things differently.

I am thankful for...
...the taxes I pay...
...because it means I'm employed.
...the clothes that fit a little too snug...
...because it means I have enough to eat.
...my shadow who watches me work...
...because it means I am out in the sunshine.
...a lawn that need mowing, windows that need cleaning...
...and gutters that need fixing...
...because it means I have a home.
...the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot...
...because it means I am capable of walking.
...my huge heating bill...
...because it meansI am warm.
...all the complaining I hear about our government...
...because it means we have freedom of speech.
...the lady behind me in church who sings off key...
...because it means that I can hear.
...the piles of laundry and ironing...
...because it means my loved ones are nearby.
...the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours...
...because it means I'm alive.
...weariness and aching muscles at the end of day...
...because it means I have been productive.

The art of thanksliving. It is gratitude in action. It is thanking God for the gift of life by living it triumphantly. It is thanking God for your talents and abilities by accepting them as obligations to be invested for the common good. It is thanking God for all that men and women have done for you by doing things for others. It is thanking God for beauty by helping to make the world more beautiful. It is thanking God for inspiration by trying to be an inspiration to others.

I don't know who wrote this, but it puts things in such a simple and clear way, that you just can't ignore the truth of it. It blows my mind, knowing how much I have to be thankful for. Sure, my life hasn't been easy, and I don't get to go out and buy whatever I want like my friends, but I have been blessed far beyond anything I deserve. My life could be a dream come true to many children in this world. This Thanksgiving, I am going to thank everyone I know, my friends and family, for just being a part of my life, because whether I like them or not, or whether I see it or not, they are a part of my life for a reason. And God doesn't start things that won't work out. I'm going to thank everyone who has made a difference in my life. It may take me a while, but I will. I have a lot of family to thank, and a group of friends too. But above all of them, the person I need to thank the most is God. And I shouldn't only give Him thanks on Thanksgiving. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving all!

Love always <3

To Write Love on Her Arms

I've been hearing for the past few years about To Write Love on Her Arms, as I've seen kids at my school show their support, and I've even seen bands in concerts where tee shirts with it plastered across their chests. I didn't really know what it was though. Once I looked into what it was, I gave it my complete support. To Write Love on Her Arms is a non profit movement that is dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. They work to encourage, inform, inspire and to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

Now, a lot of people support organizations like this because they think it's a good idea, but I support this cause because I know how the peoplw who they help feel. Looking back on my life so far, I've struggled with depression for a long time. I started showing signs of depression at a very young age, and by the time I hit high school, depression hit me as hard as it possibly could. At first, it just seemed like I was sad all the time for no reason. After I while I started thinking about what it would be like if I just disappeared. I starting cutting myself my first year of high school. It was my way of venting my anger, frustration and hurt. I didn't see the point in hurting others, so I hurt myself. I didn't want to hurt others. But other people hurt me on a daily basis, whether it was verbal or physical. I figured I must have been doing something wrong. My cutting started out as a form of venting and punishing myself.

It didn't stay as that for long. I didn't realize it at the time, but I developed an addiction to self harm. By the end of grade eight, I don't think a day went by when I didn't cut myself. I had some friends who would check my wrists everyday for new cuts. So I started cutting around my ankles. They made me feel ashamed for what I was doing, so I hid it. My family had no idea what was going on in my life, but they rarely did. My mom found out about my cutting twice in the almost three years where I cut myself on almost a daily basis. And she thinks it only happened those two times. She didn't do anything but get mad at me when she found out.

My cutting got to the point where I felt like I needed it to get through the day. I can't explain it in a way that wouldn't make me sound insane to anyone who hasn't dealt first hand with addiction. I remember talking with one of my teachers about it one day. He was my best friend through my depression, and my councellor. He helped me out a lot. His wife had been watching a program on suicide on night, and got him to watch it with her because she was worried about me, and he knew more about my situation than most people did. According to this program, there are seven steps in which one takes before taking their life. He told me the next day that he had seen me in various stages, and had seen me as close to one step away from actually taking my life. This kind of freaked me out. I mean, I'd attempted suicide many times, but after I failed, I never really thought I'd be able to do it. I still tried though. The choking game, cutting deeper, thinking about jumping off a bridge, taking too many pills.

I would've taken that last step had I not found support in my friends. I got so close a few times, that it terrifies me. I would've missed out on so much. After I decided to stop cutting, (Which took several tries before I was successful), I went for more than a year without cutting, or even thinking of cutting. I've relasped a few times, but I've managed to overcome my addiction. Sometimes when I get depressed, I start thinking that I want it, but than I remind myself of how far I've come, and all the people who worked so hard to support me that I'd be letting down.

I guess my point is, without people supporting them, very few people would be able to overcome their addictions. I know this from experience. I've struggled with addiction, and had no one to help me. And then I found friends who wanted to help me, and I am only alive because of them. Movements like To Write Love on Her Arms are essential if we really want to help those who are hurt, lost, broken and struggling for their lives. If you haven't heard of TWLOHA, I would reccommend that you look up their website.
http://www.twloha.com/vision/

Changes

Change is all around us, and it's always happening. We change a little everyday, whether we realize it or not. Everything we do, and every choice we make changes us a little bit more. If you were to look at a photo of me from grades 8-12, you wouldn't think they were of the same person, I've changed so much. I've changed for the worse at times, and also for the better. In my English class, there are tons of posters on the walls, with various pictures and sayings. One of them caught my attention. It reads as follows:

I am me.

A declaration of self esteem.

In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me

Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine

Because I alone choose it -- I own everything about me

My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions

Whether they be to others or to myself -- I own all my fantasies

My dreams, my hopes, my fears --I own all my triumphs and

Successes, all my failures and mistakes, because I own all of me

I can become intimately aquainted with me -- By so doing

I can love meand be friendly with me in all my parts --I know

There are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other

Aspects I do not know -- But as long as I am

Friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously

And hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles

And for ways to find out more about me -- However I
look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever
I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically

Me -- If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought

And felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is

Unfitting, keeping the rest, and inventing something new for that

Which I discarded -- I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do

I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive

And to make sense and order out of the world of

People and things outside of me -- I own me, and therefore
I can engineer me -- I am me and

I am okay.

--Virginia Satir

Now, the past few months I've been having a lot of trouble with the changes happening in my life. It pretty much started with a hair cut. A hair cut I didn't want. You know when you go to the hair dresser's and they say they'll only cut off an inch, but they end up cutting off like 3 or 4 inches? It was one of those haircuts. I was not expecting it, and I hated it. It took me a while to get over it, but eventually I learned to like it. A few days later, my boyfriend (Now ex), of ten months broke up with me. That was hard because we hung out with the same people, but didn't want to be anywhere near each other. It's a big thing when you go from talking to someone everyday to not at all. Within a month of this, I went on the biggest, most life changing trip I've experienced so far.

Yes, I'm talking yet again about my trip to Mexico. That trip changed me in many ways that I never could have imagined before now, and I'm sure it will continue to change me until I've learned all I can from it, and have a new life changing experience. Now, at fist the changes were along the lines of trying not to judge people, and trying to love everyone I met with God's love.

However, now I've been home for about two months. At first, I felt like I was wasting my life at home when I knew I could be out in the world somewhere, making a difference in someone's life.

Looking back, I realize now that I needed to change my ways, before I'd be able to help anyone anymore. I used to never leave the house without wearing makeup, straightening my hair, and only wearing certain clothes. I was extremely self conscious about how I looked. I hung out with some good people, and some bad people. I let a lot of people just walk all over me. But after coming home from Mexico, and having the time to sit and think about all the things I had learned there, I slowly began to change. I used to want to cover myself in piercings and tattoos.

Now, I've learned to be happy with how I look. I don't dye my hair all the time, I don't wear makeup (It's really bad for your eyes anyway), I wear whatever I feel comfortable, and I just really don't care what other people think of me. I don't want anymore piercings, in fact, I've taken out most of my earrings, and I'm not sure I still want to get a tattoo. From learning to be comfortable with myself, I'm finding it a lot easier to open up to people, be more outgoing, and make new friends, which is something I've never been able to do easily before.

Before going to Mexico, I was so used to having a boyfriend, that I didn't look at guys as anything more than a friend. That helped me a lot, because when I was first in high school, I would wonder what it would be like to date different guys I knew. Weird, I know. Meeting guys who want to be my friend for the sake of being my friend, rather than for the sake of trying to get with me has also helped me a lot lately. One of the things, however, that has come up because of things like this, is the fact that I'm now unsure about whether or not it is okay for me to like a guy as more than a friend. All my friends tell me I like one of my guy friends, but I'm not sure if it's okay for me to. I've been having trouble with that lately. I'm still trying to figure this one out. I've been thinking this may be another change I need to make in my life. Maybe I need to be comfortable with having feelings for someone.

Life's little quirks, it's ups and downs can teach you a lot about things you may need to change in your life, but you have to be listening. I wasn't listening for the longest time, but I am now, and I'm changing for the better. A lot better =)

Walls

When I entered high school, putting up walls to protect myself seemed to be the thing to do. I didn't know many people, and I didn't really fit in with my friends. I was the black sheep of the group, please excuse the cliche. I had a rough childhood. I was bullied a lot, and pushed around. I had been abused in a few different ways. I didn't trust very many people, and it took a while for someone to earn my trust. In order to avoid more abuse when I entered high school, I put up many walls around myself. No body got throught them. Some people think they didn't, but they really didn't.

Those walls worked for me for a while, but after a time it seemed that I was only making things worse for me. I had no real friends, and I needed someone. Because of this I fell into a bad depression, where I suffered for a long time, and struggled with the addiction of self harm. I've been clean from self harm for about a year now, but it doesn't make it any easier sometimes. Lately, with the stress of going back to school, and dealing with my monster of a brother, I've found old feelings are resurfacing. I've begun to think how I used to, and I don't know how to change it. I feel like I'm hanging off the edge of a cliff, but there's no one around to help me.

Most of my friends and family have no idea that this is going on. Heck, most of my family didn't see it the first time it was happening. They knew I was depressed, but they figured it was just teenage angst. I suppose for a time it could've been. But not the whole time. During the darkest part of my depression, I was possessed by a demon. Not like in the movies, where someone would talk in a creepy voice and bend over backwards, or spin their head around. But there was something evil controlling my, because I had let it into my life. Somehow, whether it be through the cutting, the insecurity, or something else, this thing managed to find its way through my maze of walls. I struggled with this things for probably a year. It was miserable. I had made some new friends, and they, along with some of my older friends, managed to help me get rid of the thing.

For the first time in my life, I felt free, like I didn't need the walls. But that didn't last long. Once school started up again, and life got back into its "normal" routine, the walls went right up again. And I've been struggling to knock them down ever since. Not many people have met the real me, and most of who have, haven't met the real me the first time they've met me. Most people have just seen the mask, and not the girl behind the mask. At this particular moment in time, I think there only may be one person who has seen beyond the mask in recent months, but sometimes I wonder if they really see me at all.

I managed to take down my walls for about a week this summer, but soon after that, they started to go back up. I feel like I'm trapped in a prison I built around myself, and there's no way out. These walls that started out as such a good idea have just screwed me over in the end. I'm still working on pulling them down, but it seems like everytime I get one down, another goes up, and it's out of my control.

Pondering...

Today I got the chance to spend some time with a friend I haven't seen all summer. I enjoyed it a lot. We had lunch together, and then walked around town and talked for almost three hours. We both went in different directions at the beginning of summer, her focus being bible camp and my focus being my trip to Mexico. Since then we've both been pondering many ideas we've had in the past. I found it interesting that we had both thoguh about the same things and come to the same conclusions even though we hadn't spoken to each other in two months.

One of the things I've had problems with since returning to Canada was the way people dress here. Normally it isn't a terrible thing, but after going to a country that is extremely conscious about how much skin their ladies show, and coming home to find girls walking around town in bikini tops and short shorts, or other scanty outfits, really makes one think. The conclusion I've come to is, if I wouldn't wear it in Mexico, what makes it okay for me to wear it here? Wearing revealing clothing will still do the same things to the boys here as it would there. The only difference is it's culturally exceptable here.

I am an ambitious girl who loves to dream big. One of my older dreams was to become a clothing designer and design clothing that was stylish and modest. Modest clothing isn't always easy to come by when you want something that you actually like. I mean, I love lounging around in my man jeans and a tee, but sometimes I feel like making myself look more like a lady. It's just how girls are made. I had abandoned this dream, because my father told me it wasn't practical and other people thought it was stupid. Talking with my friend today, she told me she had the same ideas, yet had also abandoned them. Her boyfriend spent the summer telling her that maybe she should go for it.

After talking with my friend about the various other ideas we'd had over the last few years and abandoned, we both started to wonder. Were they really worth abandoning? Or were we on to something? Who knows. Until we figure it all out, we'll be relying on God to direct our paths. That's all I have time for tonight.

Christian Denominations... ???

Denominations have always confused me, and seemed quite pointless to me. I mean, if we're all Christian, and we all believe that God sent His son, Jesus Christ, to die for our sins, and that Christ rose again three days after His crucifiction, what's the point in dividing ourselves? Why should we put more labels into the world? Especially if they don't need to be there? I've attended a Baptist- Fellowship church all my life, but if you asked me to define a baptist church, I wouldn't be able to go much farther than saying Christians. I've attended other churches on occasion, and have regularily attended youth groups at churches of otehr denominations, but I still don't understand the differences, or the point.

Now, I don't know a lot about the technicalities of the denominations, but I know there are differences. From what I've heard, however, these differences seem meaningless to me. I've read that some denoms don't allow their people to outwardly worship God in ways like dance, loud singing, etc. Some don't believe you should eat certain foods, some believe you should only dress a certain way, and so on. My main problem with denoms is not the rules or restrictions they place on people. It is the fact that we are dividing ourselves from each other.

I'm writing about this today, because of a passage I came across while reading my bible. 1 Corinthians 10:17 reads as follows:

"I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose. For some members of Chloe's household have told me about your quarrels, my dear brothers and sisters, Some of you are saying, "I am a follower of Paul." Others are saying, "I follow Apollos," or "I follow Peter," or "I only follow Christ." Has Christ been divided into fractions? Was I, Paul, crucified for you? Were any of you baptized in the name of Paul? Of course not! I thank God that I did not baptize any of you except Crispus and Gaius, for now no one can say they were baptized in my name. (Oh yes, I also baptized the household of Stephanas, but I don't remember baptizing anyone else.) For Christ didn't send me to baptize, but to praech the Good News - and not with clever speech, for fear that the cross of Christ would lose its power."

Now, I don't know how you interpret this. But when I read this passage, the first part in particular, I start wondering if denominations are really such a good thing. They put up walls between believers, and separate friends. I don't think it's that great to give this world more labels to put on people. I personally think labels suck. I guess what I'm trying to say is, should our denomination really matter? Should we place extra labels on ourselves, or just call ourselves believers of Christ? Should Christians be Baptist Christians, Adventist, Alliance, etc. Or, if we all believe in the same thing, shouldn't we just be Christians?

Diving Into the Past

As I was searching my room for my guitar tuner (Which I still haven't found... ), I found the old notebook I wrote in during grade nine. It was given to my then best friend, for my fourteenth birthday, and I always carried it with me. I wrote letters to people, drew and doodled in it all the time. I always had it with me to capture my thoughts. I decided to sit down and flip through it, seen as I couldn't remember what all was in it. I came across many things that completely shocked me, and one thing that caught me eye. This is a free verse poem I wrote when I was fourteen, and going through a severe depression.

She
She struggles to hold on.
She fights to stay alive.
She has to force herself to eat.
She hates how she looks.
She hates herself.
She can't sleep,
Because he haunts her dreams.
She has to hide her true emotions from the world.
She believes she has no talents,
And she's worthless.
She fights to breathe,
To not let go and give up.
She tries to ignore everything they say about her.
She tries to hide the pain.
She feels invisible.
She feels anger, hatred, regret.
She suffers from her own doings,
As well as those of others.
She wishes she could disappear.
She tries to not let it get to her,
Overwhelm her,
Suffocate her.
She gasps for air.
She grasps for acceptance.
She deals with this her own way.
Don't hate her for who she is.
She lives in all of us.

I barely remember writing this. But I can tell you that at the time I kept this notebook, I was losing friends left, right and center. I was being abandoned by everyone i had come to trust. I had made some big mistakes, but my "friends" couldn't look past my wrong doings. All I wanted was someone to forgive, to love me, to tell me it would all be alright. I find it kind of funny that all the people I thought were my friends left me when I needed friends the most. But, that happens in life. At that time, I was a complete loner, because none of my friends could even look at me, they were so mad at me and disappointed in me. No one else wanted to befriend the "Loner Emo" kid. I was on my own, to try to figure life out. None of my family knew what was going on, aside from my friends all ditching me. They still don't know most of what happened, but as far as I'm concerned, it's the past.

God has given me the forgiveness and love that I need, and I see Him telling me that it will be alright everyday. God has blessed me with friends who won't leave me now when I mess up, and they stand beside me when I need them. God pulled me out of the darkest days of my life. And He can do the same for you. All you have to do is ask.

At the time I wrote this poem, I never thought I'd live to be sixteen. I thought that if I didn't do myself in, the pain I was feeling or my mistakes would. But God pulled me through. Looking back, the only reason I felt hopeless, was because I wasn't looking in the right place for hope, love, and comfort. I was trying to find those things here on earth, in people, rather than in the Eternal Father, Almighty God.