Learning to Cope

I have been fighting with depression for years. It didn't get too bad until about five years ago, when I started high school. When my mum took me to the doctor to see if there was anything she could do about it, my doctor said she was not surprised that I was facing depression, as I had been showing signs of it since I was a kid. I was reflecting on this the other day, wondering how my life would be different if there had been something my doctor could have done at that point to end my depression. None of us knew how bad it was going to get.

One of my biggest struggles throughout my depression has been in my attempts to find a way to cope, and more recently, a healthy way to cope. I used to be addicted to self injury and attempted suicide. During that I was involved in a couple unhealthy relationships that involved emotional, and in one case, sexual abuse. This was not a way of coping, it only made my situation worse. The cutting was an attempt at coping, it became like a drug to me. I thought about alcohol and cigarettes the odd time, but never seriously considered it, as I had seen terrible effects of both. More recently I had a "friend" try to get me to start smoking for stress relief. I tried the occasional cigarette, and even though it calmed my head down I knew that if I continued it would become a problem, which would just be added to my pile of problems.

Since coming to Bible College, I have been trying to find a healthy way to cope with my depression and my rampant emotions, but to my disappointment, I have found nothing. In fact, I think I have discovered the complete opposite. I have come to realize, that for myself at least, coping is not the answer; it is not what I need. In my pain, I do not need something to turn to to help me through, but someone, and I already have that someone in my life. He just is not the first person that pops into my mind when I get depressed. In fact, as sad as it makes me to admit this, but God usually is not someone I think of turning to when I start to get depressed, but someone I turn to when I feel there is no one else, and nothing else that can help me.

With this realization, I started to wonder if I need to, rather than trying to find a way to cope, turn instead to God first, and rely on Him completely to carry me through my troubles. When I thought about this, it was blatantly obvious that this is exactly what I need to do. I wondered, and still wonder, why this has never occurred to me before. I feel as if this is something I should have seen years ago. Nonetheless, I am eternally grateful to God for showing me this, and for all the things He has carried me through, never leaving my side nor giving up on me along the way.

In the Image of God

Being raised is a Christian home and going to church most of my life, I have heard it said many times that we are made in the image of God. The Bible even says it, in Genesis 1:26, where God says, "Let us make man in our image..." The Bible also says, "I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." (Psalm 139:14). Even though I grew up memorizing these verses and hearing them all the time, I have never taken the time to consider what they truly mean, what they are actually saying. This kind of hit me this morning at church, as something the pastor said triggered something in my mind that I have been struggling with most of my life, and especially lately.

These are two verses I bring up a lot, especially when I am working with the junior high girls back home, as many of them have self esteem issues and cannot see that God made them beautiful. I have "preached", per se, on this topic many times. The thing that had been bothering me more and more lately is that I, however, do not see myself in this light. Although I know everything God has made is unique and wonderful, and that God loves everything He has created, I cannot see myself as beautiful, talented, of worth, et cetera. I know everything God has made has a purpose, every person on this earth is here for a reason, whether they believe in God or not, He will use their lives in some positive way.

This morning, after an especially hard week of struggling with "self doubt", as my friend calls it, hearing the pastor say "We are made in God's image," a question popped into my head. If I am made in God's image, and I tell myself I am not beautiful, that I am ugly, am I saying that God Himself is also ugly? If I, being made in His image, say I am worthless, am I also saying that God is worthless? I could go on down the list of things I end up telling myself on a regular basis, but there really is no use in that. My point is, if I am made in the image of God, and I see myself in a negative light, does that affect, if not completely distort, my view of God? Am I, in insulting myself, insulting the Almighty Creator of the universe?

I do not have the answers to these questions, but you can bet that I will be searching for these answers, and I will be trying to work in my own life, so that I may eventually come to see myself as God does, and as others here on Earth do. In my Spiritual Formation class, we were given an assignment to write down four or five "goals" for our spiritual growth this year. Being able to learn to see myself as God does is number one on my list, because I know the way I view myself and the way I constantly beat myself up is not good for me, and it has effected my faith at times, because I know I am not at all worthy of being used by God to fulfill His plans, and that makes me back away from opportunities God has placed in my life. I do not want my negative view of myself to get in the way of God using me and my life to see His will done here on earth. So, this is my prayer: That God will continue to be patient and merciful with me, as I seek to learn how to see myself through His eyes, so that I may know if my life have value, that I may know if I am beautiful. I also pray that everyone else out there who is facing the same, or a similar, problem will also have their eyes opened to see themselves as God, our Heaven Father and Glorious Creator sees them.

Why Am I Here?

Why am I here? This is a question I have often asked myself and I have found myself asking God. I have complete faith that God brings me to the place I need to be, but He does not always show me why I am where I am. Recently, there have been numerous things that have brought me to question this once again. I have been at Bible college now for almost two months, and in that time I have received many a phone call telling me of things that are going on at home. A great deal of these things are issues that I would be helping, or trying to help, if I were home, and being in a place where I am unable to go home and help makes things difficult for me at times. I am very much a person who wants to help, especially when it comes to my friends and family. Knowing that there is nothing I can do to help them hurts me sometimes, and lately has been adding to the strenuous amounts of stress that are already present in my life.

I talked about this with a girl in my program earlier this evening. It seems to both of us that as soon as we left home, things fell apart; every bad thing that could possibly happen, that was on the edge of happening, has happened, and there is nothing either of us can do to help. We both feel torn in this situation. My first instinct is to run home to the aide of those I've lived with for the past eighteen years, but in my heart I know that God brought me here for a reason, and I need to seek that reason above all else. I need to trust Him to take care of the messes at home, and to comfort my family and friends in times of trial. But I also need to rely on Him to take care of me, to keep me from becoming overwhelmed with the stresses of life and the desire to help those I cannot help.

I know in time He will reveal His purposes for bringing me here, and I know that all will work out in the end, regardless of what needs to happen in the mean time. However, I also know that these things are happening in the fashion they are to stretch me and to see me grow. It's time I step away from certain things, and assist in the only way I can; I can be with those back home in prayer and in thought, but aside from that, I am here to do His will. Whether I know directly what that is, or whether I need to follow my heart, checking every so often if I'm walking where He wants me to walk, I do not know as of yet. But I trust that in time, I will know. I do not as of yet know why any of this is happening, but I have found comfort in knowing that there is a purpose behind this all, and that I am not alone in any of this.