That One Little Thing

Well, here I am. I've survived Orientation weekend at Bible College, running on very low amounts of sleep, lots of caffeine, and a lot of random information being thrown into my lap. It actually not as bad as I thought it would be, but I'm sure that may change once classes actually start. I may need to actually start sleeping at some point. But than again, God can keep me going without that much sleep if He needs to.

There are a few things I've noticed already about Bible College. Number one would probably be that the things I had been most concerned about before coming here were definitely the things I needed to worry about the least. One of the biggest things I was nervous about was whether or not my roommate and I would get along. In all honestly, I was convinced she was going to hate me. When I first arrived at College, I climbed the stairs to the fifth floor to find my room, and when I reached the top, I met my new roommate. There was that awkward "Well.. we're going to be living together for the next year and I know absolutely nothing about you.." moment, but the awkwardness was put to rest when I turned around and said "Oh my lanta." It turns out she says that too. It was an "insta-bond" moment. As it turns out, we have a lot more in common than either of us had imagined.

With that stress off my back, my next biggest worry was what the people in my program were going to think of me. We're pretty like family and it's only been two days. And I don't mean your typical dysfunctional family that secretly hates each other, I mean like hardcore, "you're all my brothers and sisters in Christ, it feels like we've known each other for a long time and I love you all to pieces" type family. I guess the only other thing I was really worried about after that was what the classes were going to be like, but I start classes tomorrow, so I have yet to find that out, and I'm not even worried about it at all now.

I have, however, found that I am having difficultly with something I didn't foresee as a problem. It's just that one little thing that's preventing everything from being unrealistically perfect. But I suppose there needs to be something like that, because life is not at all perfect. I'm just praying that God will show me His will in this, that I won't screw things up by being an idiot and opening my mouth to soon or by just being my loser self in general. (I laugh as I write this, just so you know. I think I'm a loser. But I'm definitely all right with it) I guess this is a lesson in patience, in waiting for the right time to say certain things, waiting for God's time. It is, indeed, a lesson I need to learn. And I'm open to that.

I just don't like that fact that I don't feel like this one little thing is something I can tell my best friend. Because I tell him everything. But I can't tell him this. At least not now. But maybe one day. Maybe soon; maybe in a couple months; maybe at the end of the school year. I am hoping that I will be able to tell him, one day, at least. But for now, I'm waiting for God's go-ahead, and once I have that, that one little thing won't be bothering me anymore.

Finding Me

Who am I? Why am I here? Is there really a purpose for my life, or am I just here for other's entertainment? Is there something I'm supposed to do with my life? Is there a mark I am supposed to leave on this world? If I try, if I take a leap of faith, will I fall? Will there be anyone there to catch me when I do fall?

I can't tell you how many times I've pondered these questions. I've had many people tell me that God has great things in store for my life, that I'll make a difference in people's lives, that I'm going great places. However, I've never really found comfort in any of their words. I'm not sure I truely believe I'll go places, that I'll be able to follow my heart and do what I truely want to do. I'm not sure I'll impact anyone at all within my lifetime, I'm terrified that when my time comes, and I leave this world behind, people will forget me, I will disappear.

I think that I think these things because I believe I'm a nobody. Not that I have anything against myself, I don't really, I just don't think I'm anyone special, or that I could do great things that people will remember me by. I've had people tell me that they think the things I do are great, and there are other people who don't at all understand the things I do or why I do them. I don't see any of what I've done as great, and that may never change, because that's become very much a part of who I am.

A few months ago, a friend told me she thinks I hide behind a facade of humbleness, that I preach and preach, that I act humble, and that I hide my mistakes from people and that I hide the fact that inside I'm broken; I've crumbled to pieces. I was extremely offended by this, because I'm really quite open with people, when the time is right, and I don't see myself as humble, I just don't see my life to be as valuable as that of others. (Please don't take that statement the wrong way, I'm not some manically depressed teenager, I just have no self esteem and I'm prefectly all right with that.) The fact that this was how one of my closest friends saw me hurt, it hurt a lot. I don't even think she knows, to be honest.

However, her saying this made me wonder how other people see me, and why they see what they do. It also made me wonder if anyone saw the real me, the whole thing, rather than just bits and pieces. It also made me wonder if I even knew what the real me is like. I'm sure I've caught glimspes, there've definitely been times where I've let down all my barriers and let people in, but very few people have been let all the way in, and of those who have, I only still talk with one or two. I'm not even sure if my friends and family know the real me anymore. I don't even think I know who I am.

I used to think I knew who I was. I acted like I knew exactly who I was, where I was going, who my friends were, and all that. Now I've no clue about any of it. I can tell you that in four days I start my first year of college. That's about all I know about my life. A few months ago I couldn't wait to leave this town and go to college, but since than, I've managed to find so many reasons to stay. But I know in my heart that it's time for moving on. If I don't get out of here now, even if it's only for a year, I'll never get out of here, I'll never have the chance to see who I'll become. I'm scared out of my wits. I have no idea what lies ahead, I have no idea who will still be a part of my life in six months, in a year. I have no idea what's going to happen in the next year, or where it will take me.

I've honestly never been so terrified in my life. And that's exactly what I am. Terrified. I've walked away from everything I thought I was, everything I thought I knew this summer, and I'm about to walk away from even more. Although, this time, I think this is God's doing, not mine. In my last post, I talked about how I felt like God was calling me to step out of the boat and walk with Him on the water. I believe now that I was feeling Him calling to me, but not in the way I thought He was. He's shown me many things this summer, and as much as I can try to deny it and run away, I know in my heart that He's in control and He's got a plan, even if I can't see it and even if I try to walk away from Him.

In three days I am moving from the town I've lived in my whole life, eighteen years, to a different province, quite far away from friends and family. I know only one person who's attending the same school, and my relationship with him has been a rollercoaster ride in itself. I think that even though I struggle with not knowing who I am, I know that it really doesn't matter who I am in the end, it matters Who's I am. Will I give my life back to Christ and let Him lead me where I need to be? Or will I allow myself to get caught up in the ways of this world? I do hope and pray that God never lets me go. That He'll aways, always guide me back, that He'll never let go of me hand. I may not know who I am, but I've got the rest of my days on Earth to figure that out. Maybe I'll figure it out tomorrow, maybe I won't know until the day I meet Jesus face to face. We'll see how things go I suppose. I'll keep you posted on my journey to finding me.