That One Little Thing

Well, here I am. I've survived Orientation weekend at Bible College, running on very low amounts of sleep, lots of caffeine, and a lot of random information being thrown into my lap. It actually not as bad as I thought it would be, but I'm sure that may change once classes actually start. I may need to actually start sleeping at some point. But than again, God can keep me going without that much sleep if He needs to.

There are a few things I've noticed already about Bible College. Number one would probably be that the things I had been most concerned about before coming here were definitely the things I needed to worry about the least. One of the biggest things I was nervous about was whether or not my roommate and I would get along. In all honestly, I was convinced she was going to hate me. When I first arrived at College, I climbed the stairs to the fifth floor to find my room, and when I reached the top, I met my new roommate. There was that awkward "Well.. we're going to be living together for the next year and I know absolutely nothing about you.." moment, but the awkwardness was put to rest when I turned around and said "Oh my lanta." It turns out she says that too. It was an "insta-bond" moment. As it turns out, we have a lot more in common than either of us had imagined.

With that stress off my back, my next biggest worry was what the people in my program were going to think of me. We're pretty like family and it's only been two days. And I don't mean your typical dysfunctional family that secretly hates each other, I mean like hardcore, "you're all my brothers and sisters in Christ, it feels like we've known each other for a long time and I love you all to pieces" type family. I guess the only other thing I was really worried about after that was what the classes were going to be like, but I start classes tomorrow, so I have yet to find that out, and I'm not even worried about it at all now.

I have, however, found that I am having difficultly with something I didn't foresee as a problem. It's just that one little thing that's preventing everything from being unrealistically perfect. But I suppose there needs to be something like that, because life is not at all perfect. I'm just praying that God will show me His will in this, that I won't screw things up by being an idiot and opening my mouth to soon or by just being my loser self in general. (I laugh as I write this, just so you know. I think I'm a loser. But I'm definitely all right with it) I guess this is a lesson in patience, in waiting for the right time to say certain things, waiting for God's time. It is, indeed, a lesson I need to learn. And I'm open to that.

I just don't like that fact that I don't feel like this one little thing is something I can tell my best friend. Because I tell him everything. But I can't tell him this. At least not now. But maybe one day. Maybe soon; maybe in a couple months; maybe at the end of the school year. I am hoping that I will be able to tell him, one day, at least. But for now, I'm waiting for God's go-ahead, and once I have that, that one little thing won't be bothering me anymore.

Finding Me

Who am I? Why am I here? Is there really a purpose for my life, or am I just here for other's entertainment? Is there something I'm supposed to do with my life? Is there a mark I am supposed to leave on this world? If I try, if I take a leap of faith, will I fall? Will there be anyone there to catch me when I do fall?

I can't tell you how many times I've pondered these questions. I've had many people tell me that God has great things in store for my life, that I'll make a difference in people's lives, that I'm going great places. However, I've never really found comfort in any of their words. I'm not sure I truely believe I'll go places, that I'll be able to follow my heart and do what I truely want to do. I'm not sure I'll impact anyone at all within my lifetime, I'm terrified that when my time comes, and I leave this world behind, people will forget me, I will disappear.

I think that I think these things because I believe I'm a nobody. Not that I have anything against myself, I don't really, I just don't think I'm anyone special, or that I could do great things that people will remember me by. I've had people tell me that they think the things I do are great, and there are other people who don't at all understand the things I do or why I do them. I don't see any of what I've done as great, and that may never change, because that's become very much a part of who I am.

A few months ago, a friend told me she thinks I hide behind a facade of humbleness, that I preach and preach, that I act humble, and that I hide my mistakes from people and that I hide the fact that inside I'm broken; I've crumbled to pieces. I was extremely offended by this, because I'm really quite open with people, when the time is right, and I don't see myself as humble, I just don't see my life to be as valuable as that of others. (Please don't take that statement the wrong way, I'm not some manically depressed teenager, I just have no self esteem and I'm prefectly all right with that.) The fact that this was how one of my closest friends saw me hurt, it hurt a lot. I don't even think she knows, to be honest.

However, her saying this made me wonder how other people see me, and why they see what they do. It also made me wonder if anyone saw the real me, the whole thing, rather than just bits and pieces. It also made me wonder if I even knew what the real me is like. I'm sure I've caught glimspes, there've definitely been times where I've let down all my barriers and let people in, but very few people have been let all the way in, and of those who have, I only still talk with one or two. I'm not even sure if my friends and family know the real me anymore. I don't even think I know who I am.

I used to think I knew who I was. I acted like I knew exactly who I was, where I was going, who my friends were, and all that. Now I've no clue about any of it. I can tell you that in four days I start my first year of college. That's about all I know about my life. A few months ago I couldn't wait to leave this town and go to college, but since than, I've managed to find so many reasons to stay. But I know in my heart that it's time for moving on. If I don't get out of here now, even if it's only for a year, I'll never get out of here, I'll never have the chance to see who I'll become. I'm scared out of my wits. I have no idea what lies ahead, I have no idea who will still be a part of my life in six months, in a year. I have no idea what's going to happen in the next year, or where it will take me.

I've honestly never been so terrified in my life. And that's exactly what I am. Terrified. I've walked away from everything I thought I was, everything I thought I knew this summer, and I'm about to walk away from even more. Although, this time, I think this is God's doing, not mine. In my last post, I talked about how I felt like God was calling me to step out of the boat and walk with Him on the water. I believe now that I was feeling Him calling to me, but not in the way I thought He was. He's shown me many things this summer, and as much as I can try to deny it and run away, I know in my heart that He's in control and He's got a plan, even if I can't see it and even if I try to walk away from Him.

In three days I am moving from the town I've lived in my whole life, eighteen years, to a different province, quite far away from friends and family. I know only one person who's attending the same school, and my relationship with him has been a rollercoaster ride in itself. I think that even though I struggle with not knowing who I am, I know that it really doesn't matter who I am in the end, it matters Who's I am. Will I give my life back to Christ and let Him lead me where I need to be? Or will I allow myself to get caught up in the ways of this world? I do hope and pray that God never lets me go. That He'll aways, always guide me back, that He'll never let go of me hand. I may not know who I am, but I've got the rest of my days on Earth to figure that out. Maybe I'll figure it out tomorrow, maybe I won't know until the day I meet Jesus face to face. We'll see how things go I suppose. I'll keep you posted on my journey to finding me.

The Changes Ahead

When you graduate high school, the one thing that people talk about the most is probably the changes that lay ahead of you. You've suddenly got to decide what you're going to do with the rest of your life, and you've got so much more responsibility than you've ever had before. It's quite an interesting feeling when you finally realize you're done with high school, and it's time to move on. I spent the weeks leading up to grad thinking, "Wow, I'm almost done high school!", but it didn't actually hit me until after we had all received our diplomas, and after sitting uncomfortably for two and a half hours, when they said "We now present to you the Grad class of 2011!!". We all jumped out of our seats and flung our caps in the air. I spun around to face my cousin and friend who were sitting behind me, and flung my arms around them in ecstasy, practically screaming "We're done! We're finally done!!"

In the following week, I suddenly realized just what that meant. I had spent most of my life, the last thirteen years, in school. And now I got to choose what I was going to do. Whether I went back to school, or got a job was up to me. Where and how I was going to live was up to me. They tell you that high school is designed to prepare you for the "Real World". I'm not so sure this works as well as they think it does, because my first though upon realizing that they had thrust me out into the real world was, "Oh snap. What now..?" I felt so completely unprepared for the realization that I'd be moving in six short weeks, to another province to go to college, in a town where I didn't know anyone. And with that realization hitting me on top of all the stress that's been going on in my life, I felt so completely lost that I didn't know what to think.

I've lived in the same little town all my life. The people I hang out with, I've known for several years, even though I'm not terribly good friends with most of them. But it's all familiar. And I'm comfortable with that. I'm not comfortable with all the thoughts that com with the realization that it's time to move on to new things, that it's time for change. My life is about to be turned upside down, I'm sure. I'm going to be sharing a dorm room, I'm going to be put outside of my comfort zone, and I'm going to be forced to make new friends, while keeping in contact with my old friends. I'm going to be stretched to my limits, my world is probably going to be rocked.

Now, I'm going to tell you how I feel about this. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with the Bible story in which Jesus' disciple Peter, tells Jesus to tell him to come to Him, walking on water. It's a fairly well known story, even to those who are religious, but if you haven't heard it, I encourage you to read it, whether you believe in God or not. It can be found in Matthew 14:22-33. Now, I feel very much like how I imagine Peter felt in this story. I feel like I'm standing in a lifeboat, with people all around me demanding that I prove my worth, my value, and Jesus is walking towards me on the water, telling me that I don't have to prove anything, that other people's opinions of me really mean nothing. I feel like He's holding out Hid hands, waiting for me to find the faith to take His hand, and take that first step out on the water. Now, I do hope that when I take this step of faith, that I won't lose faith like Peter did, and become intimidated by the waves surrounding me, causing me to cry out in panic as I start sinking from lack of faith.

This may or may not make sense to any of you out there, but I've found comfort in my faith in Jesus that no matter what happens, or where life takes me, that things will work out in the end. Because they always do. There are ups and downs along the way, and I'll get bumped and bruised. I'll fall down at times too, but I've got friends that God's given me to help me up, and help me along my path. There are huge changes ahead of me, some close, some still quite far off. Some of them I'm sure I'll be ready for, others I know I won't. But sometimes things need to change, even if it's hard. We all need to grow, so we can eventually become the person we're meant to become. And I think change, as hard as it is, plays a huge role in forming who we are.

The band Silverline says in their song All Consuming Love, "The time for moving on is now; time to make amends; time for youthful sins to die; it's time I learn to stand."

And with that as a final thought, I leave you tonight, to ponder what changes may need to occur in your life, what you may need to walk away from or towards, and when you're time to stand finally comes.

Love always,

IvylynnFaith

Finding the Right Path

Have you ever wondered where your path in life is going to take you? Where you're supposed to go, what you're supposed to do with your life? I'm sure you've heard the saying, "Life is a journey." But if life's a journey, how do you know which path you're supposed to take? And will you be able to stick to the right path once you've figured it out? Or will you even choose the right path at all?

I was always one of those kids who had some idea of what they wanted to be when they grew up. When I was in kindergarten, I wanted to be a paleontologist. Most kindergartens can't even say that word. As I got older, my ideas of what I wanted to do with my life changed. One day I wanted to be a teacher, the next I wanted to be a radio DJ. At one point, I wanted to work a minimum wage job in a small town, and then the next moment, I was dreaming of becoming a fashion designer in a big city. So, to say my ideas and dreams were varied, is a slight understatement.

When I reached high school, I suddenly had no idea what I wanted to do. I still had ideas kicking around in my head, but nothing really stood out to me, nothing seemed like what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Part of me wanted to be a writer, another part wanted to be an artist. (I'm creative, yes, but artistic...? Not so much.) High school was when people really started paying attention to how I answered the question, "What are you going to do when you're all grown up?" But, high school was when I didn't know what I wanted to do, and more importantly, what God wanted me to do.

I supposed I figured out what I was meant to do this last summer, and I'll explain what I mean by "meant to do". I was thinking about possibly becoming a youth pastor, which is a bit odd to some people, as I'm a girl. But that's what I was thinking about. I wanted to be able to help people, especially teens. I'd experienced a lot of different and hard things throughout high school, and I wanted to do my best to make sure nobody else went through those same things. But there are so many different ways in which one can help others, and I hadn't even realized some of the options.

The thing I probably write about the most is my missions trip to Mexico summer of 2010. And that would be because it changed me drastically, and the things I learned there still affect me today, and I hope they continue to affect me for the rest of my days here on Earth. I learned a lot in Mexico, about people, about myself and about God. Perhaps one of my biggest discoveries was finding God's path for me. After spending a couple days in Mexico, I didn't want to leave. I felt like God had made a special place in my heart just for Mexico and the people I met there. When I got home (I got to my church just as the Sunday service ended), people were making jokes about when I was going to go back, and I surprised many of them by saying I`d hop on a bus right then and there if I had the money to go back.

God made me different, like Veggie Tales say, God made me special, just as He makes all of us. He makes us all to do different jobs. And the thing He made me to do isn't something that`s widely understood by a lot of people. It`s supported by a fair group, but not truly understood. God made my heart a Missionary's heart. All I want to do is help God's people. I want to love them how He loves them. God gave me the heart and will to go out into the world and do His will.

I will be going to college this August, to do a one year missions-based program, where I'll be doing one semester of book work, and then one semester of working in bible camps and going on a two and a half month missions trip to Guatemala. I couldn't imagine a more perfect college program for me. In fact, when I read the overview of the program before applying, I cried because it felt like God had made this program specifically for me. I don't know how I'm going to pay for college, or if I'll even be able to qualify for student loans (complicated stuff, I tell you), but I know that God will provide me with everything I need to follow His path for my life. I'm also hoping to return to Mexico for six weeks this June, but I have to rely on God to provide me with the funds to do that as well.

I don't know where God's going to bring me after that, but I trust Him fully. I know that He knows what He's doing. I just have to follow the right path, the one He's laid out for me.

Searching

Everywhere I look lately, I see people who seem to be searching for something. A lot of these people seem to know what they're searching for, or at least they act like they know what they're looking for. I don't know about everyone, but some of the people I know who seem to be searching for something don't seem to be looking in the right places. Or at least that's how it seems to me.

My school is very secular, and my town is a "party-hardy" type town, where about half, maybe more, of the teenage population goes out and parties until they vomit every weekend. They do this because there's nothing to do, or they need to forget their problems, or because it's the "cool" thing to do. It really breaks my heart to see this happening. Some of these teens are looking for something to fill an empty feeling inside of them. I've heard them say that. Hearing them say that, but knowing they don't know Christ breaks my heart even more than the fact that they drink because they don't think they have anything better to do.

I've gotten a chance to talk about God with a few of my friends from school, and even though they act like they don't want to hear what I say, there are moments when I see genuine interest in their eyes. I see the same look in the eyes of the younger girls who attend the girls bible study I lead with some friends, and at the girls night events I host. I don't understand why it seems so obvious to me what they are searching for, but they don't seem to know what it is. I find it even harder to understand when it feels like they know what they're looking for, but they're in complete denial of it and act like they don't want anything to do with God. I guess this is one of those things that we'll come across many times in our lives as Christians, and we need to rely on God for guidance.

I pray that the people who are out there searching for answers, for God, that they wouldn't give up and they'd open their hearts and their minds to anything God may be trying to show them or say to them. I want God to use me as a light for these people, if that's what they need. I pray that God will give me the right words to say to reach these people, and that He will give me the courage to talk to them. I pray that everyone who is out there searching will have someone in their life who can help them learn about God. I believe that the only way they'll be able to fill the emptiness inside is by filling it with God, His love, and His Holy Spirit.

When Life Gets To You

I'm sure we've all had those days where it just seems like the whole world is crashing down on our shoulders, and it feels like nothing is ever going to work out, even though you know it eventually will. You feel stuck, trapped, alone and confused. You don't know how to deal with things, which way to go, or even who to talk about it to. Well, my last month has been like that.

I've been sick, stressed, confused and not sleeping. I had a bunch of little problems in my life that I didn't want to deal with when they came up, because I was "too busy". Well, when you've got 5 weeks to put on a play, and that's memorize lines, make costumes, build the set, and not kill anyone in the process, it can get pretty chaotic. I was in the senior play at my school, which ended two days ago. Our theatre teacher who chose the play randomly disappeared, and we have no idea what happened to her. She left us at the worst possible time, and it did not seem like our play was going to get done. But, a substitute teacher jumped in, 5 weeks before the performance date, and saved us. She worked hard with us to get the set built, to make costumes, and to make sure every one of us got our lines and cues down. It was nothing short of a miracle that this play went as well as it did. I hadn't paid attention to it before hand, but looking back at it now, I can say that God helped us with our play. He sent Miss Desbiens to help us get done what we needed to get done, and He helped us get along with each other.

There are a lot of very different people in my theatre class, and most of us have very different beliefs, but we didn't argue about them. Sure, the topic of beliefs was brought up, but we just stated what we believed in and moved on, partly because no one wanted to start an arguement and partly because our play was so crunched on time. Looking back, I did have some interesting conversations with a few of the well known athiests in my class, which I just thought of as casual conversation, but my friends pointed out that it was, in a way, witnessing.

Now my chance to witness to some of the most stubborn athiests I know astounded some of my friends. I've one friend who gets in a religious debate with these girls at least every other day. She was amazed that I had gotten a chance to talk to these girls without starting WW3. I went home from school that day thinking about it. Sure, I had managed to witness to these girls a little bit, but that was not my intention at all when I was talking to them. With the first girl, I was merely telling her about the World Vision Christmas Gift Catalogue and how cool I thought it was that just a little bit of money could go so far in a foreign country. The second girl had asked me if I hated gays because I'm religious. Well, she put it as a statement, rather than a question. I simply told her I don't agree with homosexuality, but that doesn't mean I hate gays. I've had friends who are gay, and I still stand up for them the same way I do for my straight friends. We talked a little more about that and she was quite surprised about what I had to say. But I never thought of how that could be witnessing, until I had a few friends point it out. To me, I was just talking.

The worst part of the last couple weeks was the fact that I was starting to get sick just before opening night for my play. That's a big stress when there's no one who can take your place. I pushed myself to get out of bed each morning and go to school so I could go to play practice or work at lunch, and then more practice after school, until 5-6 pm. Having stress at home, and at school, and trying not to get sick on top of that is not very fun. I over worked myself with theis play, and I'm paying for it now. I've gotten pretty sick and it sucks, but I can tell you that missing my play would've been worse. The other thing that's been bothering me is I've picked up some habits at school that I'd rather not have. You see, my theatre class has some very mouthy people in it. I started swearing at school, which made me feel miserable about myself, because I want people to see me as a Christian, not somebody who claims to be a Christian but acts just like everyone else at school. I stopped reading my devotions because I was exhausted by the time I got home, and I wasn't praying as much as I normally do. This hurt me more than I could see at the time. I see it now, though. I was having a hard time with almost everything in my life, and the reason why I was having such trouble is I wasn't giving it all to God. I was trying to do it all on my own. And I can't do that.

I spent some extra time praying and reading my bible yesterday, and then listening to praise music as I cleaned up my bedroom, and it helped me get back on my feet. I had to be reminded that God is still with me, whether I can feel Him or not, He never leaves me. All I have to do is ask for His help, and He'll help me. It may not be how I want Him to help me, it may not be when I want Him to help me, but He will help me. I've still got some things I've got to sort out, but I know I'm not on my own. I've got friends who want to help me, and I've got God who wants to help me. So when life gets to you, just remember, you're never in it alone. God is always there

Thanksgiving

It's been a while since the last time I posted anything, but I have been pretty busy with school, family, and trying to earn money to go backto Mexico, as well as running a girls bible study for my youth group girls. My thoughts now are, of course, focussed on this holiday of Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving. I mean, you get great food, family and friends. What could be better? But I do know that that is not the point of Thanksgiving. Most of us have heard enough about the origins of Thanksgiving to know thatit was started by the pilgrims in the US however many years ago. They stop teaching you that in school after about the third grade, so I don't recall all the details. There's a poem that someone showed my that truely sums up the real meaning of Thanksgiving, and it kind of makes you see things differently.

I am thankful for...
...the taxes I pay...
...because it means I'm employed.
...the clothes that fit a little too snug...
...because it means I have enough to eat.
...my shadow who watches me work...
...because it means I am out in the sunshine.
...a lawn that need mowing, windows that need cleaning...
...and gutters that need fixing...
...because it means I have a home.
...the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot...
...because it means I am capable of walking.
...my huge heating bill...
...because it meansI am warm.
...all the complaining I hear about our government...
...because it means we have freedom of speech.
...the lady behind me in church who sings off key...
...because it means that I can hear.
...the piles of laundry and ironing...
...because it means my loved ones are nearby.
...the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours...
...because it means I'm alive.
...weariness and aching muscles at the end of day...
...because it means I have been productive.

The art of thanksliving. It is gratitude in action. It is thanking God for the gift of life by living it triumphantly. It is thanking God for your talents and abilities by accepting them as obligations to be invested for the common good. It is thanking God for all that men and women have done for you by doing things for others. It is thanking God for beauty by helping to make the world more beautiful. It is thanking God for inspiration by trying to be an inspiration to others.

I don't know who wrote this, but it puts things in such a simple and clear way, that you just can't ignore the truth of it. It blows my mind, knowing how much I have to be thankful for. Sure, my life hasn't been easy, and I don't get to go out and buy whatever I want like my friends, but I have been blessed far beyond anything I deserve. My life could be a dream come true to many children in this world. This Thanksgiving, I am going to thank everyone I know, my friends and family, for just being a part of my life, because whether I like them or not, or whether I see it or not, they are a part of my life for a reason. And God doesn't start things that won't work out. I'm going to thank everyone who has made a difference in my life. It may take me a while, but I will. I have a lot of family to thank, and a group of friends too. But above all of them, the person I need to thank the most is God. And I shouldn't only give Him thanks on Thanksgiving. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving all!

Love always <3