Searching

Everywhere I look lately, I see people who seem to be searching for something. A lot of these people seem to know what they're searching for, or at least they act like they know what they're looking for. I don't know about everyone, but some of the people I know who seem to be searching for something don't seem to be looking in the right places. Or at least that's how it seems to me.

My school is very secular, and my town is a "party-hardy" type town, where about half, maybe more, of the teenage population goes out and parties until they vomit every weekend. They do this because there's nothing to do, or they need to forget their problems, or because it's the "cool" thing to do. It really breaks my heart to see this happening. Some of these teens are looking for something to fill an empty feeling inside of them. I've heard them say that. Hearing them say that, but knowing they don't know Christ breaks my heart even more than the fact that they drink because they don't think they have anything better to do.

I've gotten a chance to talk about God with a few of my friends from school, and even though they act like they don't want to hear what I say, there are moments when I see genuine interest in their eyes. I see the same look in the eyes of the younger girls who attend the girls bible study I lead with some friends, and at the girls night events I host. I don't understand why it seems so obvious to me what they are searching for, but they don't seem to know what it is. I find it even harder to understand when it feels like they know what they're looking for, but they're in complete denial of it and act like they don't want anything to do with God. I guess this is one of those things that we'll come across many times in our lives as Christians, and we need to rely on God for guidance.

I pray that the people who are out there searching for answers, for God, that they wouldn't give up and they'd open their hearts and their minds to anything God may be trying to show them or say to them. I want God to use me as a light for these people, if that's what they need. I pray that God will give me the right words to say to reach these people, and that He will give me the courage to talk to them. I pray that everyone who is out there searching will have someone in their life who can help them learn about God. I believe that the only way they'll be able to fill the emptiness inside is by filling it with God, His love, and His Holy Spirit.

When Life Gets To You

I'm sure we've all had those days where it just seems like the whole world is crashing down on our shoulders, and it feels like nothing is ever going to work out, even though you know it eventually will. You feel stuck, trapped, alone and confused. You don't know how to deal with things, which way to go, or even who to talk about it to. Well, my last month has been like that.

I've been sick, stressed, confused and not sleeping. I had a bunch of little problems in my life that I didn't want to deal with when they came up, because I was "too busy". Well, when you've got 5 weeks to put on a play, and that's memorize lines, make costumes, build the set, and not kill anyone in the process, it can get pretty chaotic. I was in the senior play at my school, which ended two days ago. Our theatre teacher who chose the play randomly disappeared, and we have no idea what happened to her. She left us at the worst possible time, and it did not seem like our play was going to get done. But, a substitute teacher jumped in, 5 weeks before the performance date, and saved us. She worked hard with us to get the set built, to make costumes, and to make sure every one of us got our lines and cues down. It was nothing short of a miracle that this play went as well as it did. I hadn't paid attention to it before hand, but looking back at it now, I can say that God helped us with our play. He sent Miss Desbiens to help us get done what we needed to get done, and He helped us get along with each other.

There are a lot of very different people in my theatre class, and most of us have very different beliefs, but we didn't argue about them. Sure, the topic of beliefs was brought up, but we just stated what we believed in and moved on, partly because no one wanted to start an arguement and partly because our play was so crunched on time. Looking back, I did have some interesting conversations with a few of the well known athiests in my class, which I just thought of as casual conversation, but my friends pointed out that it was, in a way, witnessing.

Now my chance to witness to some of the most stubborn athiests I know astounded some of my friends. I've one friend who gets in a religious debate with these girls at least every other day. She was amazed that I had gotten a chance to talk to these girls without starting WW3. I went home from school that day thinking about it. Sure, I had managed to witness to these girls a little bit, but that was not my intention at all when I was talking to them. With the first girl, I was merely telling her about the World Vision Christmas Gift Catalogue and how cool I thought it was that just a little bit of money could go so far in a foreign country. The second girl had asked me if I hated gays because I'm religious. Well, she put it as a statement, rather than a question. I simply told her I don't agree with homosexuality, but that doesn't mean I hate gays. I've had friends who are gay, and I still stand up for them the same way I do for my straight friends. We talked a little more about that and she was quite surprised about what I had to say. But I never thought of how that could be witnessing, until I had a few friends point it out. To me, I was just talking.

The worst part of the last couple weeks was the fact that I was starting to get sick just before opening night for my play. That's a big stress when there's no one who can take your place. I pushed myself to get out of bed each morning and go to school so I could go to play practice or work at lunch, and then more practice after school, until 5-6 pm. Having stress at home, and at school, and trying not to get sick on top of that is not very fun. I over worked myself with theis play, and I'm paying for it now. I've gotten pretty sick and it sucks, but I can tell you that missing my play would've been worse. The other thing that's been bothering me is I've picked up some habits at school that I'd rather not have. You see, my theatre class has some very mouthy people in it. I started swearing at school, which made me feel miserable about myself, because I want people to see me as a Christian, not somebody who claims to be a Christian but acts just like everyone else at school. I stopped reading my devotions because I was exhausted by the time I got home, and I wasn't praying as much as I normally do. This hurt me more than I could see at the time. I see it now, though. I was having a hard time with almost everything in my life, and the reason why I was having such trouble is I wasn't giving it all to God. I was trying to do it all on my own. And I can't do that.

I spent some extra time praying and reading my bible yesterday, and then listening to praise music as I cleaned up my bedroom, and it helped me get back on my feet. I had to be reminded that God is still with me, whether I can feel Him or not, He never leaves me. All I have to do is ask for His help, and He'll help me. It may not be how I want Him to help me, it may not be when I want Him to help me, but He will help me. I've still got some things I've got to sort out, but I know I'm not on my own. I've got friends who want to help me, and I've got God who wants to help me. So when life gets to you, just remember, you're never in it alone. God is always there

Thanksgiving

It's been a while since the last time I posted anything, but I have been pretty busy with school, family, and trying to earn money to go backto Mexico, as well as running a girls bible study for my youth group girls. My thoughts now are, of course, focussed on this holiday of Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving. I mean, you get great food, family and friends. What could be better? But I do know that that is not the point of Thanksgiving. Most of us have heard enough about the origins of Thanksgiving to know thatit was started by the pilgrims in the US however many years ago. They stop teaching you that in school after about the third grade, so I don't recall all the details. There's a poem that someone showed my that truely sums up the real meaning of Thanksgiving, and it kind of makes you see things differently.

I am thankful for...
...the taxes I pay...
...because it means I'm employed.
...the clothes that fit a little too snug...
...because it means I have enough to eat.
...my shadow who watches me work...
...because it means I am out in the sunshine.
...a lawn that need mowing, windows that need cleaning...
...and gutters that need fixing...
...because it means I have a home.
...the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot...
...because it means I am capable of walking.
...my huge heating bill...
...because it meansI am warm.
...all the complaining I hear about our government...
...because it means we have freedom of speech.
...the lady behind me in church who sings off key...
...because it means that I can hear.
...the piles of laundry and ironing...
...because it means my loved ones are nearby.
...the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours...
...because it means I'm alive.
...weariness and aching muscles at the end of day...
...because it means I have been productive.

The art of thanksliving. It is gratitude in action. It is thanking God for the gift of life by living it triumphantly. It is thanking God for your talents and abilities by accepting them as obligations to be invested for the common good. It is thanking God for all that men and women have done for you by doing things for others. It is thanking God for beauty by helping to make the world more beautiful. It is thanking God for inspiration by trying to be an inspiration to others.

I don't know who wrote this, but it puts things in such a simple and clear way, that you just can't ignore the truth of it. It blows my mind, knowing how much I have to be thankful for. Sure, my life hasn't been easy, and I don't get to go out and buy whatever I want like my friends, but I have been blessed far beyond anything I deserve. My life could be a dream come true to many children in this world. This Thanksgiving, I am going to thank everyone I know, my friends and family, for just being a part of my life, because whether I like them or not, or whether I see it or not, they are a part of my life for a reason. And God doesn't start things that won't work out. I'm going to thank everyone who has made a difference in my life. It may take me a while, but I will. I have a lot of family to thank, and a group of friends too. But above all of them, the person I need to thank the most is God. And I shouldn't only give Him thanks on Thanksgiving. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving all!

Love always <3

To Write Love on Her Arms

I've been hearing for the past few years about To Write Love on Her Arms, as I've seen kids at my school show their support, and I've even seen bands in concerts where tee shirts with it plastered across their chests. I didn't really know what it was though. Once I looked into what it was, I gave it my complete support. To Write Love on Her Arms is a non profit movement that is dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. They work to encourage, inform, inspire and to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

Now, a lot of people support organizations like this because they think it's a good idea, but I support this cause because I know how the peoplw who they help feel. Looking back on my life so far, I've struggled with depression for a long time. I started showing signs of depression at a very young age, and by the time I hit high school, depression hit me as hard as it possibly could. At first, it just seemed like I was sad all the time for no reason. After I while I started thinking about what it would be like if I just disappeared. I starting cutting myself my first year of high school. It was my way of venting my anger, frustration and hurt. I didn't see the point in hurting others, so I hurt myself. I didn't want to hurt others. But other people hurt me on a daily basis, whether it was verbal or physical. I figured I must have been doing something wrong. My cutting started out as a form of venting and punishing myself.

It didn't stay as that for long. I didn't realize it at the time, but I developed an addiction to self harm. By the end of grade eight, I don't think a day went by when I didn't cut myself. I had some friends who would check my wrists everyday for new cuts. So I started cutting around my ankles. They made me feel ashamed for what I was doing, so I hid it. My family had no idea what was going on in my life, but they rarely did. My mom found out about my cutting twice in the almost three years where I cut myself on almost a daily basis. And she thinks it only happened those two times. She didn't do anything but get mad at me when she found out.

My cutting got to the point where I felt like I needed it to get through the day. I can't explain it in a way that wouldn't make me sound insane to anyone who hasn't dealt first hand with addiction. I remember talking with one of my teachers about it one day. He was my best friend through my depression, and my councellor. He helped me out a lot. His wife had been watching a program on suicide on night, and got him to watch it with her because she was worried about me, and he knew more about my situation than most people did. According to this program, there are seven steps in which one takes before taking their life. He told me the next day that he had seen me in various stages, and had seen me as close to one step away from actually taking my life. This kind of freaked me out. I mean, I'd attempted suicide many times, but after I failed, I never really thought I'd be able to do it. I still tried though. The choking game, cutting deeper, thinking about jumping off a bridge, taking too many pills.

I would've taken that last step had I not found support in my friends. I got so close a few times, that it terrifies me. I would've missed out on so much. After I decided to stop cutting, (Which took several tries before I was successful), I went for more than a year without cutting, or even thinking of cutting. I've relasped a few times, but I've managed to overcome my addiction. Sometimes when I get depressed, I start thinking that I want it, but than I remind myself of how far I've come, and all the people who worked so hard to support me that I'd be letting down.

I guess my point is, without people supporting them, very few people would be able to overcome their addictions. I know this from experience. I've struggled with addiction, and had no one to help me. And then I found friends who wanted to help me, and I am only alive because of them. Movements like To Write Love on Her Arms are essential if we really want to help those who are hurt, lost, broken and struggling for their lives. If you haven't heard of TWLOHA, I would reccommend that you look up their website.
http://www.twloha.com/vision/

Changes

Change is all around us, and it's always happening. We change a little everyday, whether we realize it or not. Everything we do, and every choice we make changes us a little bit more. If you were to look at a photo of me from grades 8-12, you wouldn't think they were of the same person, I've changed so much. I've changed for the worse at times, and also for the better. In my English class, there are tons of posters on the walls, with various pictures and sayings. One of them caught my attention. It reads as follows:

I am me.

A declaration of self esteem.

In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me

Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine

Because I alone choose it -- I own everything about me

My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions

Whether they be to others or to myself -- I own all my fantasies

My dreams, my hopes, my fears --I own all my triumphs and

Successes, all my failures and mistakes, because I own all of me

I can become intimately aquainted with me -- By so doing

I can love meand be friendly with me in all my parts --I know

There are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other

Aspects I do not know -- But as long as I am

Friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously

And hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles

And for ways to find out more about me -- However I
look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever
I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically

Me -- If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought

And felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is

Unfitting, keeping the rest, and inventing something new for that

Which I discarded -- I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do

I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive

And to make sense and order out of the world of

People and things outside of me -- I own me, and therefore
I can engineer me -- I am me and

I am okay.

--Virginia Satir

Now, the past few months I've been having a lot of trouble with the changes happening in my life. It pretty much started with a hair cut. A hair cut I didn't want. You know when you go to the hair dresser's and they say they'll only cut off an inch, but they end up cutting off like 3 or 4 inches? It was one of those haircuts. I was not expecting it, and I hated it. It took me a while to get over it, but eventually I learned to like it. A few days later, my boyfriend (Now ex), of ten months broke up with me. That was hard because we hung out with the same people, but didn't want to be anywhere near each other. It's a big thing when you go from talking to someone everyday to not at all. Within a month of this, I went on the biggest, most life changing trip I've experienced so far.

Yes, I'm talking yet again about my trip to Mexico. That trip changed me in many ways that I never could have imagined before now, and I'm sure it will continue to change me until I've learned all I can from it, and have a new life changing experience. Now, at fist the changes were along the lines of trying not to judge people, and trying to love everyone I met with God's love.

However, now I've been home for about two months. At first, I felt like I was wasting my life at home when I knew I could be out in the world somewhere, making a difference in someone's life.

Looking back, I realize now that I needed to change my ways, before I'd be able to help anyone anymore. I used to never leave the house without wearing makeup, straightening my hair, and only wearing certain clothes. I was extremely self conscious about how I looked. I hung out with some good people, and some bad people. I let a lot of people just walk all over me. But after coming home from Mexico, and having the time to sit and think about all the things I had learned there, I slowly began to change. I used to want to cover myself in piercings and tattoos.

Now, I've learned to be happy with how I look. I don't dye my hair all the time, I don't wear makeup (It's really bad for your eyes anyway), I wear whatever I feel comfortable, and I just really don't care what other people think of me. I don't want anymore piercings, in fact, I've taken out most of my earrings, and I'm not sure I still want to get a tattoo. From learning to be comfortable with myself, I'm finding it a lot easier to open up to people, be more outgoing, and make new friends, which is something I've never been able to do easily before.

Before going to Mexico, I was so used to having a boyfriend, that I didn't look at guys as anything more than a friend. That helped me a lot, because when I was first in high school, I would wonder what it would be like to date different guys I knew. Weird, I know. Meeting guys who want to be my friend for the sake of being my friend, rather than for the sake of trying to get with me has also helped me a lot lately. One of the things, however, that has come up because of things like this, is the fact that I'm now unsure about whether or not it is okay for me to like a guy as more than a friend. All my friends tell me I like one of my guy friends, but I'm not sure if it's okay for me to. I've been having trouble with that lately. I'm still trying to figure this one out. I've been thinking this may be another change I need to make in my life. Maybe I need to be comfortable with having feelings for someone.

Life's little quirks, it's ups and downs can teach you a lot about things you may need to change in your life, but you have to be listening. I wasn't listening for the longest time, but I am now, and I'm changing for the better. A lot better =)

Walls

When I entered high school, putting up walls to protect myself seemed to be the thing to do. I didn't know many people, and I didn't really fit in with my friends. I was the black sheep of the group, please excuse the cliche. I had a rough childhood. I was bullied a lot, and pushed around. I had been abused in a few different ways. I didn't trust very many people, and it took a while for someone to earn my trust. In order to avoid more abuse when I entered high school, I put up many walls around myself. No body got throught them. Some people think they didn't, but they really didn't.

Those walls worked for me for a while, but after a time it seemed that I was only making things worse for me. I had no real friends, and I needed someone. Because of this I fell into a bad depression, where I suffered for a long time, and struggled with the addiction of self harm. I've been clean from self harm for about a year now, but it doesn't make it any easier sometimes. Lately, with the stress of going back to school, and dealing with my monster of a brother, I've found old feelings are resurfacing. I've begun to think how I used to, and I don't know how to change it. I feel like I'm hanging off the edge of a cliff, but there's no one around to help me.

Most of my friends and family have no idea that this is going on. Heck, most of my family didn't see it the first time it was happening. They knew I was depressed, but they figured it was just teenage angst. I suppose for a time it could've been. But not the whole time. During the darkest part of my depression, I was possessed by a demon. Not like in the movies, where someone would talk in a creepy voice and bend over backwards, or spin their head around. But there was something evil controlling my, because I had let it into my life. Somehow, whether it be through the cutting, the insecurity, or something else, this thing managed to find its way through my maze of walls. I struggled with this things for probably a year. It was miserable. I had made some new friends, and they, along with some of my older friends, managed to help me get rid of the thing.

For the first time in my life, I felt free, like I didn't need the walls. But that didn't last long. Once school started up again, and life got back into its "normal" routine, the walls went right up again. And I've been struggling to knock them down ever since. Not many people have met the real me, and most of who have, haven't met the real me the first time they've met me. Most people have just seen the mask, and not the girl behind the mask. At this particular moment in time, I think there only may be one person who has seen beyond the mask in recent months, but sometimes I wonder if they really see me at all.

I managed to take down my walls for about a week this summer, but soon after that, they started to go back up. I feel like I'm trapped in a prison I built around myself, and there's no way out. These walls that started out as such a good idea have just screwed me over in the end. I'm still working on pulling them down, but it seems like everytime I get one down, another goes up, and it's out of my control.

Pondering...

Today I got the chance to spend some time with a friend I haven't seen all summer. I enjoyed it a lot. We had lunch together, and then walked around town and talked for almost three hours. We both went in different directions at the beginning of summer, her focus being bible camp and my focus being my trip to Mexico. Since then we've both been pondering many ideas we've had in the past. I found it interesting that we had both thoguh about the same things and come to the same conclusions even though we hadn't spoken to each other in two months.

One of the things I've had problems with since returning to Canada was the way people dress here. Normally it isn't a terrible thing, but after going to a country that is extremely conscious about how much skin their ladies show, and coming home to find girls walking around town in bikini tops and short shorts, or other scanty outfits, really makes one think. The conclusion I've come to is, if I wouldn't wear it in Mexico, what makes it okay for me to wear it here? Wearing revealing clothing will still do the same things to the boys here as it would there. The only difference is it's culturally exceptable here.

I am an ambitious girl who loves to dream big. One of my older dreams was to become a clothing designer and design clothing that was stylish and modest. Modest clothing isn't always easy to come by when you want something that you actually like. I mean, I love lounging around in my man jeans and a tee, but sometimes I feel like making myself look more like a lady. It's just how girls are made. I had abandoned this dream, because my father told me it wasn't practical and other people thought it was stupid. Talking with my friend today, she told me she had the same ideas, yet had also abandoned them. Her boyfriend spent the summer telling her that maybe she should go for it.

After talking with my friend about the various other ideas we'd had over the last few years and abandoned, we both started to wonder. Were they really worth abandoning? Or were we on to something? Who knows. Until we figure it all out, we'll be relying on God to direct our paths. That's all I have time for tonight.