Why Am I Here?

Why am I here? This is a question I have often asked myself and I have found myself asking God. I have complete faith that God brings me to the place I need to be, but He does not always show me why I am where I am. Recently, there have been numerous things that have brought me to question this once again. I have been at Bible college now for almost two months, and in that time I have received many a phone call telling me of things that are going on at home. A great deal of these things are issues that I would be helping, or trying to help, if I were home, and being in a place where I am unable to go home and help makes things difficult for me at times. I am very much a person who wants to help, especially when it comes to my friends and family. Knowing that there is nothing I can do to help them hurts me sometimes, and lately has been adding to the strenuous amounts of stress that are already present in my life.

I talked about this with a girl in my program earlier this evening. It seems to both of us that as soon as we left home, things fell apart; every bad thing that could possibly happen, that was on the edge of happening, has happened, and there is nothing either of us can do to help. We both feel torn in this situation. My first instinct is to run home to the aide of those I've lived with for the past eighteen years, but in my heart I know that God brought me here for a reason, and I need to seek that reason above all else. I need to trust Him to take care of the messes at home, and to comfort my family and friends in times of trial. But I also need to rely on Him to take care of me, to keep me from becoming overwhelmed with the stresses of life and the desire to help those I cannot help.

I know in time He will reveal His purposes for bringing me here, and I know that all will work out in the end, regardless of what needs to happen in the mean time. However, I also know that these things are happening in the fashion they are to stretch me and to see me grow. It's time I step away from certain things, and assist in the only way I can; I can be with those back home in prayer and in thought, but aside from that, I am here to do His will. Whether I know directly what that is, or whether I need to follow my heart, checking every so often if I'm walking where He wants me to walk, I do not know as of yet. But I trust that in time, I will know. I do not as of yet know why any of this is happening, but I have found comfort in knowing that there is a purpose behind this all, and that I am not alone in any of this.

The "Good" Christian

In one of my classes this past week, we've been discussing apologetics, and it's purpose. Yesterday I had to write a paper on the importance of apologetics in our society. This was an interesting process for me, and before coming to Bible college, I hadn't heard much, if anything really, about apologetics. Now before I get too into this, I'm going to explain my understanding of apologetics, because I sat through two lectures before finally asking someone what it was. Apologetics is simply the defense of faith, particularly the Christian faith. Now, in my experience with this, many unbelievers question the purpose of apologetics because, if God is as powerful and all mighty as Christians claim, why would He need the defense of mere humans?

I believe we need to defend Christianity, because we, as humans, screw up and have, on occasion, given God a bad reputation. I've personal experience with this, even recent personal experience. As I said in my last blog, my ex has started talking to me the last few days, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I do want to help him, but I'm unsure of how to go about doing so. I am one of those people who will try so hard to help someone, who usually is beyond their help, that I make myself sick over it. I'm not intentionally like this, but this tends to be how it happens. Well, a few of my friends from college noticed I was starting to get stressed out, I wasn't as smiley, and I was in more of a downer mood in general, so they confronted me about it. I told them I was kind of struggling with how to help this guy, and they decided to take matters into their own hands. Now, these friends are all very nice people, pretty solid Christians, but when it comes to defending their friends, they can get a little nasty. And that's exactly what happened. I don't intend to go into detail with this, but my ex said some pretty nasty and hurtful things in response. The thing that got me the most, however, was him saying, "If that's how Christians treat each other, I'm losing faith in Christianity."

I can take a hit against myself just fine, but go after my beliefs, friends or family, and there's where it starts to bother me. When he said that, I realized just how much the actions of my friends contradicted what we are currently being taught in class. When defending the Christian faith, as it reads in 1 Peter 3:15, "But in your hearts honour Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect." My understanding of this is when we go to defend our faith, we need to do so in a gentle manner, while respecting the person we are addressing. On top of that, I believe we ought to be living our lives in such a manner that mirrors Christ and His love for humanity. Basically, my thoughts today have been those of regret in regards to witnessing the way my friends spoke to my ex. My ex has had a lot of trouble with his walk in faith, and having Christians who are attending Bible college be so blatantly disrespectful and rude is basically a slap in the face in this scenario.

In the moment, my friends weren't thinking of the possible consequences their actions could have, nor were they thinking of how negatively their words could impact one's view of Christ. I find it interesting how we don't tend to think of these things, when these things are what pushes people to that "make-it-or-break it" place in their decision of whether or not to follow Christ. I mean, if that's what Christians are really like; if that's how they treat each other, and other people, what's the good in being a Christian? Why put faith in something that seems so corrupt? Do you see what I mean? I'm not at all bashing Christianity; I'm a follower of Christ. I'm trying to portray my thoughts on how others may view us and our Lord because of our words and actions. I apologize if I'm being repetitive, or if I'm not making a whole lot of sense, I was up most of the night praying for guidance in how to handle this situation, because I'm really at my wit's end here. I apologized to my ex, because I know that what was said was wrong, and that if it distorted his view of God in any way, than an apology needed to be made. I knew my friends weren't about to apologize, because in their eyes, they were defending me, so I took the step to explain to him that what was said was wrong, and I asked that he not judge Christians based on the way my friends treated him.

If you're reading this, and it makes sense to you and you can relate, I hope that you will take into consideration your words and actions, and those of around you. I hope that you'll also take to heart 1 Peter 3:15, and take a gentle, respectful approach to defending Christianity. Aside from taking a respectful approach to the defense of the Gospel, I pray that you'll take a gentle and respectful approach to people in general, especially ones that are sitting on the proverbial fence post of Christianity. Take caution in the words you use, let Christ's unfailing love shine through all you say and do.

Not Superhuman

I've noticed in my life that I tend to be one of those people who tries to save everyone from destroying themselves. I usually fail, too. I suppose this is because I know in my heart that I can't save these people, I can't change them, even if I want to change them for the better. This has been something I've had a hard time with for a long time, and I'm again finding myself not knowing how to deal with this reality. This came up most recently a few days ago, when my ex decided to start texting me about his problems with his current girlfriend, who used to be one of my closest friends.

I never know how to handle things like this, especially when it comes to him. I like to help people, and especially people that have been a part of my life. And whether I like it or not, he was a big part of my life for a year and a half. The fact that we have "history" together, that I used to care so much about him, makes me want to help him better himself. But I know I can't do that. It actually makes me sick sometimes, because I stress so much over things I cannot possibly change. I was starting to let him get to me again, when a friend noticed, and even though it was hard, I'm very grateful that he did notice, otherwise I'd still probably be trying to talk some sense into someone who doesn't truly listen to a word I say. I've had to have friends intervene in situations where I was trying to help people before, and at least a few of those times involved this guy. The biggest issue is when I try to help someone, I don't notice whether or not my efforts are affecting myself, and this time it was affecting me negatively in quite a significant way.

It's times like these when I find I need to take a step back and remind myself that I can't change a person. Only God can. And it's not my job to change a person, it's my job to plant a seed, one which God will tend to and care for. As hard as it is for me to let go, I hate feeling like I'm giving up on someone, there's only so much I can do, and the rest is up to God. And God doesn't work on my time. He works on His time. It may take years for this person to realize the effects of what they've said these last few days. I don't even know if they'll ever come to realize it, but I hope God will continue to work in his life until he does realize the effects of his words and actions, and that one day he'll find the strength in God to want to change for the better. I can help people when God wants me to help people, and I can help those He shows me how to help, but there are people and there will be people, that I cannot help. These are the people I need to lift up to Him. I can encourage these people so long as it doesn't cause damage to myself, but God is the one who works miracles in their lives, not me. I'm not superhuman. I can only do what God wills me to do.

Weaving the Tapestry

The beginning of September usually marks the beginning of a new school year, which tends to be a big deal when you're attending elementary or high school. But what happens after you've finished with those? Well, like many of my fellow high school graduates, I've moved on to attending college. I've been at my college for about two and a half weeks now, and I love it here. The people are amazing, the courses are interesting, and both present questions and views I have never thought of before. Coming here, one of the main questions I've been asked in these last two and a half weeks is, "What brought you here? Why Prairie?"

Well, I've given the point blank answer of, "Well, God brought me here," but people aren't satisfied with that. They want to know who showed me the school, why I chose the program I did, and why this Bible college over others. First things first I guess, I'm here because my best friend showed me a program he thought, or should I say "knew", I'd love. He encouraged me to apply for it, and later, when I was having doubts as to whether or not this was the place God was calling me to, he still encouraged me. I chose a one year intercultural studies program for a few different reasons. 1. I'm not entirely sure what God's got planned for the rest of my life, and I wasn't ready to commit to a four year degree that I wasn't sure I really wanted to do. 2. Intercultural studies fascinates me. I love travelling, and learning about other peoples. 3. It's a Missions' based program, and I have the opportunity to go on a two month Missions' trip to Guatemala. 4. It incorporates Spanish. I love the Spanish language, and Latin American cultures.

I don't think I chose this school, or this program, it found me, and it chose me. I am truly blessed for the year of opportunity that lies ahead of me.

This may explain the outward reasons why I'm here, but it doesn't answer my questions of why I'm here. I don't know what my purpose is, what I'm going to get out of this, where it'll take me, or even if I'll continue on in this field of study. But, if there's something I have learned in the past few weeks, it's that I do have a purpose here, even if I don't know what it is. God's got reasons for bringing every person on this campus here. We may not know how it all fits together, but God does, and that's what matters. He'll show us in due time.

The closest thing to an answer of my questions as to why I'm here lies within a simple statement I've heard twice since I arrived on campus. I'm not sure who said it the first time, but tonight the father of our host family said it, and it made me realize just how import each person here truly is to our community as students, and as Christians. Threads are weak; they snap easily, they can't take a lot of pressure, and there isn't a whole lot of uses for individual pieces of thread. But, if you take these threads, and weave them together, intertwining them with each other, you can create a beautiful, strong tapestry that tells a life changing story. By ourselves, we are weak, we break, we fall down. But together, we can support each other, lift each other up, help each other out. We've all got different skills, and our combined skills work together to make a rich, lively community, full of diversity and love.

I don't know if you'll see this the same way I do, but I believe I'm here to be a part of this tapestry. I've got a story to tell, and so do you, as does everyone surrounding us. If we work together, forming family and fellowship, we can be made into a tapestry of ageless beauty and strength, providing God be at the center of it. God has placed me here, with the people I'm with, to weave our lives together in a tapestry that paints His story, and brings Him the honour and glory due to Him.

That One Little Thing

Well, here I am. I've survived Orientation weekend at Bible College, running on very low amounts of sleep, lots of caffeine, and a lot of random information being thrown into my lap. It actually not as bad as I thought it would be, but I'm sure that may change once classes actually start. I may need to actually start sleeping at some point. But than again, God can keep me going without that much sleep if He needs to.

There are a few things I've noticed already about Bible College. Number one would probably be that the things I had been most concerned about before coming here were definitely the things I needed to worry about the least. One of the biggest things I was nervous about was whether or not my roommate and I would get along. In all honestly, I was convinced she was going to hate me. When I first arrived at College, I climbed the stairs to the fifth floor to find my room, and when I reached the top, I met my new roommate. There was that awkward "Well.. we're going to be living together for the next year and I know absolutely nothing about you.." moment, but the awkwardness was put to rest when I turned around and said "Oh my lanta." It turns out she says that too. It was an "insta-bond" moment. As it turns out, we have a lot more in common than either of us had imagined.

With that stress off my back, my next biggest worry was what the people in my program were going to think of me. We're pretty like family and it's only been two days. And I don't mean your typical dysfunctional family that secretly hates each other, I mean like hardcore, "you're all my brothers and sisters in Christ, it feels like we've known each other for a long time and I love you all to pieces" type family. I guess the only other thing I was really worried about after that was what the classes were going to be like, but I start classes tomorrow, so I have yet to find that out, and I'm not even worried about it at all now.

I have, however, found that I am having difficultly with something I didn't foresee as a problem. It's just that one little thing that's preventing everything from being unrealistically perfect. But I suppose there needs to be something like that, because life is not at all perfect. I'm just praying that God will show me His will in this, that I won't screw things up by being an idiot and opening my mouth to soon or by just being my loser self in general. (I laugh as I write this, just so you know. I think I'm a loser. But I'm definitely all right with it) I guess this is a lesson in patience, in waiting for the right time to say certain things, waiting for God's time. It is, indeed, a lesson I need to learn. And I'm open to that.

I just don't like that fact that I don't feel like this one little thing is something I can tell my best friend. Because I tell him everything. But I can't tell him this. At least not now. But maybe one day. Maybe soon; maybe in a couple months; maybe at the end of the school year. I am hoping that I will be able to tell him, one day, at least. But for now, I'm waiting for God's go-ahead, and once I have that, that one little thing won't be bothering me anymore.

Finding Me

Who am I? Why am I here? Is there really a purpose for my life, or am I just here for other's entertainment? Is there something I'm supposed to do with my life? Is there a mark I am supposed to leave on this world? If I try, if I take a leap of faith, will I fall? Will there be anyone there to catch me when I do fall?

I can't tell you how many times I've pondered these questions. I've had many people tell me that God has great things in store for my life, that I'll make a difference in people's lives, that I'm going great places. However, I've never really found comfort in any of their words. I'm not sure I truely believe I'll go places, that I'll be able to follow my heart and do what I truely want to do. I'm not sure I'll impact anyone at all within my lifetime, I'm terrified that when my time comes, and I leave this world behind, people will forget me, I will disappear.

I think that I think these things because I believe I'm a nobody. Not that I have anything against myself, I don't really, I just don't think I'm anyone special, or that I could do great things that people will remember me by. I've had people tell me that they think the things I do are great, and there are other people who don't at all understand the things I do or why I do them. I don't see any of what I've done as great, and that may never change, because that's become very much a part of who I am.

A few months ago, a friend told me she thinks I hide behind a facade of humbleness, that I preach and preach, that I act humble, and that I hide my mistakes from people and that I hide the fact that inside I'm broken; I've crumbled to pieces. I was extremely offended by this, because I'm really quite open with people, when the time is right, and I don't see myself as humble, I just don't see my life to be as valuable as that of others. (Please don't take that statement the wrong way, I'm not some manically depressed teenager, I just have no self esteem and I'm prefectly all right with that.) The fact that this was how one of my closest friends saw me hurt, it hurt a lot. I don't even think she knows, to be honest.

However, her saying this made me wonder how other people see me, and why they see what they do. It also made me wonder if anyone saw the real me, the whole thing, rather than just bits and pieces. It also made me wonder if I even knew what the real me is like. I'm sure I've caught glimspes, there've definitely been times where I've let down all my barriers and let people in, but very few people have been let all the way in, and of those who have, I only still talk with one or two. I'm not even sure if my friends and family know the real me anymore. I don't even think I know who I am.

I used to think I knew who I was. I acted like I knew exactly who I was, where I was going, who my friends were, and all that. Now I've no clue about any of it. I can tell you that in four days I start my first year of college. That's about all I know about my life. A few months ago I couldn't wait to leave this town and go to college, but since than, I've managed to find so many reasons to stay. But I know in my heart that it's time for moving on. If I don't get out of here now, even if it's only for a year, I'll never get out of here, I'll never have the chance to see who I'll become. I'm scared out of my wits. I have no idea what lies ahead, I have no idea who will still be a part of my life in six months, in a year. I have no idea what's going to happen in the next year, or where it will take me.

I've honestly never been so terrified in my life. And that's exactly what I am. Terrified. I've walked away from everything I thought I was, everything I thought I knew this summer, and I'm about to walk away from even more. Although, this time, I think this is God's doing, not mine. In my last post, I talked about how I felt like God was calling me to step out of the boat and walk with Him on the water. I believe now that I was feeling Him calling to me, but not in the way I thought He was. He's shown me many things this summer, and as much as I can try to deny it and run away, I know in my heart that He's in control and He's got a plan, even if I can't see it and even if I try to walk away from Him.

In three days I am moving from the town I've lived in my whole life, eighteen years, to a different province, quite far away from friends and family. I know only one person who's attending the same school, and my relationship with him has been a rollercoaster ride in itself. I think that even though I struggle with not knowing who I am, I know that it really doesn't matter who I am in the end, it matters Who's I am. Will I give my life back to Christ and let Him lead me where I need to be? Or will I allow myself to get caught up in the ways of this world? I do hope and pray that God never lets me go. That He'll aways, always guide me back, that He'll never let go of me hand. I may not know who I am, but I've got the rest of my days on Earth to figure that out. Maybe I'll figure it out tomorrow, maybe I won't know until the day I meet Jesus face to face. We'll see how things go I suppose. I'll keep you posted on my journey to finding me.

The Changes Ahead

When you graduate high school, the one thing that people talk about the most is probably the changes that lay ahead of you. You've suddenly got to decide what you're going to do with the rest of your life, and you've got so much more responsibility than you've ever had before. It's quite an interesting feeling when you finally realize you're done with high school, and it's time to move on. I spent the weeks leading up to grad thinking, "Wow, I'm almost done high school!", but it didn't actually hit me until after we had all received our diplomas, and after sitting uncomfortably for two and a half hours, when they said "We now present to you the Grad class of 2011!!". We all jumped out of our seats and flung our caps in the air. I spun around to face my cousin and friend who were sitting behind me, and flung my arms around them in ecstasy, practically screaming "We're done! We're finally done!!"

In the following week, I suddenly realized just what that meant. I had spent most of my life, the last thirteen years, in school. And now I got to choose what I was going to do. Whether I went back to school, or got a job was up to me. Where and how I was going to live was up to me. They tell you that high school is designed to prepare you for the "Real World". I'm not so sure this works as well as they think it does, because my first though upon realizing that they had thrust me out into the real world was, "Oh snap. What now..?" I felt so completely unprepared for the realization that I'd be moving in six short weeks, to another province to go to college, in a town where I didn't know anyone. And with that realization hitting me on top of all the stress that's been going on in my life, I felt so completely lost that I didn't know what to think.

I've lived in the same little town all my life. The people I hang out with, I've known for several years, even though I'm not terribly good friends with most of them. But it's all familiar. And I'm comfortable with that. I'm not comfortable with all the thoughts that com with the realization that it's time to move on to new things, that it's time for change. My life is about to be turned upside down, I'm sure. I'm going to be sharing a dorm room, I'm going to be put outside of my comfort zone, and I'm going to be forced to make new friends, while keeping in contact with my old friends. I'm going to be stretched to my limits, my world is probably going to be rocked.

Now, I'm going to tell you how I feel about this. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with the Bible story in which Jesus' disciple Peter, tells Jesus to tell him to come to Him, walking on water. It's a fairly well known story, even to those who are religious, but if you haven't heard it, I encourage you to read it, whether you believe in God or not. It can be found in Matthew 14:22-33. Now, I feel very much like how I imagine Peter felt in this story. I feel like I'm standing in a lifeboat, with people all around me demanding that I prove my worth, my value, and Jesus is walking towards me on the water, telling me that I don't have to prove anything, that other people's opinions of me really mean nothing. I feel like He's holding out Hid hands, waiting for me to find the faith to take His hand, and take that first step out on the water. Now, I do hope that when I take this step of faith, that I won't lose faith like Peter did, and become intimidated by the waves surrounding me, causing me to cry out in panic as I start sinking from lack of faith.

This may or may not make sense to any of you out there, but I've found comfort in my faith in Jesus that no matter what happens, or where life takes me, that things will work out in the end. Because they always do. There are ups and downs along the way, and I'll get bumped and bruised. I'll fall down at times too, but I've got friends that God's given me to help me up, and help me along my path. There are huge changes ahead of me, some close, some still quite far off. Some of them I'm sure I'll be ready for, others I know I won't. But sometimes things need to change, even if it's hard. We all need to grow, so we can eventually become the person we're meant to become. And I think change, as hard as it is, plays a huge role in forming who we are.

The band Silverline says in their song All Consuming Love, "The time for moving on is now; time to make amends; time for youthful sins to die; it's time I learn to stand."

And with that as a final thought, I leave you tonight, to ponder what changes may need to occur in your life, what you may need to walk away from or towards, and when you're time to stand finally comes.

Love always,

IvylynnFaith