Learning to Cope

I have been fighting with depression for years. It didn't get too bad until about five years ago, when I started high school. When my mum took me to the doctor to see if there was anything she could do about it, my doctor said she was not surprised that I was facing depression, as I had been showing signs of it since I was a kid. I was reflecting on this the other day, wondering how my life would be different if there had been something my doctor could have done at that point to end my depression. None of us knew how bad it was going to get.

One of my biggest struggles throughout my depression has been in my attempts to find a way to cope, and more recently, a healthy way to cope. I used to be addicted to self injury and attempted suicide. During that I was involved in a couple unhealthy relationships that involved emotional, and in one case, sexual abuse. This was not a way of coping, it only made my situation worse. The cutting was an attempt at coping, it became like a drug to me. I thought about alcohol and cigarettes the odd time, but never seriously considered it, as I had seen terrible effects of both. More recently I had a "friend" try to get me to start smoking for stress relief. I tried the occasional cigarette, and even though it calmed my head down I knew that if I continued it would become a problem, which would just be added to my pile of problems.

Since coming to Bible College, I have been trying to find a healthy way to cope with my depression and my rampant emotions, but to my disappointment, I have found nothing. In fact, I think I have discovered the complete opposite. I have come to realize, that for myself at least, coping is not the answer; it is not what I need. In my pain, I do not need something to turn to to help me through, but someone, and I already have that someone in my life. He just is not the first person that pops into my mind when I get depressed. In fact, as sad as it makes me to admit this, but God usually is not someone I think of turning to when I start to get depressed, but someone I turn to when I feel there is no one else, and nothing else that can help me.

With this realization, I started to wonder if I need to, rather than trying to find a way to cope, turn instead to God first, and rely on Him completely to carry me through my troubles. When I thought about this, it was blatantly obvious that this is exactly what I need to do. I wondered, and still wonder, why this has never occurred to me before. I feel as if this is something I should have seen years ago. Nonetheless, I am eternally grateful to God for showing me this, and for all the things He has carried me through, never leaving my side nor giving up on me along the way.