Finding Me

Who am I? Why am I here? Is there really a purpose for my life, or am I just here for other's entertainment? Is there something I'm supposed to do with my life? Is there a mark I am supposed to leave on this world? If I try, if I take a leap of faith, will I fall? Will there be anyone there to catch me when I do fall?

I can't tell you how many times I've pondered these questions. I've had many people tell me that God has great things in store for my life, that I'll make a difference in people's lives, that I'm going great places. However, I've never really found comfort in any of their words. I'm not sure I truely believe I'll go places, that I'll be able to follow my heart and do what I truely want to do. I'm not sure I'll impact anyone at all within my lifetime, I'm terrified that when my time comes, and I leave this world behind, people will forget me, I will disappear.

I think that I think these things because I believe I'm a nobody. Not that I have anything against myself, I don't really, I just don't think I'm anyone special, or that I could do great things that people will remember me by. I've had people tell me that they think the things I do are great, and there are other people who don't at all understand the things I do or why I do them. I don't see any of what I've done as great, and that may never change, because that's become very much a part of who I am.

A few months ago, a friend told me she thinks I hide behind a facade of humbleness, that I preach and preach, that I act humble, and that I hide my mistakes from people and that I hide the fact that inside I'm broken; I've crumbled to pieces. I was extremely offended by this, because I'm really quite open with people, when the time is right, and I don't see myself as humble, I just don't see my life to be as valuable as that of others. (Please don't take that statement the wrong way, I'm not some manically depressed teenager, I just have no self esteem and I'm prefectly all right with that.) The fact that this was how one of my closest friends saw me hurt, it hurt a lot. I don't even think she knows, to be honest.

However, her saying this made me wonder how other people see me, and why they see what they do. It also made me wonder if anyone saw the real me, the whole thing, rather than just bits and pieces. It also made me wonder if I even knew what the real me is like. I'm sure I've caught glimspes, there've definitely been times where I've let down all my barriers and let people in, but very few people have been let all the way in, and of those who have, I only still talk with one or two. I'm not even sure if my friends and family know the real me anymore. I don't even think I know who I am.

I used to think I knew who I was. I acted like I knew exactly who I was, where I was going, who my friends were, and all that. Now I've no clue about any of it. I can tell you that in four days I start my first year of college. That's about all I know about my life. A few months ago I couldn't wait to leave this town and go to college, but since than, I've managed to find so many reasons to stay. But I know in my heart that it's time for moving on. If I don't get out of here now, even if it's only for a year, I'll never get out of here, I'll never have the chance to see who I'll become. I'm scared out of my wits. I have no idea what lies ahead, I have no idea who will still be a part of my life in six months, in a year. I have no idea what's going to happen in the next year, or where it will take me.

I've honestly never been so terrified in my life. And that's exactly what I am. Terrified. I've walked away from everything I thought I was, everything I thought I knew this summer, and I'm about to walk away from even more. Although, this time, I think this is God's doing, not mine. In my last post, I talked about how I felt like God was calling me to step out of the boat and walk with Him on the water. I believe now that I was feeling Him calling to me, but not in the way I thought He was. He's shown me many things this summer, and as much as I can try to deny it and run away, I know in my heart that He's in control and He's got a plan, even if I can't see it and even if I try to walk away from Him.

In three days I am moving from the town I've lived in my whole life, eighteen years, to a different province, quite far away from friends and family. I know only one person who's attending the same school, and my relationship with him has been a rollercoaster ride in itself. I think that even though I struggle with not knowing who I am, I know that it really doesn't matter who I am in the end, it matters Who's I am. Will I give my life back to Christ and let Him lead me where I need to be? Or will I allow myself to get caught up in the ways of this world? I do hope and pray that God never lets me go. That He'll aways, always guide me back, that He'll never let go of me hand. I may not know who I am, but I've got the rest of my days on Earth to figure that out. Maybe I'll figure it out tomorrow, maybe I won't know until the day I meet Jesus face to face. We'll see how things go I suppose. I'll keep you posted on my journey to finding me.