Diving Into the Past

As I was searching my room for my guitar tuner (Which I still haven't found... ), I found the old notebook I wrote in during grade nine. It was given to my then best friend, for my fourteenth birthday, and I always carried it with me. I wrote letters to people, drew and doodled in it all the time. I always had it with me to capture my thoughts. I decided to sit down and flip through it, seen as I couldn't remember what all was in it. I came across many things that completely shocked me, and one thing that caught me eye. This is a free verse poem I wrote when I was fourteen, and going through a severe depression.

She
She struggles to hold on.
She fights to stay alive.
She has to force herself to eat.
She hates how she looks.
She hates herself.
She can't sleep,
Because he haunts her dreams.
She has to hide her true emotions from the world.
She believes she has no talents,
And she's worthless.
She fights to breathe,
To not let go and give up.
She tries to ignore everything they say about her.
She tries to hide the pain.
She feels invisible.
She feels anger, hatred, regret.
She suffers from her own doings,
As well as those of others.
She wishes she could disappear.
She tries to not let it get to her,
Overwhelm her,
Suffocate her.
She gasps for air.
She grasps for acceptance.
She deals with this her own way.
Don't hate her for who she is.
She lives in all of us.

I barely remember writing this. But I can tell you that at the time I kept this notebook, I was losing friends left, right and center. I was being abandoned by everyone i had come to trust. I had made some big mistakes, but my "friends" couldn't look past my wrong doings. All I wanted was someone to forgive, to love me, to tell me it would all be alright. I find it kind of funny that all the people I thought were my friends left me when I needed friends the most. But, that happens in life. At that time, I was a complete loner, because none of my friends could even look at me, they were so mad at me and disappointed in me. No one else wanted to befriend the "Loner Emo" kid. I was on my own, to try to figure life out. None of my family knew what was going on, aside from my friends all ditching me. They still don't know most of what happened, but as far as I'm concerned, it's the past.

God has given me the forgiveness and love that I need, and I see Him telling me that it will be alright everyday. God has blessed me with friends who won't leave me now when I mess up, and they stand beside me when I need them. God pulled me out of the darkest days of my life. And He can do the same for you. All you have to do is ask.

At the time I wrote this poem, I never thought I'd live to be sixteen. I thought that if I didn't do myself in, the pain I was feeling or my mistakes would. But God pulled me through. Looking back, the only reason I felt hopeless, was because I wasn't looking in the right place for hope, love, and comfort. I was trying to find those things here on earth, in people, rather than in the Eternal Father, Almighty God.