First Revelation of the New Year

The New Year generally brings New Year's resolutions, which most people manage to cling to for a month, maybe two before those resolutions are tucked into a box and forgotten about until the next year. I have never really been one for resolutions, although I do like the idea of having a new start with some things. I considered making a resolution or two this year: spending more time with God, less time goofing off, spending more time with those I care about, more time on my studies, and the like but now I am fairly content with the fact that I did not follow through with deciding on anything. I have come to realize that I can sit around and talk about changing things, talk about starting to try and live a better life, but if I just sit there, it won't do any good. Instead of looking at what I did not manage to do last year, I took a look at what I did do, and the many things I learned.

In the last year, I graduated high school, worked all summer and began my first year of Bible college, where I learned more in four months than in five years of high school, I'm sure. Maybe not more academically, but most certainly more about life, God, myself and others. I am not sure if I can say I have learned as much as my follow students, because most of the time I feel like they have learned much more than I have, but the things I have learned are not small by any measure, nor were they easy lessons. Facing life threatening health problems, family issues, roommate trouble, and a new relationship with a guy I spent most of the last semester feeling like I was just barely surviving life, struggling to breathe and hold my head above water. While at school and in the midst of everything, I could not see anything I had learned; I felt like a complete failure on every possible front in my life. I had neglected my best friend, was holding grudges against my roommate, not spending as much on my studies as I wanted to, trying to make sense of things I will probably never understand, and much more.

The last four months have been months of change. Graduating, moving out, starting college in a new province, learning to live with a roommate, learning that sometimes a relationship can be a good thing, that relationships don't always have to end at the first sign of trouble, and finding the discretion to figure out what in life is worth holding onto, and what's worth letting go have all played massive roles in my life. When I started college, I found many people telling me that my past was controlling me, and my life would not get much better unless I learned to overcome that. I did not at all believe that my past was controlling me, and I am still not convinced it has that much a hold on me. However, I have come to realize in the last month just how much of an impact the bruises and scars of my past affect my daily life, and the biggest, most important decisions I have made within the last few months.

When it comes to relationships, of any kind, I have a tendency to run at the first possible sign of trouble, to avoid the heartache and pain that comes with losing a loved one. As a result of this, some of the best friendships I have ever had are on the verge of destruction, as well as the first chance I have had at a healthy dating relationship. When I realized that many of the problems I was having were because of this, I knew in my heart that even though I was probably going to get hurt, this needed to change. It hasn't changed yet of course, these things take time, but I have seen some small changes take place, beginning the journey to recovery. If I were to go with the cliche and make a resolution this year, it would be to continue working on letting go of the past, the pain and the bruises, and to make sure I do not let the past hold me back from finding better things in life. God has shown me that He has placed some amazing people in my life for reasons, and I am not about to start doubting that.

Learning to Cope

I have been fighting with depression for years. It didn't get too bad until about five years ago, when I started high school. When my mum took me to the doctor to see if there was anything she could do about it, my doctor said she was not surprised that I was facing depression, as I had been showing signs of it since I was a kid. I was reflecting on this the other day, wondering how my life would be different if there had been something my doctor could have done at that point to end my depression. None of us knew how bad it was going to get.

One of my biggest struggles throughout my depression has been in my attempts to find a way to cope, and more recently, a healthy way to cope. I used to be addicted to self injury and attempted suicide. During that I was involved in a couple unhealthy relationships that involved emotional, and in one case, sexual abuse. This was not a way of coping, it only made my situation worse. The cutting was an attempt at coping, it became like a drug to me. I thought about alcohol and cigarettes the odd time, but never seriously considered it, as I had seen terrible effects of both. More recently I had a "friend" try to get me to start smoking for stress relief. I tried the occasional cigarette, and even though it calmed my head down I knew that if I continued it would become a problem, which would just be added to my pile of problems.

Since coming to Bible College, I have been trying to find a healthy way to cope with my depression and my rampant emotions, but to my disappointment, I have found nothing. In fact, I think I have discovered the complete opposite. I have come to realize, that for myself at least, coping is not the answer; it is not what I need. In my pain, I do not need something to turn to to help me through, but someone, and I already have that someone in my life. He just is not the first person that pops into my mind when I get depressed. In fact, as sad as it makes me to admit this, but God usually is not someone I think of turning to when I start to get depressed, but someone I turn to when I feel there is no one else, and nothing else that can help me.

With this realization, I started to wonder if I need to, rather than trying to find a way to cope, turn instead to God first, and rely on Him completely to carry me through my troubles. When I thought about this, it was blatantly obvious that this is exactly what I need to do. I wondered, and still wonder, why this has never occurred to me before. I feel as if this is something I should have seen years ago. Nonetheless, I am eternally grateful to God for showing me this, and for all the things He has carried me through, never leaving my side nor giving up on me along the way.

In the Image of God

Being raised is a Christian home and going to church most of my life, I have heard it said many times that we are made in the image of God. The Bible even says it, in Genesis 1:26, where God says, "Let us make man in our image..." The Bible also says, "I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." (Psalm 139:14). Even though I grew up memorizing these verses and hearing them all the time, I have never taken the time to consider what they truly mean, what they are actually saying. This kind of hit me this morning at church, as something the pastor said triggered something in my mind that I have been struggling with most of my life, and especially lately.

These are two verses I bring up a lot, especially when I am working with the junior high girls back home, as many of them have self esteem issues and cannot see that God made them beautiful. I have "preached", per se, on this topic many times. The thing that had been bothering me more and more lately is that I, however, do not see myself in this light. Although I know everything God has made is unique and wonderful, and that God loves everything He has created, I cannot see myself as beautiful, talented, of worth, et cetera. I know everything God has made has a purpose, every person on this earth is here for a reason, whether they believe in God or not, He will use their lives in some positive way.

This morning, after an especially hard week of struggling with "self doubt", as my friend calls it, hearing the pastor say "We are made in God's image," a question popped into my head. If I am made in God's image, and I tell myself I am not beautiful, that I am ugly, am I saying that God Himself is also ugly? If I, being made in His image, say I am worthless, am I also saying that God is worthless? I could go on down the list of things I end up telling myself on a regular basis, but there really is no use in that. My point is, if I am made in the image of God, and I see myself in a negative light, does that affect, if not completely distort, my view of God? Am I, in insulting myself, insulting the Almighty Creator of the universe?

I do not have the answers to these questions, but you can bet that I will be searching for these answers, and I will be trying to work in my own life, so that I may eventually come to see myself as God does, and as others here on Earth do. In my Spiritual Formation class, we were given an assignment to write down four or five "goals" for our spiritual growth this year. Being able to learn to see myself as God does is number one on my list, because I know the way I view myself and the way I constantly beat myself up is not good for me, and it has effected my faith at times, because I know I am not at all worthy of being used by God to fulfill His plans, and that makes me back away from opportunities God has placed in my life. I do not want my negative view of myself to get in the way of God using me and my life to see His will done here on earth. So, this is my prayer: That God will continue to be patient and merciful with me, as I seek to learn how to see myself through His eyes, so that I may know if my life have value, that I may know if I am beautiful. I also pray that everyone else out there who is facing the same, or a similar, problem will also have their eyes opened to see themselves as God, our Heaven Father and Glorious Creator sees them.

Why Am I Here?

Why am I here? This is a question I have often asked myself and I have found myself asking God. I have complete faith that God brings me to the place I need to be, but He does not always show me why I am where I am. Recently, there have been numerous things that have brought me to question this once again. I have been at Bible college now for almost two months, and in that time I have received many a phone call telling me of things that are going on at home. A great deal of these things are issues that I would be helping, or trying to help, if I were home, and being in a place where I am unable to go home and help makes things difficult for me at times. I am very much a person who wants to help, especially when it comes to my friends and family. Knowing that there is nothing I can do to help them hurts me sometimes, and lately has been adding to the strenuous amounts of stress that are already present in my life.

I talked about this with a girl in my program earlier this evening. It seems to both of us that as soon as we left home, things fell apart; every bad thing that could possibly happen, that was on the edge of happening, has happened, and there is nothing either of us can do to help. We both feel torn in this situation. My first instinct is to run home to the aide of those I've lived with for the past eighteen years, but in my heart I know that God brought me here for a reason, and I need to seek that reason above all else. I need to trust Him to take care of the messes at home, and to comfort my family and friends in times of trial. But I also need to rely on Him to take care of me, to keep me from becoming overwhelmed with the stresses of life and the desire to help those I cannot help.

I know in time He will reveal His purposes for bringing me here, and I know that all will work out in the end, regardless of what needs to happen in the mean time. However, I also know that these things are happening in the fashion they are to stretch me and to see me grow. It's time I step away from certain things, and assist in the only way I can; I can be with those back home in prayer and in thought, but aside from that, I am here to do His will. Whether I know directly what that is, or whether I need to follow my heart, checking every so often if I'm walking where He wants me to walk, I do not know as of yet. But I trust that in time, I will know. I do not as of yet know why any of this is happening, but I have found comfort in knowing that there is a purpose behind this all, and that I am not alone in any of this.

The "Good" Christian

In one of my classes this past week, we've been discussing apologetics, and it's purpose. Yesterday I had to write a paper on the importance of apologetics in our society. This was an interesting process for me, and before coming to Bible college, I hadn't heard much, if anything really, about apologetics. Now before I get too into this, I'm going to explain my understanding of apologetics, because I sat through two lectures before finally asking someone what it was. Apologetics is simply the defense of faith, particularly the Christian faith. Now, in my experience with this, many unbelievers question the purpose of apologetics because, if God is as powerful and all mighty as Christians claim, why would He need the defense of mere humans?

I believe we need to defend Christianity, because we, as humans, screw up and have, on occasion, given God a bad reputation. I've personal experience with this, even recent personal experience. As I said in my last blog, my ex has started talking to me the last few days, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I do want to help him, but I'm unsure of how to go about doing so. I am one of those people who will try so hard to help someone, who usually is beyond their help, that I make myself sick over it. I'm not intentionally like this, but this tends to be how it happens. Well, a few of my friends from college noticed I was starting to get stressed out, I wasn't as smiley, and I was in more of a downer mood in general, so they confronted me about it. I told them I was kind of struggling with how to help this guy, and they decided to take matters into their own hands. Now, these friends are all very nice people, pretty solid Christians, but when it comes to defending their friends, they can get a little nasty. And that's exactly what happened. I don't intend to go into detail with this, but my ex said some pretty nasty and hurtful things in response. The thing that got me the most, however, was him saying, "If that's how Christians treat each other, I'm losing faith in Christianity."

I can take a hit against myself just fine, but go after my beliefs, friends or family, and there's where it starts to bother me. When he said that, I realized just how much the actions of my friends contradicted what we are currently being taught in class. When defending the Christian faith, as it reads in 1 Peter 3:15, "But in your hearts honour Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect." My understanding of this is when we go to defend our faith, we need to do so in a gentle manner, while respecting the person we are addressing. On top of that, I believe we ought to be living our lives in such a manner that mirrors Christ and His love for humanity. Basically, my thoughts today have been those of regret in regards to witnessing the way my friends spoke to my ex. My ex has had a lot of trouble with his walk in faith, and having Christians who are attending Bible college be so blatantly disrespectful and rude is basically a slap in the face in this scenario.

In the moment, my friends weren't thinking of the possible consequences their actions could have, nor were they thinking of how negatively their words could impact one's view of Christ. I find it interesting how we don't tend to think of these things, when these things are what pushes people to that "make-it-or-break it" place in their decision of whether or not to follow Christ. I mean, if that's what Christians are really like; if that's how they treat each other, and other people, what's the good in being a Christian? Why put faith in something that seems so corrupt? Do you see what I mean? I'm not at all bashing Christianity; I'm a follower of Christ. I'm trying to portray my thoughts on how others may view us and our Lord because of our words and actions. I apologize if I'm being repetitive, or if I'm not making a whole lot of sense, I was up most of the night praying for guidance in how to handle this situation, because I'm really at my wit's end here. I apologized to my ex, because I know that what was said was wrong, and that if it distorted his view of God in any way, than an apology needed to be made. I knew my friends weren't about to apologize, because in their eyes, they were defending me, so I took the step to explain to him that what was said was wrong, and I asked that he not judge Christians based on the way my friends treated him.

If you're reading this, and it makes sense to you and you can relate, I hope that you will take into consideration your words and actions, and those of around you. I hope that you'll also take to heart 1 Peter 3:15, and take a gentle, respectful approach to defending Christianity. Aside from taking a respectful approach to the defense of the Gospel, I pray that you'll take a gentle and respectful approach to people in general, especially ones that are sitting on the proverbial fence post of Christianity. Take caution in the words you use, let Christ's unfailing love shine through all you say and do.

Not Superhuman

I've noticed in my life that I tend to be one of those people who tries to save everyone from destroying themselves. I usually fail, too. I suppose this is because I know in my heart that I can't save these people, I can't change them, even if I want to change them for the better. This has been something I've had a hard time with for a long time, and I'm again finding myself not knowing how to deal with this reality. This came up most recently a few days ago, when my ex decided to start texting me about his problems with his current girlfriend, who used to be one of my closest friends.

I never know how to handle things like this, especially when it comes to him. I like to help people, and especially people that have been a part of my life. And whether I like it or not, he was a big part of my life for a year and a half. The fact that we have "history" together, that I used to care so much about him, makes me want to help him better himself. But I know I can't do that. It actually makes me sick sometimes, because I stress so much over things I cannot possibly change. I was starting to let him get to me again, when a friend noticed, and even though it was hard, I'm very grateful that he did notice, otherwise I'd still probably be trying to talk some sense into someone who doesn't truly listen to a word I say. I've had to have friends intervene in situations where I was trying to help people before, and at least a few of those times involved this guy. The biggest issue is when I try to help someone, I don't notice whether or not my efforts are affecting myself, and this time it was affecting me negatively in quite a significant way.

It's times like these when I find I need to take a step back and remind myself that I can't change a person. Only God can. And it's not my job to change a person, it's my job to plant a seed, one which God will tend to and care for. As hard as it is for me to let go, I hate feeling like I'm giving up on someone, there's only so much I can do, and the rest is up to God. And God doesn't work on my time. He works on His time. It may take years for this person to realize the effects of what they've said these last few days. I don't even know if they'll ever come to realize it, but I hope God will continue to work in his life until he does realize the effects of his words and actions, and that one day he'll find the strength in God to want to change for the better. I can help people when God wants me to help people, and I can help those He shows me how to help, but there are people and there will be people, that I cannot help. These are the people I need to lift up to Him. I can encourage these people so long as it doesn't cause damage to myself, but God is the one who works miracles in their lives, not me. I'm not superhuman. I can only do what God wills me to do.

Weaving the Tapestry

The beginning of September usually marks the beginning of a new school year, which tends to be a big deal when you're attending elementary or high school. But what happens after you've finished with those? Well, like many of my fellow high school graduates, I've moved on to attending college. I've been at my college for about two and a half weeks now, and I love it here. The people are amazing, the courses are interesting, and both present questions and views I have never thought of before. Coming here, one of the main questions I've been asked in these last two and a half weeks is, "What brought you here? Why Prairie?"

Well, I've given the point blank answer of, "Well, God brought me here," but people aren't satisfied with that. They want to know who showed me the school, why I chose the program I did, and why this Bible college over others. First things first I guess, I'm here because my best friend showed me a program he thought, or should I say "knew", I'd love. He encouraged me to apply for it, and later, when I was having doubts as to whether or not this was the place God was calling me to, he still encouraged me. I chose a one year intercultural studies program for a few different reasons. 1. I'm not entirely sure what God's got planned for the rest of my life, and I wasn't ready to commit to a four year degree that I wasn't sure I really wanted to do. 2. Intercultural studies fascinates me. I love travelling, and learning about other peoples. 3. It's a Missions' based program, and I have the opportunity to go on a two month Missions' trip to Guatemala. 4. It incorporates Spanish. I love the Spanish language, and Latin American cultures.

I don't think I chose this school, or this program, it found me, and it chose me. I am truly blessed for the year of opportunity that lies ahead of me.

This may explain the outward reasons why I'm here, but it doesn't answer my questions of why I'm here. I don't know what my purpose is, what I'm going to get out of this, where it'll take me, or even if I'll continue on in this field of study. But, if there's something I have learned in the past few weeks, it's that I do have a purpose here, even if I don't know what it is. God's got reasons for bringing every person on this campus here. We may not know how it all fits together, but God does, and that's what matters. He'll show us in due time.

The closest thing to an answer of my questions as to why I'm here lies within a simple statement I've heard twice since I arrived on campus. I'm not sure who said it the first time, but tonight the father of our host family said it, and it made me realize just how import each person here truly is to our community as students, and as Christians. Threads are weak; they snap easily, they can't take a lot of pressure, and there isn't a whole lot of uses for individual pieces of thread. But, if you take these threads, and weave them together, intertwining them with each other, you can create a beautiful, strong tapestry that tells a life changing story. By ourselves, we are weak, we break, we fall down. But together, we can support each other, lift each other up, help each other out. We've all got different skills, and our combined skills work together to make a rich, lively community, full of diversity and love.

I don't know if you'll see this the same way I do, but I believe I'm here to be a part of this tapestry. I've got a story to tell, and so do you, as does everyone surrounding us. If we work together, forming family and fellowship, we can be made into a tapestry of ageless beauty and strength, providing God be at the center of it. God has placed me here, with the people I'm with, to weave our lives together in a tapestry that paints His story, and brings Him the honour and glory due to Him.